Split Parenting

Split parenting is challenging. It was easier when my daughter was younger and her needs were pretty basic. As the years have passed her needs as evolved from just food, water, rest a clean diaper........to emotional support and validation.

My eight year old seeks to be heard and understood. She looks for encouragement and support from her parents and the adults that love her. She works hard to do well at all that she does, even in the moments when she strays to distraction.

In my home I am in control of those aspects of her needs. I have an inherent ability to understand the message that she is trying to convey and offer sound guidance and advice on how she can handle any challenges that she can face.

Too many times she has come home from her fathers house and has struggled with feeling like her position in the family wasn't important.

One evening while walking Vida (the rescue puppy) the bitty and I were having a touch base conversation where we talk about our days and things that may have happend. The fun side of her came out and  - she squeezed me and proclaimed the I was her favorite and best mommy, my response was that I was her only mommy and that is why she was saying that! The squeeze got tighter and we continued on our walk.

I asked about her daddy - is daddy your favorite best daddy too. The expectation was that she would say yes, as any normal circumstance may have yielded. But when her face suddenly got serious - I was worried about what she had to say.

"No, well - I love him mommy but, sometimes its like - like he doesn't even know me"

We dove a little deeper into that statement because we can absolutely all agree that it isn't something that we hope to hear from our child. She, feels as though her father doesn't have time to listen to her while tending to her other siblings. He does have two other children one of which is a toddler. It would be an understatement to say that his hands are full. The impact though is an inability to balance all 3 of the children.

I am sure he tries to maximize his time with the kids in the allotted visitation. As a mother I am trying to define whether or not that is enough for my child. This part of her life as she is becoming older it is important for her to feel empowered by her parents, namely her father as she begins to define people and roles in her life. What she finds acceptable from males in her life.

I asked her why she has not talked to him about it and she expressed fear of disturbing his "happiness" this is an 8 year old girl who is setting aside her own grievances in order to keep her father as what she thinks is happy. My advice on the matter was to talk to him, because that was the only way that he would be able to know that there was an issue.

The 30 something in my wanted to watch him sink as a parent, but the mature side of me knew that for the best interest of my daughter that I would have to open his eyes to the matter. None of us had parenting handbooks. My phones not ringing with hints on what I should be doing or what I could be missing. So I was admittedly frustrated by having to do this. In the typical passive way the response I received was "I will work on it"

It was my better judgement to not drill into that because I know what can happen if I push it. I get frustrated and snappy, he gets frustrated and snappy and we accomplish LESS than NOTHING. The only person that will continue to suffer is my daughter.

How, I ask to we all balance this split parenting? One house to the next, standards that aren't similar, expectations that aren't met.

Could she have a worse father? sure. Could he be doing a better job? We all could do better I am sure. But as mother, I have this burning fire to demand for MORE.

My daughter deserves better than sub-standard. Deserves more than excuses, or 4 people sleeping in a bedroom. She deserves time, conversation - some privacy (as appropriate for an 8 year old girl) She deserves to be inspired and challenged, to share her talents and her imagination with the people she loves. She deserves for her parents to take an interest in what she is good at, take passion in what she is passionate about.

Can split parenting work? Sometimes, but right now - I need it to work better. For the sake of my daughter.