Good Afternoon - this may be a vent session but please take alert - it is also a warning to all parents. Single moms and dads - or parental units that still work as a team.
You have all began to read about the challenges that I am beginning to have as a split parent and this challenge is really coming to a head as of late.
The shenanigans with Mr. Paternity continue. I had to rescue my daughter from his parents house Monday night after returning from the gym. She had called me while I was walking my dog, as I had entered my house I was able to catch the last call. When I answered she was hysterically crying begging me to come home. I was able to get her to calm down by speaking gently and doing a series of breathing exercises that I have done with her since she was little, usually after an injury.
I asked the normal triage questions, did something happen? Whats making your heart hurt? etc. What it boiled down to was - she didn't want to be there and needed me. I was going to talk her through that but after her father grabbed the phone and started to bark at me about how "This was becoming an issue" and "She is waking the boys up" it was clear what I needed to do. I asked for the bitty to be put back on the phone and the last straw was when he barked at her - demanding her to tell me to come pick her up. I said dont you worry about a thing, I will be there in 2 minutes. Hopped in my car and headed over.
After parking my car I began to walk up to the garage, as I made it to the threshold - the door opened and out came my daughter in a t-shirt, boots and jacket wide open. I just about boiled over. Notice that I did not mention........PANTS...... her father had her in 17 degree weather with no pants on. This is where the silver tongue may have really got warmed up.
I hurried the bitty to the car and began to feel the anger rising in me. First of all its 9pm and I had to come pick up my daughter on YOUR time because you weren't able to calm her down. Then you send her outside in 17 degree weather with out being dressed appropriately. Unacceptable.
I got home, she was sound asleep with in minutes and I grabbed my phone and let the silver tongue flow. I for what ever reason could not hold back. Although I dont know exactly the reasons why I couldn't hold back. It probably had a lot to do with how court went and how my daughter has been feeling and now is just clear ignorance to everything around him - yeah that was probably it.
So we said what we said, did what we did and moved on it settled for a brief 24hrs or so. Not even, really - when I think about it.
I drove my daughter to school in the am - I encouraged her to talk to her father again about the concerns that she had, I explained to her that it was important for her to express how she was feeling. She at first made an excuse for him along the lines of, he is too busy to talk, I don't want to hurt his feelings etc. The light bulb went off in my head and I offered to be there to support her so she could feel empowered to voice her opinion and really be heard.
When she agreed I told her to tell her dad that she wanted to talk tonight. That was how we left it - with a kiss and well wishes for the day. So when it was time for her to come home about 10 minutes before I sent a reminder text that she would like to have a conversation tonight and to please make time. No sooner did my daughter get out of the car did he tear ass out of my driveway. So I called.
Remember how passive I said he was.
Me: Where are you going? Didn't you get my text?
Him: What text.
insert that emoji with the rolling eyes..........(I was unimpressed - because I knew, he knew exactly what i was talking about - yet I entertained the stupid)
Me: I told you she wanted to talk to you tonight, can you make it a priority? Please turn around and come back
Him: She can talk to me Sunday, I don't feel comfortable with having to go into your house.
Me: Ok, that is your choice but she has expressed wanting to do it with me present - so if you cant do this for her - you will have to own it
We hung up the phone, and although I wasn't surprised - it seems as if he never ceases to disappoint me. My daughter asked if he was coming back and I explained that he wasn't that he had something he needed to do. And she actually asked me to call him herself and ask him to come back. This kid is 8. She is trying to be assertive and respectively vocal about what she needs - I commend her, I know at 8 I didn't have that courage.
So she sat there practically begging him to come back. And he still said no. I dried her tears and tucked her in the bed making sure to acknowledge and commend her strength. When I passed by the message board in my living room there was a message to her father:
Dear dad,
If you don't talk to me
I am not sleeping over
love,
bitty
I had to sit there for a minute and think about the place she had to be in when she wrote that and understand what she was possibly feeling. And the boiling anger surfaced again - I sent him a picture of the message and of course he thinks I put her up to it, and that I get some sick joy out of driving them from each other.
We continued to chew at each other for an hour - like two rabid wolves that had the first taste of blood. I was a loser part time working college student shaking him down for more money. He was the guy who lives at home with his parents, 3 kids by 2 different people still married but has a girlfriend - who only has to parent about 18 hrs a week......but I sarcastically agreed that YES I WAS THE LOSER. For owning my own home and continuing my education and taking incredible care of my daughter on 18k a year after taxes and deductions (health ins, 401 etc)
We got down and dirty with the jabs at each other - but every time that i tried to circle back to the real issue, that my daughter needed more from him.....more than a cheap toy from 5below, or burger from Dairy Queen. She needs time and attention and conversation. His response was: I have three kids to take care of, you have it easy, you don't understand or care etc.
When he says things like that it sounds like the mother from Peanuts. I don't feel bad for him. You can not slight one child to take care of the rest. AND if you were not willing to do what ever it takes for those children - then you should have thought about that - we all had the same health class - we know what happens...........and how you can prevent it (no matter which side of the issue you stand)
I don't have any other children, and I probably will never have another. I made the choice to never risk having to raise another child in a split parenting lifestyle. That is my choice. And yes - I get sassy with him because of his choice - but I get things happen - every ones story is different. But my perspective is children don't get to choose their destiny, and it is hard for the children who have to go between two houses or don't even have that chance because the other person isn't in the picture, so I choose for my life to not let that happen. I choose to focus on the one I have - she is pretty great anyway.
Parents! We have got to be attentive, proactive and responsive with our children. When we do that - we can raise well rounded, well adjusted and confident children that wont fall victim to statistics. Lets agree to do what ever it takes to make it work. Lets choose our children first. Lets set the example of what parenting should be. And I will tell you - it IS different in every house - I know that. BUT we are a global community and it is scary trying to raise kids these days, now more than ever children need OUR BEST every single day...............drops mic, walks away
~day dreamer
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