Behind

Behind

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Then there was.....

When was the last time you thought about what you needed. What you enjoy about yourself or to do in your spare time (as if any of us really have SPARE time) that question came up for me when I approached turning 30 and full speed after the birthday had passed.

I sat down in awe that I had no idea who I was. Sure I was a mother, a partner, an employee, a friend and a daughter. But who was I after those titles were taken off at night? Sadly. I had no idea. I could not recognize the face in the mirror and I was literally just going through the motions.The discomfort in my own skin motivated me to flip my world on its back – I ended my engagement of 6 years and sought out to find myself again.

The line “You have to get lost before you can be found” Stuck in my heart. I had to dig and deep over 30 years of stuff building up in my head and heart. I had to unlock the doors to all the deepest darkest family secrets. Years and years of fear and regret. I had to say YES to feeling it, owning the scars as proof of not only the damage but the fact that I made it through. For a period of time I chose to be a blast in a glass and masked my own dissatisfaction with my life with bottles of wine and shots of liquor. What usually happened is me not knowing or even caring about my limits and drinking until I found the floor. Now, Now – I wasn’t drinking like that EVERY day but when I would binge – no one knew what the result was going to be. Funny happy dreamer or a petite nightmare. 

On my 30th birthday I had my last glass of wine. I pledged at least 1yr sobriety. I to this day have stuck to it so YAY for me. But on a serious note I owned the fact that the changes that I am looking to make in my life I needed to clear my mind and my heart. I set the bottle down and I set out to conquer my goals. We can talk about my over drinking in depth at a later time..........

It feels scattered right now. I will be back.

~ Day Dreamer


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