So Quiet .... Yet so loud ....

I have been away for a little bit. Not really sure where I am going or even if I remain on the right track. I have lost my grip on this amazing future that I had saw for myself.


I work like crazy and I internalize the energy around me. This feature of my spirit drags me down. The weight of concerns of those that I care about hold my wings from spreading in the manner that I wanted them to in the beginning - I lost the fight.


I will not lose the battle. I feel like I am no where near where I should be and I gave up on the goals that I thought were so clear to me.


My attention drew everywhere other than where I should have been. I need to re focus. I need to recharge. and regain control.

The Girl Who Needed No One

The girl who needed no one.

She’s so strong
I don’t know how she does it
She speaks not of emotion
Her peace she covets

Her head is always high
Her heart never wonders why

She’s so strong
I don’t know how she does it
She speaks not of blame
Her peace she covets

Her eyes are always dry
Her smile never wry

She’s so strong
She doesn’t know how she does it
She speaks not of emptiness
Their peace, she covets

Because, they think she is so strong
She can’t let them know – she wasn’t.

~daydreamer

Shutter **GRAPHIC**

I don't even know where to start with this one. I was shook up today - pushed to tears and not over the usual.

I drove past a fatal accident today. A road that I have traveled probably a thousand times claimed another life today. I passed the state troopers, witnesses and involved vehicles - the mass in the middle of the road covered by a bloody white sheet.

The road was littered with blood and fragment of flesh.

I have never seen anything like this, in my entire life. I was immediately shaken up. I tried to breath and calm my heart but I could not fight the tears. I didn't know how to address it with my daughter and thankfully her brain doesn't understand the images that she takes in with her eyes.

We got to target and I stepped out of my car I told her I needed a minute. I sat on the tailgate for a minute took a few steps and then sunk to my knees.

There is a family whose life was just changed forever.

This person was loved, the impact of the loss ripples. Immediate family, neighbors, co-workers......all by a split second that took this life away. Witnesses, passer-bys, we all have the images burned in our eyes. Forever.

I couldn't handle it.

I finally had the courage to check the news. His name was Charles Valone 59. His wife was there. He was making arrangements with a tow truck for his daughters disabled vehicle.

I can not even imagine.

Single People??!!

Philadelphia Can you HEAR ME??!!

I went on a SPLURGE trip to Philly on Memorial Day! What a GREAT time to go to a BEAUTIFUL CITY. First off the drive was really not that bad but, my Garmin knows I am a cheap ass and took me all toll free roads which I am pretty sure doubled my travel time. Could possibly be exaggerating lol.

I get to my hotel the HOTEL MONACO PHILADELPHIA which is a 10 star in my books from the moment I pulled up in front of valet to the time I loaded up and headed back home impeccable customer service.

My bell boy was actually from my hometown so he threw me the flour city and offered “vip” which we all got but HEY it feels good to hear.

My plan was to sleep for a couple hours when I got to the hotel because I woke up at 4 am to get ready for the drive! But I was so inspired and energized by the city that I threw my luggage in took a sponge bath changed my clothes and hit the pavement!!

I walked FOR HOURS. Ate dinner and hit the pavement again. Cities look different in the day and in the dark. No matter where you are….the time of day will influence your interpretation and experience.

What I will say is that single people do not exist. I guess the city of love is real. Single males…….nope…….Single females…….NEVER…. Lesbians were like trolls.

Hidden under bridges and camouflaged in straight bars and hang outs – leaving one bi sexual female like myself in the cold ALONE.

It wasn’t my objective to meet and hook up – but MEET for friggan SURE – I have been in one CITY my whole adult life socializing with the same pool of individuals as 600k other Western New Yorkers. I am ready to broaden the horizons – network amongst the 50 other states!

I was approached by your usual – beggars, observed a homeless man sleeping by a parking garage and astounded by the breathtaking architecture.

Some of the main roads in Philly are still the original cobble – which feels like driving on the surface of the moon – BUT really beautiful to see. It felt weird to take pictures of the row houses and brownstones because people actually live there and I would be annoyed is people walked around my neighborhood snapped pictures of my house. So I exercised restraint, but I found myself closing my eyes and imagining the servant quarters and carriages carrying city dwellers through the grid. 

There was a main door and then there was a tiny door near to the basement that was meant for the “help”. Early politicians and decision makers that created this country roamed the same streets that my gladiator sandal dawned feet stormed through like a true tourist. I walked the city from day to night – I listened to the changes in sounds that came at 1 in the afternoon and one in the morning. I tried to imagine Betsy Ross designing the American flag for our early troops and the signatures being laden on the constitution.

I loved the lack of chain restaurants and big boxed commercial retailers. Local economy to the 10 degree. True Culinary Masters and creative souls from the homeless to the millionaires.  

Philadelphians are Philadelphians – proud of the heritage and history held with in the cities limits and passionate about food, whiskey and freedom.

I recommend a trip, a regular visit or residential trek to Philadelphia Pennsylvania.

Pulse Check

So far off track – I had made so much progress – and yet I regressed lol. Like liquid movement I guess. Flowing in and out as does the ocean – reaching further and at times receding backward! 

I have gained half the weight I lost back…….thanks to my lack of dedication to the gym and over indulgence in sweets for my birthday.

Exactly no one to blame BUT myself. I guess I am just still learning – and I haven’t yet made it to the place where I am headed. So I push on. Further and further.

I have developed a theory that in order to not remain or become again the person of the past – that you must be cautious not to fall in the habits again of those days that you had thought you left behind…….. I think it can bring you right back to the first point in which you started.

When I first separated I had this surreal feeling of peace…….I was meditating, taking supplements, exercising lol …. I lived in the gym ahhhhh the good old days …….

Slowly I allowed myself to become complacent. Set aside my new healthier habits and picked up again my old ones.

   

So now, 10 lbs heavier and allowing myself in indulge in alcohol again…….face to floor.

Alcoholic or no?

I have no idea….One morning I will wake up and say YES you have a problem, one afternoon I will be like – NO you just ENJOY it and that is OK!

Who chooses when it is or isn’t a problem? Is there a magical percentage, amount, frequency anything that can tell whether or not it is a problem?

I can tell you I do close to nothing that I was doing last year and this time and everything I wasn’t. 180. I need to refocus, recenter, and reevaluate. I have come too far to go back again. 

<3 life is a process.

~daydreamer

Nothing Nice

Hi guys I am sorry I have been away. The fact of the matter is I have had almost nothing nice to say. There has been some unexpected hiccups and challenges.

You are all aware that my daughters father and I had to revisit our support order. After the order was revised I went 2.5 months with 0 support. When I would ask about it - he would claim that it was coming out of his paycheck and that he didnt know why I wasnt recieving it. I let that slide for a few weeks until the bills continued to pile up and there was no additional monies coming in. I had to contact the state myself to only be told that her father was to manually issue payment to me until the new order was active.

With this new information I asked him one last time what was happening with child support. Conveniently he had "just gotten off the phone" with them and he gruffled that he was being treated like a second class citizen from the state.

