Relationship with Me.

I wonder what first made you click on the title. Was it that you were interested in what it was like to be in a relationship with me. Read about the faults and missteps that I have taken along the way........we haven't gotten there yet. This post is about my desire to have a relationship with myself.

In previous posts I have eluded to what this whole concept just might mean. I am hoping to find the courage to put it in words for you all tonight.

I was reading an article not too long ago (meaning probably close to a year) and it asked the readers to do an exercise that really brought a huge issue to the front of mind for myself and presumably, everyone else who successfully completed the task.

Name the top 10 people you love. Go ahead, don't think its stupid - just do it. Write it down if you are a visual person. I can wait, take your time. 10 people you love. Read the list a couple of times, make sure you ACTUALLY love the people on your list, not just like a lot. Just kidding. oh, but don't exclude some one you might be currently feuding with it being the holidays and all I am sure there was a dinner table or two that may have gotten a little awkward.......you know you still love them too.

So where did YOU end up on that list. If you placed your self in the top 5 - right on! Bottom 5 - ok! However, what do you think it means if you didn't put your own name in the category of people you love. For starters I can tell you - your not alone. You are part of a large group of people including myself, who are so consumed in being care takers, order takers, deadline makers that we don't remember to think about ourselves. You could probably argue with a shoulder shrug and maybe a wrinkle of your forehead that pfft. "yeah, of course I love myself" Really hear me  out on this.

We tell our children, our spouses, family members and dear friends - I love you.

When was the last time you told yourself the same, with out feeling stupid. Can you count on one hand? Maybe 2? Seriously - we make everyone around us feel so good for hearing that yet we refrain from telling ourselves the same. This is what happened to me, my Ahhhh haaaaaah moment.

My answers : I didn't put myself on the love list and I had actually never told myself or even felt that I loved myself.

Like a lot of people I sought the love from external sources. Men, (cough, cough - sniffle) .....................women.................drugs and alcohol. We will talk about the slider in another post. All of those things provided temporary fixes. Euphoric lust, love and psychedelic rides. The good news is by age 20 I stopped doing drugs - but I drank like a fish often. I threw my towel in for the temporary fixes and forced myself to work towards what was real progress and growth. I sobered my mind completely and started breaking down my walls brick by brick.

The desire was to be able to look in the mirror and love the reflection - not just the skin and hair - but the soul inside.

I have done A LOT of wrong in my time, I needed to learn to see myself in not the mistakes of my past but in the light of my future. On my path from ill informed teen, to on my own at 16, through 5 years of a toxic and abusive relationship, to motherhood, to single mom, to engaged, to single mom again.........at 30 I looked in the mirror and said -

"Who the hell are you!?!"

Once you strip the titles off, who are you? Beyond being the mother, lover, ex, sister, wife, employee, friend..................who are YOU?

I had no idea. I knew what I wasn't, I knew who I didn't want to be - but in all these years I had never thought about it in this context. The concept both frightened and excited me. I set out to figure it out. And I am about 7 months into this process. I took what is concrete (my daughter) and we began this journey together.

So far I have learned that I enjoy being alone, reading, cooking and working out. I enjoy doing things socially that I would have only done drunk before like parties, weddings etc. I take my mental health and physical wellness so seriously! My nose used to snub tea, now? I have 7 different types in my kitchen.

12-15 years ago I would only paint while high, creating art through tragedy and sadness. Now I am able to pick up the brush and paint from my soul.

I am learning to be in a relationship with myself - to find the love with in, instead of externally. With this power will come a confidence to continue to grow and maybe eventually fall in love again. There is a reason why during flights they always tell you to put your mask on first, then tend to those around you. Because even the flight attendants know you have to take care of yourself first before you can serve others.

That is true in all areas of your life, if your good - we are all good.

So take some time, grow with me - learn to be in a relationship with yourself - and you will deepen your relationships with others as a result.