Tough Job

To the single moms in the world:

You rock.

To the single dads in the world:

You rock.

There is something to be said about people who don't quit. Who rally to become their own team. Raising children is hard. Doing it on your own is even harder. Parents separate for many reasons - sometimes its for safety, loss of love, loss of fight and sometimes its the loss of life. 

My daughter has never known her father and I together - she was just about to turn one when we loss the will to fight. Nothing was really wrong, and yet nothing was really right. We just didn't want to do it anymore. So, I moved out and started living my own life with this rambunctious little girl who I am so blessed to be able to cherish as MINE.

Custody can be ugly - I tell you - family court is no vacation in the sand ........... unless its in the middle east and there is a sandstorm, its a vacation like that I guess. My experience was no exception to that. We battled. There was plenty of squawking between the two parties. I only lost my temper a couple of times. In the court room we were all cool calm and collected - but thanks to my diligence and my conviction for what was right for my daughter - I was awarded SOLE CUSTODY. 

How?

The State of New York has strict regulation on Nomenclature. No other adult other than the natural or adoptive parent can be referred to as either "mommy, mom, mother" or "daddy, dad, father"

further, it is not in the best interest of the child to have images posted with out consent on social media. Lastly, the State of New York will assign a Law Guardian to the child that will represent the best interest of the child by interviewing all parties and observing them in their natural environments. 

Things they will take in consideration is the living arrangements, life choices, emotional surroundings. If when interviewing your spouse they say something like "I should have never married him, I don't feel the love" That can negatively impact the image of what the child's life might be like while in your care. 

So after about 6 months of court - interviews, testimonies, evidence - I was awarded - what New York State defined as the best interest of the child. 100% sole custody.

In my opinion is where he went wrong was not fighting. That's actually what separated us in the first place if you remember. He saw no issue with the path that he was on - but i knew it was a ticking time bomb, and some day it would explode. I just refused to let my daughter be a part of it. And it did - he and his wife split just after their daughter turned one - they fought all of the time........it was a crazy time. What I found as most bothersome is after I was awarded custody, this man calls me and forfeits a day of visitation. Although I was happy to have MORE time with her, it was a new level of disappointment on his behalf. I couldn't understand what the motive would have been to give up another day. But I took it and coveted it. 

If it wasn't for my partner at the time, I probably would have totally lost the whole thing by not keeping my cool and trying to be mature. I turn into a grizzly bear when some one rattles my cage about my baby. I am incredibly protective and fiercely loyal to my responsibilities as her mother. There were moments when I was called every name under the sun to be provoked by the wife. Accused of everything and the ugliest of things. I as a ill informed teen - probably would have went Street Fighter on her. But thankfully I had some one in my ear - "maybe you don't want to say it like that" "maybe you shouldn't even respond"

With the support of my partner I was able to avoid blowing my lid and probably prevented an actual criminal record. 

Now after ending my engagement - I am back in the single parent boat. Life is different now there are so many new and demanding requirements. Its fun in a I am exhausted falling asleep sitting up fun way. Just kidding. Bitty (daughter) isn't a toddler anymore. She can be expressive about her feelings and communicate and question ALMOST EVERYTHING. While I know it is particularly tough for my former fiance - I am so grateful to have this time with her. Shes smart - and funny - curious about everything. We talk a lot about what ails her, or how she understands the world around her. Its beautiful and I hope that it stays the same as she grows into an ill informed teen. (smiling) 

I may be a single parent, and a lot of times I don't even know if I am doing a good job at it - but I have so much to celebrate in that little girls life. She is the center of my universe.

To the parents out there, struggling to make ends me, to balance all of your roles - to trying to make sure you don't screw your kids up...........you really are doing a good job, half the battle is feeling it and caring about it. The rest works itself out over time. At least that is what I am telling myself. 

~ Day Dreamer