Mid sentence I cut him off and said simply "what's the plan?"

Well I guess I have to send in a check.

3 weeks later..........a deposit is made, 2 weeks after that support begins - only its about $100 short, each deposit. ::(((eyes roll in the back of my head))):::

Here is my beef, when people decide to have a baby as a unit it is pretty much 50/50......the MOMENT the unit becomes split all of a sudden 15% is like asking for them to severe there own limbs.......WHY?

"I have other kids!"

and

Maybe you forgot that kids cost money and require more than the bare minimum.

The saga continued after my daughter came home with her hair flat ironed - hey babe who did your hair? {{insert kind of ex wifes name}}

Oh you guys slept over there?

No daddy dropped me off yesterday............. - flat lined.-

Did daddy have to work?

no,

Did he have a date with {{insert kind of girl friends name}}

no,

So, why did you sleep there then?

IDK - mommy are you mad?

No - baby I am not mad, I think I am just disappointed - daddy doesn't get a ton of time with you - so I guess it makes me sad to know you spent the night somewhere else.....

Mean while my face is probably on fire. And Of course I have to say some thing to him - I get -

"I will do what I want, stop harassing me - I will take you back to court"

He knows that all you have to do is mention court and I put my tail in my legs because it is literally like drinking bleach for the soul.

After a few days I was actually really upset that I let him get to me - take me back to court - please do! I mean the judge will be so impressed when you complain that I am asking you to spend more time with your daughter. SMH.

annoyed.

31

Birthday has come and gone now. I am officially a 30 something. A lot has come out of the last 365 days.

Quit smoking, Quit drinking, Bought a home, Got sannnnngle, Raised Credit, Lost weight.

Not bad. It was and is a GOOOOOOD YEAR.

At 31 life has just begun for me. Every day comes with a new set of obstacles and accomplishments. This year my focus is debt reduction and continued weight loss. I have another I think 20 that I can either afford to lose or redefine!

I constructed a debt reduction plan for myself and as the first quarter nears a close I am going from approximately 11k to 7k in unsecured debt. That is a 36% reduction by my calculations I should be paid off by the close of 3rd quarter. WOOOP WOOOP!

My outlook on things continue to evolve and develop as new experiences enter my life.

The other day I had a conversation with a man we call Reverend - he called me out on my relationships and got me to thinking......

I have left every relationship that I have ever had. My big 4 long terms. I walked away. My first relationship he was 6 years older than me, I was way young but I was head over heals. He was kind and smart but we were opposite too opposite. I was a social butterfly and he a computer geek.  (now making 6 figures with Xerox….whooops….)

When he was ready to get serious I ran.

My next relationship was toxic, we fell fast and hard – but I was a teenager on her own in a world she didn’t understand. I made lifestyle choices that stunted my self worth. We spent 5 years together his family hated me because I was Hispanic, we fought. Physically, I lost 2 jobs for showing up with busted lips and black eyes. When I turned 20 I left. I left the cheating, recreational activities and abuse.

A year and a half later I met Arias father, my father approved of him – we did what we thought we were supposed to do get serious and prepared to settle down. He was 7 years older than me and by 23 we were “ready” to start a family. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom – tend to the house and our baby. After about 8mos of that I realized I couldn’t do that. I was starved for adult conversation and my own life. As I experienced success and grew my career we began to grow apart. By Arias first birthday I moved into my own townhouse in the merchant’s area.

My ex fiancé and I had known each other for 15 years. We lost contact over the years and remet when a mutual friend was killed. We started spending time together and the more time we spent the more I grew to enjoy her existence. We moved in together way too soon as she had just left her previous long term relationship. ( I was the one who helped her get over her ex ) once I realized it wasn’t me that she loved but the thought of me – I began to pull back, against my better judgement I accepted the proposal (back then same sex marriage wasn’t legal) at our engagement party my cake topper broke twice. I took that as an omen. Then I lost my engagement ring. 

I put all of myself into work and relied on my bottle of wine at night to soothe the displeasure of my life. I became someone I couldn’t love anymore and I was killing myself one day at a time. I began to look for apartments and started planning my life alone so that I could focus on myself and not have to carry the weight of making sure someone else was happy.

When I came home from the Caribbean I had everything lined up. I called off the engagement. I put the bottle down – I pushed my life into a 180. I hid my transition from the public eye and, strategically positioned it in a way where everyone would be intact at time of separation.

Over the past year I have defragmented pieces of myself that I had suppressed pretty much my entire life. I lost friends along the way. People didn’t understand my journey – but then again they never knew my challenges either.

I have struggled with acceptance my whole life, not really fitting in – being admittedly different. I am expressive and opinionated. I am stubborn. My sense of humor is offensive.

With my entire family either passed on or in another part of the country I have gotten used to being what I have always called an army of one. I wear a hard shell to protect myself from all of the madness of the world.

Its funny how life works. What happens when LIFE happens. Where has your paths taken you? How much has changed and or stayed the same?

I look forward to more changes and evolution. Understanding possibly how my mannerisms and upbringing may be negatively impacting my ability to have a "normal" relationship. 

I guess we can agree that normal is boring, but one thing that I have noticed too is that I pick up bits and pieces of the personalities of the relationships passed. Some good traits and some not. Perhaps I can dig into that a bit more and get back to you........until next time

~daydreamer

When sorry is not enough.

I am sure there a million things we all wish we could change in our lives. But a lot of us just don't know how to do it or where to start. I sat with myself last night and realized that I may actually not be relationship material!

Don't judge. I have an attitude problem. No matter what. There is a minuscule part of that slightly comical. For the most part not.

I hate being wrong, I hate being over the hot coals. I am sarcastic and cold at times. I will open up but only on my terms. Pretty much I sound like a 10 year old.

My last relationship I was distracted and unhealthy - I was a grade A turd face. But when I am asked about it I am unable to respond in a productive manner at times. I will shut down or get defensive. So I am trying to find a way to grow from that.

How do I find away to answer the tough questions with respect and conviction. I have to own my errors and flaws. To be able to give the answers that are needed. After 6 years I am sure that is the very least I can do.

Its not right to let someone else bear the weight of your own issues. Although it is so much easier to push it on them and allow them to kind of work through the mud that you had created.

head spinning.

~daydreamer

Eyes

I am a firm believer that life is a series of unfortunate circumstances and minor victories. I look large scale........I am talking big. In the big picture everything is small. Hear me out on this one.

People say sometimes just waking up is a victory, well on your 75th birthday you would have woken up over 27,000 times. So that day that you got up when you thought you couldn't is just a fraction of the larger victory. I hope that makes sense as it did in my head.

Every heart break or failed relationship is a step closer to where you are actually meant to be. So after a few sleepless nights and several hours of tears - you are closer to the day where you find some one who makes everyone else in the world fade away. The person who challenges everything that you thought to be real. The person who helps you find answers instead of the one who creates excuses. This may not all makes sense just yet but, I will try to make it come full circle.

