When was the last time you thought about what you needed.
What you enjoy about yourself or to do in your spare time (as if any of us
really have SPARE time) that question came up for me when I approached turning
30 and full speed after the birthday had passed.
I sat down in awe that I had no idea who I was. Sure I was a
mother, a partner, an employee, a friend and a daughter. But who was I after
those titles were taken off at night? Sadly. I had no idea. I could not
recognize the face in the mirror and I was literally just going through the
motions.The discomfort in my own skin motivated me to flip my world
on its back – I ended my engagement of 6 years and sought out to find myself
again.
The line “You have to get lost before you can be found”
Stuck in my heart. I had to dig and deep over 30 years of stuff building up in
my head and heart. I had to unlock the doors to all the deepest darkest family
secrets. Years and years of fear and regret. I had to say YES to feeling it,
owning the scars as proof of not only the damage but the fact that I made it
through. For a period of time I chose to be a blast in a glass and masked my
own dissatisfaction with my life with bottles of wine and shots of liquor. What
usually happened is me not knowing or even caring about my limits and drinking
until I found the floor. Now, Now – I wasn’t drinking like that EVERY day but
when I would binge – no one knew what the result was going to be. Funny happy
dreamer or a petite nightmare.
On my 30th birthday I had my last
glass of wine. I pledged at least 1yr sobriety. I to this day have stuck to it
so YAY for me. But on a serious note I owned the fact that the changes that I
am looking to make in my life I needed to clear my mind and my heart. I set the
bottle down and I set out to conquer my goals. We can talk about my over
drinking in depth at a later time..........
It feels scattered right now. I will be back.
~ Day Dreamer
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