Too often people stay where they are comfortable and familiar instead of having the courage to find what is insanely right.

I may not have friends after this whole bloggy thing but they give me GREAT material.

And I apologize in advance if it seems like I am all over the place.

With out further a do........ A colleague discloses that they have been in a relationship for a good amount of time but that they feel as if their partner may have some company or companionship out side of the relationship. They say they have talked about it and addressed it but that it still has become an issue again.

I sat and pondered for a moment, my best response and or reaction to this. The unfortunate part is that I could relate to their partner. I have done it. I have allowed people to occupy space in my mind while in a committed relationship. I know for a fact that this is a lot more common that should really be, in healthy relationships. But to help my colleague I tried to explain why I used to do it, or why I had done it.

1. When you are not happy with yourself you actively seek attention and validation from the wrong places.
2. When there is something missing from a relationship we try to find it EVERYWHERE else.
3. When you have someones head and heart at the same time - those things tend not to happen.

So as eloquently as I could I explained from first hand experience what causes people to do this. Then I asked "What are you going to do?" She followed up with about 18 reasons why she should leave. and NOT ONE reason on why she should stay. But guess what she is going to do.......

Stay.

Too often people stay where they are comfortable and familiar instead of having the courage to find what is insanely right. (see how I did that there, I call that bringing it together!)

I asked more firmly, "So you are willing to accept that kind of behavior?" we may have bantered a bit about whether or not she is, in my opinion she is.....because she has made it ok for her partner to do this, there has been no consequence.

I reminded them that it is inconsiderate and inappropriate, when people conduct themselves like that - but that it will never change is reality does not kick in for the both of them. The part that tipped my can over was when she said that neither of them are all in ........................................................................................................................................................................

WHAT?

So what are you doing??!!

I couldn't even hear what she said after that because my mind was still blown.

So shenanigans like this flowing all over society, I come up with the theory that I do not believe in marriage - people ask me, why aren't you married? Because crap like this happens every single day. And even though I did it, I am smart enough to own and acknowledge that it is dead wrong because:

You should have enough courage and conviction to own what you deserve and know what you have to offer. So after a few sleepless nights and several hours of tears - you are closer to the day where you find some one who makes everyone else in the world fade away. The person who challenges everything that you thought to be real. The person who helps you find answers instead of the one who creates excuses.

Until I see the insanely right, my attitude on marriage stands. I don't really know where that came from but I will keep it.

People, if the person you are with allows someone else to own space in their minds, dump that HAG - get your mind right and the person who makes everyone else melt away - will fall into your world. Wear a helmet - it could be dangerous.

~daydreamer

again??!!

Does it ever truly get easier?

I barely can have emotions stirred in me, but there is one person that no matter what can always with what seems like little to no effort break me down in just a few words.

Back story on the topic: Child Support hearing ended in the favor of my petition for the increase. Now, a certain individual conveniently neglected to fill out a financial affidavit that would have shown that he has no living expenses out side of his car payment and child support for the other children. On a 80k salary. Fine.

Fast forward the new order requires for him to reimburse me for day care. The judge had requested for me to present receipts or invoices on a monthly basis in order to allow for him to have 14 days to reimburse me, no big deal. I offered a history of automatic debits, a copy of the contract and other supporting information to satisfy the request. Although the judge was not impressed with my information that neither the Taekwondo Institute or merchants services has ever in 2 years provided a receipt - I have spent nearly a month going back and forth with everyone involved trying to get what they have requested.

I was sent information and documents that I already had.  SO I stayed at square one.

I get a series of 9 messages last night after a conversation earlier that morning about the contract that I was willing to provide. Demanding receipts, accusing me of hiding something - as if there is anything to hide. I am " dragging my feet, enough is enough, what is the hold up, this is ridiculous etc" As I just wrote that, I realized. He is a bully.

He is the one person that can bring me to tears. Regularly as he sees fit.

And it is 100% because he is a nuclear disappointment. Cute package, rotting inside.

I have to come up with ways to curb the effect he has on me. To develop a skin thick enough to not be effected by  his shenanigans. I actually just don't want to have to deal with it. There is no reason.

Strings.......

People give just enough to keep you interested and not enough to keep you satisfied. Why do we do this?

I was speaking with one of my girlfriends the other day and she was telling me about a prospect that she was interested in. However - they both are in relationships. They met awhile ago and had just really casual interaction, then something switched and they both initiated conversation that was above the normal "friendship-lines"

My advice to her was PUMP THE BRAKES!

Easier said than done I assured her and I respect that. However - they both have stuff they need to settle before they can think about pursuing anything with each other. First off even if their current relationships are ending engaging in an intellectual relationship was in fact a form of cheating.

That may have fallen on deaf ears because she continued to expose herself to this person and then all of a sudden she told me she cut them off. I gave her a high five and a pep talk, she ended her current relationship and is a bit of a puddle to this point and I am sure she is not going to be impressed that I am talking about it in my blog. (sorry babe)

Any who, this cheater cheater pumpkin eater has showed back up in her life and hasn't left their relationship but is EXPLICIT with my girlfriend. I tried to explain to her that if they do it with you they will do it to you.

For what ever reason she is eating everything that comes out of this persons mouth as if she hasn't had a backbone in her ENTIRE life.

I think she enjoys the attention, but realizes that it is really not good for her. They seem to string her along giving hope for something that will never happen and leaving her feeling eager but lonely

But it really makes me think about why we tend to do that. In challenging situations where we might not know which direction to go we want what we want but don't want to do what needs to be done to get it. People claim they need time and or space, but they are violating the trust of their current partners and quite frankly it should make anyone think twice about the character of the individual.

Watching what my peers have gone through - is really what is holding me back from actively dating. I feel like is so hard to be able to trust the other person on the opposite side of the table is authentic - or not hiding a 3 year relationship - or a criminal record, or drug habit. Who the hell wants to date in this twisted ass world we live in.

I guess what I am saying to my queens of the world. Stop messing with jokers. Know what you bring to the table and NEVER be afraid to eat alone.

Unchained

shake me free of all your chains
remove your memory from my brain
I want to go on
I need to move on

but when I feel your hands on me
the chains are back and I am not free
I want you to keep on
I need you to keep on

One kiss there and one kiss here
on my shoulder and near my ear
I want to go on
I need to move on

off with my shirt, then my skirt hits the floor
my body is begging, pleading for more
I want you to keep on
I need to keep on




~daydreamer

Never

It can be fun and dangerous too
playing with and feeling you

this will hurt and end in flames
I like control and playing games

chase me, push me and break me down
cover my mouth and tell me not to make a sound.

tell me to sit and I promise I will stand
you want me to do something you will have to demand

you know what is my favorite part,
your confidence and aura much like art

you have me in ways you will never know
I want you in ways I will never go


~daydreamer

Let me

I have ruptured,

I have come undone

 

The thoughts are invading,

every second of my day

 

Give me a taste,

place it gently on my tongue

 

Satisfied by your rupture

I watch you come undone.

 

~daydreamer 

Burn Me

Give me a moment,

just a second of your time

acknowledge the fire -

the tingle of your spine

Try to kiss and you will regret it.

love of lust is arson

and I will set it.

You can come closer 

so much closer to me

the flames are rising

the passion now burning I see

Our hearts in full blown acceleration

Stand close enough to feel our heat

let the sweat drip with anticipation

glancing shyly at your feet.

Try to kiss and you will regret it.

love of lust is arson

and I will set it.

your confident, your strong

you even believe you can take it

But I assure you beautiful,

my victims never make it. 

The fire ignites and swallows them whole

leaving a puddle of lust

and dust for a soul.

Try to kiss and you will regret it.

love of lust is arson

and I will set it.

~daydreamer

I have been

I have been the New girl, the Old girl, the OOOOOO girl, Transition girl, the OTHER girl. Before you judge on that last one, it was a long time ago. OKAY. We all have skeletons.

Most of those - ok all of those I will never be again.

Coming up on my almost full year of separation I have decided to amend my dating procedure.

The plan:

Go slow. Like really really slow.
Be open. Not like a revolving door but not like a fortress either.

Definition of slow : we are taking it back to the term "courting" eh-..? yeah! I like it. This can be accomplished by - exposure to various social situations, subtle interactions. Building a foundation built on friendship and companionship first. After a year or so of courting, the relationship can commence. ( I am pretty sure you all think I am nuts at this point but hear me out)

Our society has gotten so used to instant gratification. We thrive on the newest, the fastest and have forgotten the beauty of taking our time. We have to eat fast, think fast, drive fast......meet, fall in love and update your relationship status on social media. I am in no hurry. The right person for me will have the same ideals.

What about sex?

What about it? There is sex on every billboard, radio station and tv channel. Its time to dial it back. Sex yes is great. But - its so readily available on every street corner that it holds no value anymore. There is nothing "special" "intimate" or "exclusive" anymore.

So, My experience being the girl who helped get a person over their ex - never worked. It killed my soul mostly because I was always second guessing my position in that persons life.
Being the other girl was VERY short lived as it weighed on my conscience as a terrible thing to do to someone, especially having been cheated on. I was in a weird place in my life at that point.

The New girl was ehhh, after things loose their sheen its hard to say!

The OLD girl though - teaches you to stop rereading chapters lol. Leave it where it was.

And trust that I have become too old to be the OOOOOO girl anymore. Oh my goodness. Never again. I know Justin Beibs said never say never but I just have to with that one.

In my selfish little new journey - I am a ME girl. I will let you know where it goes, if anywhere.

~daydreamer

Desires

What makes your heart skip a beat? Is there a sight or smell that can trigger the chemical reaction of something that you want?

Desires can be as clean or dirty as you want them to. They are specific to each individual.

We can desire  for our children to do the dishes with out having a heart attack - we can desire for our partners to just know what we are thinking for once!

As I began on my journey it has taken me this long to start thinking about what my desires were, and to be honest when I first started - all I could come up with was what I did not want.

I had to begin to start to think about what I did want ~

I enjoy time by myself so, I desire autonomy.

The sexiest part of person is the level of conversation they can hold, I desire intellect.

So far I have described a long distance telephone relationship. I think its a start.

But seriously - ask yourself, what do YOU desire. If you know - ask yourself if you are getting it, and if you don't know ask yourself what it would take to get it! bommmchikkawowooow

Despite the large group of us that say we don't need or want anything. We do. Its human nature. I have always been a motivator pushing people to raise their standards, to push themselves to raise their personal bar. The other day I stopped and thought when has someone ever inspired me to raise my bar?

This survivalist attitude that I have had all of my life has pushed me to a point where I do not allow someone to inspire me. It is difficult for me to let someone in to the point where they can push me to raise my bar.

So, I discovered that I desire - someone that will motivate ME to raise MY bar.

Notice for a moment - my desires are all psychological/emotional. That is because the physical side for me is 100% driven by the mental. If you can not stimulate my mind - you will not have a chance at stimulating my body.

As a result. I have decided to become a Nun.

Not really but, I am sure you understand what I am saying.

It is like learning how to walk again. Letting my soft side come out (if there actually one in there) and letting someone else take the lead. I laughed out loud just thinking about that. Wish me luck. I really probably am not even ready for all that yet. Lets just see what happens. If I can embrace a softer side of me.

hi!

Its time for tea, its time for me.

9:07 pm......Bitty is in bed, homework is done (across the board - hers and mine). The second job has commenced and I don't hate it - I enjoy the music and the guests, however I don't really know how I feel about my coworkers.

I think there is a stark contrast between my real life and my restaurant life, life in the financial institution is a bit more rigid and organized - life in the service field is kind of crazy and aloof. We opened while being SEVERELY understaffed to accommodate the business and availability. There has already been 100% turn over for the bar and the busser.............its fiiiiiiiiine. Really.

Every shift its like meeting a new friend because that person wasn't there the time before. The only thing is I am constantly having to reintroduce myself to people. OH Hi yes, my name is - who are you? When did you start? TONIGHT OMG great welcome to the team! (whispering please don't quit)

I know I left you hanging for a bit there last month but I promise I will get back on track and you can hear and read all about my antics.

Tomorrow we are going to talk about DESIRES!

Don't miss it.

-daydreamer

Dating

I had some one ask me if the gym was a meat market - my normal sense of humor answered

"In the sense of the heavy population of meat heads.....yes"

Apparently the gym is the new club and there are stories of love and lust that have stemmed from curls and thrusts. (rhymes 2pts) I clarified for my associate that yes there are people who go to grab the attention of others. For the most part I am blind to it because I am so focused on attaining my own goals, that I can not be concerned over some one googly eyeing my ass or not.

My policy has always been look but don't touch.

Boys, and men a like - you must learn to be more discreet. It is socially acceptable to glance, it is creepy to stare. Further I assume that you have all passed puberty and it is probably not the first or last time you have seen a female, or a female wearing shorts, or leggings. Get it together.

Ladies, please. Do not get upset when the little boys come undone when you walk in with underwear on. You have ALL of OUR ATTENTION. Mission accomplished. There is one female in particular who spends more time fixing her hair and snapping selfies than she actually spends on the varies machines that she sits on.

She is very pretty yes, body - nearly perfect........hair - freshly flat-ironed, sneakers new - tank - spaghetti strapped and cropped - leggings tight rolled down to emphasis on the V by her hips and the fact that she has no underwear on. Seriously - no drawers, ever. LIKE WHY?! I am not going to lie - she annoys me. Mostly because I USED to have her body when I was a teenager lol and not a mom - but also because she occupies space a gym where people are trying to build bodies like hers that she effortlessly flaunts. ok, Im over it. For now.

Ok, now that we have not established anything in relation to the title of the post - I can substantiate that yes, the gym can be a meat market, a dating source and a place to advertise your ASSets - I had to.

ONLINE DATING, Has EXPLODED. What seemed like a last resort for a person looking for love has become a very popular way for people to meet. It seems like there are sites for all kinds of people looking for all kinds of love(rs) Farmers, Old people, Christians, Catholics, Young people, etc.

How does a person decide when they are ready to start dating after an ended relationship? Is it gauged by how lonely one is? A rebound? How much growth has become since the separation? I think that is entirely up to the individual and what they hope to achieve.

How you go about it can be personal as well. There is no right or wrong way to date, I take that back - I am sure there are some wrong ways to date.

A friend of mine said to me a few months ago - "You should start dating" and I burst out laughing, "No freaking way! I am not ready for that, that's not what this is about anyway" their response was "I'm just saying, do it now - before your too old" I thought about it, part of me agreed - and then the other part of me realized I am having way too much fun being selfish with my time, my bed, my house, my daughter - I do NOT want to disrupt that. Besides I have a lot more to achieve before becoming "someones" again. And not for nothing I don't even know what I want out of a spouse to even begin thinking about someone fitting the mold. pppffft date. yeah right.

What I would like, is conversation, art, museums, laughter, tea, peace......I am ready for that and nothing else.

~daydreamer

Home Owner Probs

We are ....what... 8 months into home ownership. Life was bound to start happening I suppose. Please excuse my dishes in the sink. My dishwasher is just for looks because it doesn't ACTUALLY work and the pipes under the sink are turning my cabinet into an indoor pool.

I hustled over to Target and scooped up a "dish pan" to start doing my dishes in the tub. Judgement free people. Judgement free. Of course in my normal way I wandered through the whole store in record time and picked up a few things like 70% candles and a MOS (mark out of stock) throw blanket, and cat food. Come to think of it that was actually WHY I went to Target - the cat food........not the dish pan - that was an "after thought".

Just a hint though way off topic.....scan EVERYTHING at Target - when an item goes MOS, that means the store was supposed to send it back to HQ, when that doesn't happen it gives the consumer (you and I) the opportunity to score items up to 95% off - no lie. WHHHHEEEEWWWW.

OK, here is the symptoms of my pipe problems. Periodically the sink will make a thudding noise when the facet is turned on - after a few googling sessions I have found the term "water hammer".....some called it a pressure issue, some called it air in the pipes  - fact of the matter is I have no IDEA and it is really starting to have a trickle effect of more issues, pun INTENDED.

Prior to the water hammer. I managed to kill my garbage disposal - apparently its not actually equipped to handle lemon quarters - so my efforts to disinfect and freshen were, we will say - counter productive. WHO KNEW. Once the GD died I started having issues with the water draining from the sink and located a leak where the dishwashers waste tube was attached prior to me owning the home. I had a my guy (associate, colleague, contractor) he tightened it up and we were good to go for a bit. I still had to plunge my sink from time to time and the dripping stopped momentarily.

Fast forward to NOW - hmmmmm. I have the hammer, the leak AND the slow draining. I started having challenges plunging the sink - and soon water was making it to the kitchen floor because of the leak below. Currently the Tri Fecta of OH CRAP. No, I can't find anything on youtube.com that helps me because I feel as though my problems are slightly unique to their "diy" informationals.

My guy wont be back from vegas until monday(ish) so I will wait until he and his guy can come over and fix me up! Once and for alllllll. And I literally CAN NOT wait until I can replace the dishwasher and the GD. No more having to plunge the sink, twist the arm of an eight year old to help with the chores around the house, because loading a dishwasher is absolutely the easiest thing to do on the entire planet.

Oh those will be good days! I can see it now!

~daydreamer

Check Up

Tuesday I had my first Dr apt in nearly a year. I have to re-certify for my meds periodically. So anyway, the last time I weighed in (march 2015) I was at 151, jumped my self on that scale and I was down to 138! That is excellent progress.

My doctor was really impressed with my skin, eyes and weight  loss - she commented on how I was beginning to look like myself again! My skin and eyes are much brighter since I quit drinking and started to take control of my health.

We began to review the panel of blood work that I had done way back in November, most everything looked GREAT. Except she forbid me to eat the yolk of an egg until there is "concrete evidence" that it is a healthier choice, - OK! - Where it was a little shaky was when we got to my liver function. My levels were 4 times higher than in 2011 (the last time I had blood work) and although they have come down significantly presumably from before I quit drinking her recommendation is if they do not come down by at least half in my next panel that we will have to do an ultra-sound to check in detail, the function.

By no means was this a death sentence but it was a clear snap shot of the damage my lifestyle had done to my body.

I drank more alcohol on a regular basis than my 4'9" body could handle - I am not against drinkers, or alcohol......I think that social situations and casual cocktails are great.......how ever when it is abused and over used it can have devastating impact on our bodies and minds. That was my case, and I think because I never really saw the physical impact my lifestyle was having I never really understood how far off the path I really was.

As happy as I was with my progress, it really was kind of saddening owning the path that I was on. It also gave me steadfast motivation to keep the momentum going in the right direction. We are granted only one body, I want to get the most mileage out of mine! I acknowledge that I have an addictive personality and am susceptible to forming habits quickly whether healthy or not.

When I was a teenager I was abusing drugs with my high school boyfriend. Its funny because prior to him I was a walking anti drug commercial, after I fell under his spell it started with casual pot smoking and progressed to ecstasy and cocaine. I as an ill informed teen tried to fit into his world. I knew in my heart that it was a problem and that it was wrong but we were too busy being in "love" and beating each other up to really stop. Until I did. He didn't. So I left. I left the black eyes. busted lips and rails behind. I am better when I do things cold turkey. When my head and heart say its over. Its over. 3 years after that I became a mother and there was definitely no looking back at the person that I used to be.

The alcohol was a hiccup. I am ready to leave that person behind too. 2016 the year of the Best Me yet.

~day dreamer

Word Play (draft)

Untitled

There was a girl with a light

lit within as bright as can be

but after the sunset

 darkness was all she could see

People never knew or saw

what was inside

never saw her with out a smile 

much less ever see her cry

The battle was with in

every single day

still she carried on for all time

in her intoxicating happy way

BIG BAD BUDGET

Ok friends so - I have, after several minutes figured out how to translate a Excel Sheet into something that you can view! There are many great resources online that can aid you in building your budget. By simply googling the topic you are immediately flooded with free (and pay for) resources.

Personally I used:

https://www.consumer.gov/content/make-budget-worksheet

After using the sheet I saw that there was a $225 deficit in my budget. That of course did not make me very happy but what I did was take an immediate inventory of where I could cut the fat. I also took a minute to brain storm ways to create additional income.

I have procrastinated on renewing my cell phone so that I would not have to be under contract anymore and free to do as I wish as a cellular consumer - however with my ex is still on my plan so I have not exactly figured out how to pull that trigger. In reality going to a prepaid service would save me well over $50 a month! I have not and WILL NOT put cable service in the home, and it is very rare that we go out to eat. In the event we do I found a restaurant where KIDS EAT FREE with the purchase of an adult entree <3 In Love <3

My utilities have been under moderate control by setting my thermostat at 63 degrees and stocking my living areas with throw blankets and slippers. On our beds I have flannel sheets and 2 blankets - this I found has kept up very cozy at night and during lazy weekends.

I NEVER pay full retail! and this has helped me with shopping for things like clothes and groceries. I am also very flexible with WHERE I shop. I am not above thrift stores or grocers like PriceRite or Aldi's. Goodwill has a 50% off a color tag each week and this is where I can really score with clothes for work, my daughter and home goods.

So you know I racked up some serious credit card debt in 2015 and I found a system that I really like to to pay them off. The image I have included is an example of the plan for 2016 - I have to say after I reviewed it I decided to pay off 1/2 the cards balances with a portion of my income tax and then proceed with what they call the "Snow Ball Method" the reason behind my decision to do that was driven by how long it was going to take me to pay off the higher balance card.

In 2016 I plan to rid myself of the credit card debt, ensuring I enter 2017 with a clean slate. I am preparing to budget for a plan to purchase a Washer/Dryer - Dishwasher/Disposal and Deep Freezer for the basement. I have also created the mentality to ensure I do not rack up unnecessary credit card debt! This past year was expensive but moving forward the cards will be used as a last resort and credit building basis ONLY.

As I continue to play with numbers I will keep you all in the loop and hopefully if you are finding yourself in the same boat I am, what you read will inspire some creativity.

I also have found a second job to fill my idle time. Yes because I am bored stiff with nothing to do. But I found a little serving gig that should be able to bring in an additional $250-300 monthly. This additional income will help relieve some of the deficit that I am currently facing in my budget and help keep my head ABOVE WATER. The greatest reason that I am choosing this particular venture is that it has the least amount of negative impact on time with my daughter. DOUBLE WIN.

Another way I am working on producing additional income is by selling things that I no longer want/need/have room for - these items are posted online and at local consignors.

The final method is using my creativity for PROFIT, more like starving artist at this point but I am SURE my time will come. I have set up an online boutique and as I build a collection will begin to sell my works on the boutiques site! 

So here is the big IDEA:

1. Cut the fat

2. Shop Smart(er)

3. Pay it DOWN

4. Budget Wisely

5. Make a littler more

6. Get creative

7. Don't get discourage (ever!)

Repeat steps 1-7 as many times as necessary to achieve your financial DREAMS!

~day dreamer

New Day

Now that I have dusted off my shoulder and returned to the normal maturity of a 30 something mother, with a deep relieving sigh - I acknowledge the NEW DAY!

Today I will be working on the PDF version of my budget plan - then I am going to see how to attach it to the post. I know with me saying this it sounds like I have no idea what I am doing as a blogger, but I assure I absolutely do NOT.........I am just winging it.

If at any point any of my readers want to shoot me an email with some suggestions, feedback or private comments: pllllleeease DO!

alphaqueen911@gmail.com

Talk soon!

~day dreamer

Silver Tongues

Good Afternoon - this may be a vent session but please take alert - it is also a warning to all parents. Single moms and dads - or parental units that still work as a team.

You have all began to read about the challenges that I am beginning to have as a split parent and this challenge is really coming to a head as of late.

The shenanigans with Mr. Paternity continue. I had to rescue my daughter from his parents house Monday night after returning from the gym. She had called me while I was walking my dog, as I had entered my house I was able to catch the last call. When I answered she was hysterically crying begging me to come home. I was able to get her to calm down by speaking gently and doing a series of breathing exercises that I have done with her since she was little, usually after an injury.

I asked the normal triage questions, did something happen? Whats making your heart hurt? etc. What it boiled down to was - she didn't want to be there and needed me. I was going to talk her through that but after her father grabbed the phone and started to bark at me about how "This was becoming an issue" and "She is waking the boys up" it was clear what I needed to do. I asked for the bitty to be put back on the phone and the last straw was when he barked at her - demanding her to tell me to come pick her up. I said dont you worry about a thing, I will be there in 2 minutes. Hopped in my car and headed over.

After parking my car I began to walk up to the garage, as I made it to the threshold - the door opened and out came my daughter in a t-shirt, boots and jacket wide open. I just about boiled over. Notice that I did not mention........PANTS...... her father had her in 17 degree weather with no pants on. This is where the silver tongue may have really got warmed up.

I hurried the bitty to the car and began to feel the anger rising in me. First of all its 9pm and I had to come pick up my daughter on YOUR time because you weren't able to calm her down. Then you send her outside in 17 degree weather with out being dressed appropriately. Unacceptable.

I got home, she was sound asleep with in minutes and I grabbed my phone and let the silver tongue flow. I for what ever reason could not hold back. Although I dont know exactly the reasons why I couldn't hold back. It probably had a lot to do with how court went and how my daughter has been feeling and now is just clear ignorance to everything around him - yeah that was probably it.

So we said what we said, did what we did and moved on it settled for a brief 24hrs or so. Not even, really - when I think about it.

I drove my daughter to school in the am - I encouraged her to talk to her father again about the concerns that she had, I explained to her that it was important for her to express how she was feeling. She at first made an excuse for him along the lines of, he is too busy to talk, I don't want to hurt his feelings etc. The light bulb went off in my head and I offered to be there to support her so she could feel empowered to voice her opinion and really be heard.

When she agreed I told her to tell her dad that she wanted to talk tonight. That was how we left it - with a kiss and well wishes for the day. So when it was time for her to come home about 10 minutes before I sent a reminder text that she would like to have a conversation tonight and to please make time. No sooner did my daughter get out of the car did he tear ass out of my driveway. So I called.

Remember how passive I said he was.

Me: Where are you going? Didn't you get my text?

Him: What text.

insert that emoji with the rolling eyes..........(I was unimpressed - because I knew, he knew exactly what i was talking about - yet I entertained the stupid)

Me: I told you she wanted to talk to you tonight, can you make it a priority? Please turn around and come back

Him: She can talk to me Sunday, I don't feel comfortable with having to go into your house.

Me: Ok, that is your choice but she has expressed wanting to do it with me present - so if you cant do this for her - you will have to own it

We hung up the phone, and although I wasn't surprised - it seems as if he never ceases to disappoint me. My daughter asked if he was coming back and I explained that he wasn't that he had something he needed to do. And she actually asked me to call him herself and ask him to come back. This kid is 8. She is trying to be assertive and respectively vocal about what she needs - I commend her, I know at 8 I didn't have that courage.

So she sat there practically begging him to come back. And he still said no. I dried her tears and tucked her in the bed making sure to acknowledge and commend her strength. When I passed by the message board in my living room there was a message to her father:

Dear dad,
If you don't talk to me
I am not sleeping over
love,
bitty

I had to sit there for a minute and think about the place she had to be in when she wrote that and understand what she was possibly feeling. And the boiling anger surfaced again - I sent him a picture of the message and of course he thinks I put her up to it, and that I get some sick joy out of driving them from each other.

We continued to chew at each other for an hour - like two rabid wolves that had the first taste of blood. I was a loser part time working college student shaking him down for more money. He was the guy who lives at home with his parents, 3 kids by 2 different people still married but has a girlfriend - who only has to parent about 18 hrs a week......but I sarcastically agreed that YES I WAS THE LOSER. For owning my own home and continuing my education and taking incredible care of my daughter on 18k a year after taxes and deductions (health ins, 401 etc)

We got down and dirty with the jabs at each other - but every time that i tried to circle back to the real issue, that my daughter needed more from him.....more than a cheap toy from 5below, or burger from Dairy Queen. She needs time and attention and conversation. His response was: I have three kids to take care of, you have it easy, you don't understand or care etc.

When he says things like that it sounds like the mother from Peanuts. I don't feel bad for him. You can not slight one child to take care of the rest. AND if you were not willing to do what ever it takes for those children - then you should have thought about that - we all had the same health class - we know what happens...........and how you can prevent it (no matter which side of the issue you stand)

I don't have any other children, and I probably will never have another. I made the choice to never risk having to raise another child in a split parenting lifestyle. That is my choice. And yes - I get sassy with him because of his choice - but I get things happen - every ones story is different. But my perspective is children don't get to choose their destiny, and it is hard for the children who have to go between two houses or don't even have that chance because the other person isn't in the picture, so I choose for my life to not let that happen. I choose to focus on the one I have - she is pretty great anyway.

Parents! We have got to be attentive, proactive and responsive with our children. When we do that - we can raise well rounded, well adjusted and confident children that wont fall victim to statistics. Lets agree to do what ever it takes to make it work. Lets choose our children first. Lets set the example of what parenting should be. And I will tell you - it IS different in every house - I know that. BUT we are a global community and it is scary trying to raise kids these days, now more than ever children need OUR BEST every single day...............drops mic, walks away

~day dreamer

Housekeeping!

Today was one of those deep cleaning house keeping days. I think because of all the crazy last week that my soul needed some NEW. When I woke up at 8 am (slept in) I a steaming hot cup of coffee, walked the rescue pup in our very mild January air. After my second cup of coffee my jets were running and I set out to spend the next 5 hours vacuuming, wiping, dusting, moving - lifting, sifting - fluffing, folding and hanging.

At one point I laughed at myself on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor and said - Welp, there you have it - the sexy is gone..........laughed a little harder and said - no WAAAYY nothing is sexier than a CLEAN HOUSE! Wax on, Wax off!

After giving the update for 2016 I tried to create the other pages that I talked about and found that it wasn't exactly what I had expected. I am working on a solution for what I want to do. I was hoping to be able to have the sub pages with specific topics listed on the homepage of my blog but unfortunately that was not exactly what was happening. Being a newbie I am sure with in a few weeks I may be able to figure it out and be in good shape.

If YOU guys know how to do it and care to share I would be very very grateful.

Any who I am working on my budget tonight, or lack there of. I know a lot of people are really personal with their finances but I am going to air mine out. In hopes that some one who thinks that there is no way THEY can do it - can see that YES it can be done. Not always the "right" or "easy" way - but accomplished none the less.......with that said - let me get at it!!

Talk soon!

~day dreamer

Head Scratcher

I spent tuesday at family court with my daughters father. I have been in my home for 7 months on a single income. Over the summer I requested just $10-15 dollars more a week in child support to help with expenses. He conveniently said no.

Putting the matter on the back burner, I did the best I could with what I had, used my credit cards as necessary - cut each penny into little 4 sections and stretched them as far as I could. In November I realized that I truly needed just a little more help from him. I didn't have my former spouse to help me anymore. After a conversation with the court deputy I decided to file for an addendum to our support order.

She opened my eyes to the gaps in my case. I was exasperated.

At my highest income I made 47% more than I make right now. Maybe you want to know why I would leave such a good paying job........I never saw my family. I was a retail store manager and worker 60 hours a week. My daughter was growing up and I was missing all of it. I decided to take a position with a highly respected company, and accepted that I would make significantly less. What I was gaining though you just cant put a dollar sign on.

Then I took on the task of separating from my spouse and becoming a single mother again. My company offers 401k and pension from day one, healthcare and life insurance from DAY ONE. Looking at the overall compensation package it made better sense long term for me. Buying a home saved me well over $400 a month versus renting. Please trust that I did not shoot the gun before loading the bullets.

Bitty's father makes $78,897 annually. to offer some perspective it is 4x's as much as I actually bring home after taxes and deductions (401, hsa, etc) I sped to that sooner than I wanted to. Lets rewind.

After parking in the Hall of Justice I walked nervously through the garage and to the elevators. Once you get into the atrium you can smell the stench of urine and body odor. Getting into the line to go through security you are in a sea of people. Some are speaking to their attorneys or their entourage of support. To the right you can see inmates lined up shackled at their ankles and hips - marshalls flanking them on either side.

I am familiar with the process so I make sure to come in with next to nothing. Just my required documents and some valid ID. Listening to people complain about taking off their belts and hats and what they are going to after this "bullshit" I stood stiffly in my business attire and modest heels. Feeling as if I was in a foreign country. Making it through security I thanked the officers and grabbed my file heading to the second floor. I made sure to collect the last bit of information and sat in the bench by the courtroom.

Our case was the first called and we sat in the same places in front of the same judge as we had 7 years ago. My heart beat was so loud you could probably had the stenographer document the sounds. The judge dryly reviewed the case and grounds. She requested our income statements and financial affidavits, I kept a straight and blank expression smiling only when appropriate and finishing every answer with a yes ma'am.

I answered my income questions with confidence, my hourly rate and 32hrs worked a week. When the judged asked why I wasn't working 40 hrs a week I explained that I was a student and that I also needed to be able to care for my daughter. She asked about healthcare coverage - and I had to prove that my daughter was covered under my plan. That was the button that turned the heat on her father.

"Mr. Paternity, you were granted a variance on the prior order - but it was stipulated that you maintain health care for the child - is the child covered as part of your plan currently?" asked judge.

"Well no, without my knowledge my daughter was removed from under my healthcare in 2014"

"And how exactly do you think that happened sir?"

"Probably her mother removed her!" he stated.

My head just about snapped off of my shoulders and I glared in his direction. The good thing is that I didn't even have to say anything because the judge quickly shot down his ridiculous claim. It is not possible for me to cancel someone else's policy. I reserved the fact that he called me in 2011 and told me he could no longer afford Bittys insurance so I put her on my plan - I was making 50k annually and I could afford it. $365 every two weeks. YOU DO THE MATH!

After the health insurance cluster they read his financial statement. As they read his income, my heart sunk with every number.

"Mr. Paternity as of your paycheck on 12/12/15 you made $78,897 this year"

This man has Boo-Hoo cried over not having any money to live, he lives with his parents and see's his children 24 hrs a week.............HOW?!

I am over here trying to pay my mortgage, car payment, utilities, garbage, water, insurance, fuel, food, daycare on one quarter of his income. My daughter is well cared for, well loved and has an amazing life no matter how complicated it is. I in some naive mind wished that he could just be thankful that his daughter has a nice home, room and never goes with out. I wished he would thank me for doing such a great job raising a well rounded, smart and creative soul. Instead he complains - about how terrible HIS life is. How little HE has.

I just cant stomach it. It doesn't make sense to me. And I feel foolish for putting weight into things that he has told me in the past, how he only acts with integrity - etc. Yet he lied straight to the judge and for years to me over the phone or in passing conversation.

Because Mr. Paternity had a snarky comment after everything the judge had to say, she recommended that he consult and attorney and invited him to trial in February. I allowed him a 37 second head start leaving the court room because I knew I couldn't even stand the sight of him. Since then I have had trouble sleeping because I was starting to feel like I was failing. That I was being irresponsible with my funds or assets - but I really am doing the best that I can with what I have.

I could get a second job, and I have thought about it - but then I risk what I tried to avoid in the beginning putting a company before my daughter. I promised her that it would never happen again, and I mean it. I will figure it out. Probably the hard way - but I will, I always do.

~daydreamer

Relationship with Me.

I wonder what first made you click on the title. Was it that you were interested in what it was like to be in a relationship with me. Read about the faults and missteps that I have taken along the way........we haven't gotten there yet. This post is about my desire to have a relationship with myself.

In previous posts I have eluded to what this whole concept just might mean. I am hoping to find the courage to put it in words for you all tonight.

I was reading an article not too long ago (meaning probably close to a year) and it asked the readers to do an exercise that really brought a huge issue to the front of mind for myself and presumably, everyone else who successfully completed the task.

Name the top 10 people you love. Go ahead, don't think its stupid - just do it. Write it down if you are a visual person. I can wait, take your time. 10 people you love. Read the list a couple of times, make sure you ACTUALLY love the people on your list, not just like a lot. Just kidding. oh, but don't exclude some one you might be currently feuding with it being the holidays and all I am sure there was a dinner table or two that may have gotten a little awkward.......you know you still love them too.

So where did YOU end up on that list. If you placed your self in the top 5 - right on! Bottom 5 - ok! However, what do you think it means if you didn't put your own name in the category of people you love. For starters I can tell you - your not alone. You are part of a large group of people including myself, who are so consumed in being care takers, order takers, deadline makers that we don't remember to think about ourselves. You could probably argue with a shoulder shrug and maybe a wrinkle of your forehead that pfft. "yeah, of course I love myself" Really hear me  out on this.

We tell our children, our spouses, family members and dear friends - I love you.

When was the last time you told yourself the same, with out feeling stupid. Can you count on one hand? Maybe 2? Seriously - we make everyone around us feel so good for hearing that yet we refrain from telling ourselves the same. This is what happened to me, my Ahhhh haaaaaah moment.

My answers : I didn't put myself on the love list and I had actually never told myself or even felt that I loved myself.

Like a lot of people I sought the love from external sources. Men, (cough, cough - sniffle) .....................women.................drugs and alcohol. We will talk about the slider in another post. All of those things provided temporary fixes. Euphoric lust, love and psychedelic rides. The good news is by age 20 I stopped doing drugs - but I drank like a fish often. I threw my towel in for the temporary fixes and forced myself to work towards what was real progress and growth. I sobered my mind completely and started breaking down my walls brick by brick.

The desire was to be able to look in the mirror and love the reflection - not just the skin and hair - but the soul inside.

I have done A LOT of wrong in my time, I needed to learn to see myself in not the mistakes of my past but in the light of my future. On my path from ill informed teen, to on my own at 16, through 5 years of a toxic and abusive relationship, to motherhood, to single mom, to engaged, to single mom again.........at 30 I looked in the mirror and said -

"Who the hell are you!?!"

Once you strip the titles off, who are you? Beyond being the mother, lover, ex, sister, wife, employee, friend..................who are YOU?

I had no idea. I knew what I wasn't, I knew who I didn't want to be - but in all these years I had never thought about it in this context. The concept both frightened and excited me. I set out to figure it out. And I am about 7 months into this process. I took what is concrete (my daughter) and we began this journey together.

So far I have learned that I enjoy being alone, reading, cooking and working out. I enjoy doing things socially that I would have only done drunk before like parties, weddings etc. I take my mental health and physical wellness so seriously! My nose used to snub tea, now? I have 7 different types in my kitchen.

12-15 years ago I would only paint while high, creating art through tragedy and sadness. Now I am able to pick up the brush and paint from my soul.

I am learning to be in a relationship with myself - to find the love with in, instead of externally. With this power will come a confidence to continue to grow and maybe eventually fall in love again. There is a reason why during flights they always tell you to put your mask on first, then tend to those around you. Because even the flight attendants know you have to take care of yourself first before you can serve others.

That is true in all areas of your life, if your good - we are all good.

So take some time, grow with me - learn to be in a relationship with yourself - and you will deepen your relationships with others as a result.

Upcoming!

As I continue to try to figure out this whole blogging thing, I am going to try a few changes to see if it helps any of my readers.

First I am going to start making pages that will kind of outline content for instance:

Sections for -

Relationship(s)

Parenting

Money

DIY

Wellness

Poetry

**sections listed above are for example only and may or may not be included in the actual construction**

My front page will continue to be a location for you can find my traditional entry but I will begin to have more specific content that you can choose to enjoy. 

Now let me get to WORK!

2016

There has only been two pages written in the story that will be 2016! I hope that you are finding the confidence to keep the story going in the direction that your heart needs it to go.

I have to be completely honest, there is a portion of my story that I struggle with. My ex fiance and I have historically seen each other since my separation. The motivator behind that is that they have been a HUGE part of my daughters life. The person that I have co parented with since 2009. It has not been easy to seclude myself from them because my daughter still asks for them.

There is no ill feelings between us so that portion is fine, but the struggle is balance of boundaries. How much is too much, too little or is it appropriate to bring interaction to a complete and abrupt end? I can say that I have done my part to make sure that I do not send the wrong message with administering affection. But I think it can be difficult for them to accept that our current status renders it inappropriate to be around each other too much. When I first allowed them into my life - it was familiar and safe, then it was too much and we were right back to the same relationship that I just walked away from.

As we spent time together things came up that made it clear that we no longer really had anything in common. Our positions in life were different - our goals - polarized. We were officially on 2 different roads going in 2 different directions. It was also hard for me to stay in my calm and positive mind because I would allow myself to feel frustrated or angered as a reaction to a situation or choice that the other party would make.

Part of my process in the separation is to live in the truth and live in the now - So I know I will need to find the words to send a clearer more positive message for what will lie ahead for us. Its going to hurt, this kinds of things always do - but I think I will be respected more for being honest and clear - than to continue the dance that we always seem to do.

for now.


~daydreamer