No sooner did I post today did the bitty come home in tears again. This time, she feels outlawed by her sister. In my opinion this kid (the sister) has been over coddled and brainwashed into believing she can walk on water. Hear me out before you think I am cruel.
She since birth was treated like a porcelain doll. My daughter was instructed to steer clear of her as a concern for her potentially hurting her. As funny as i found that I did think it was ludicrous that her father even allowed the other mother to enforce this. As the children began to grow up with the limited time that they spent together it was hard for them to begin to formulate a bond. My bitty started school first and the sister 3 years behind her - had expressed difficulty with the attention not being on her. So when Bittys dad would try to help with homework or watch her at Taekwondo the sister made it impossible. The methods she uses to pull her dad from her older sister is full blown kick down drag out tantrums. I am talking blood curdling screams, jumping, latching and stomping. Until he focuses on her, then she is calm and in his arms. Leaving my daughter to have to figure it out herself.
From there, the clear difference in parenting style shows in the mannerisms in the children. My daughter takes me seriously, she may press her luck and try my patience - but when she gets the look......her halo goes back on. The other is defiant. And loooooooooves the word no, especially following the request or direction from an adult. My daughter - angel, I mean ANGEL in public, the other uses it as a stage to display her lack of respect for authority, to the level where their dad had to stop taking my daughter to Taekwondo on his days because he couldn't "handle it".
YOU GOT PUNKED BY A 5 YEAR OLD BUDDY. get it together.
Bitty has to take a back seat to trying to get her sister on track. Their dad has to spend so much time having corrective action with the one child, "preventative" action with the toddler that the older more capable child is in the shadows. Forgotten about.
Had parent one and parent two been more proactive with discipline and structure the other child probably wouldn't need as much redirecting. My opinion.
Where my feathers get ruffled is when my daughter comes home with her face withdrawn, i ask whats wrong and she runs into my arms crying about how her sister hit her in the face with a doll and her father didn't defend her. That was tonight. We spent 45 minutes talking about how her sister makes her feel and how "daddy doesn't do anything" How she is expressing an inequality between the children and her daddy shuts her feelings down, saying that she is just being a tattle tell. She says that he will often just say it is hard with 3 kids, (what she actually said was - daddy tells everyone its hard with 3 kids)
WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WOULD GET EASIER??!! get it together.
So now there is a three way battle with in myself on how to move forward. The 30 something in me, the mature(er) me and the momma grizzly bear are trying to figure out how to handle it.
With my daughter my strategy was hold her till the tears stopped. Then I sat her down and we talked. She is articulate beyond her years, I used words like, How did you handle that? Did you talk to your daddy about it? What can he do to help? I wanted her to understand how important it is to communicate with her father - and how important it is for her feelings to be heard. I also wanted her to start developing the abstract thought process in problem solving.
It helped I think, she hugged me and said all she wanted to do was be home with me - because she knows I will always keep her safe and listen when things happen to her.
My mind after reprocessing that hopes she feels the same as a teen. And even more as an adult.
Please if you have input, thoughts or similar challenges - share them with me. This is just my petite perspective - but I would love feedback from YOU!
~day dreamer
Behind
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Split Parenting
Split parenting is challenging. It was easier when my daughter was younger and her needs were pretty basic. As the years have passed her needs as evolved from just food, water, rest a clean diaper........to emotional support and validation.
My eight year old seeks to be heard and understood. She looks for encouragement and support from her parents and the adults that love her. She works hard to do well at all that she does, even in the moments when she strays to distraction.
In my home I am in control of those aspects of her needs. I have an inherent ability to understand the message that she is trying to convey and offer sound guidance and advice on how she can handle any challenges that she can face.
Too many times she has come home from her fathers house and has struggled with feeling like her position in the family wasn't important.
One evening while walking Vida (the rescue puppy) the bitty and I were having a touch base conversation where we talk about our days and things that may have happend. The fun side of her came out and - she squeezed me and proclaimed the I was her favorite and best mommy, my response was that I was her only mommy and that is why she was saying that! The squeeze got tighter and we continued on our walk.
I asked about her daddy - is daddy your favorite best daddy too. The expectation was that she would say yes, as any normal circumstance may have yielded. But when her face suddenly got serious - I was worried about what she had to say.
"No, well - I love him mommy but, sometimes its like - like he doesn't even know me"
We dove a little deeper into that statement because we can absolutely all agree that it isn't something that we hope to hear from our child. She, feels as though her father doesn't have time to listen to her while tending to her other siblings. He does have two other children one of which is a toddler. It would be an understatement to say that his hands are full. The impact though is an inability to balance all 3 of the children.
I am sure he tries to maximize his time with the kids in the allotted visitation. As a mother I am trying to define whether or not that is enough for my child. This part of her life as she is becoming older it is important for her to feel empowered by her parents, namely her father as she begins to define people and roles in her life. What she finds acceptable from males in her life.
I asked her why she has not talked to him about it and she expressed fear of disturbing his "happiness" this is an 8 year old girl who is setting aside her own grievances in order to keep her father as what she thinks is happy. My advice on the matter was to talk to him, because that was the only way that he would be able to know that there was an issue.
The 30 something in my wanted to watch him sink as a parent, but the mature side of me knew that for the best interest of my daughter that I would have to open his eyes to the matter. None of us had parenting handbooks. My phones not ringing with hints on what I should be doing or what I could be missing. So I was admittedly frustrated by having to do this. In the typical passive way the response I received was "I will work on it"
It was my better judgement to not drill into that because I know what can happen if I push it. I get frustrated and snappy, he gets frustrated and snappy and we accomplish LESS than NOTHING. The only person that will continue to suffer is my daughter.
How, I ask to we all balance this split parenting? One house to the next, standards that aren't similar, expectations that aren't met.
Could she have a worse father? sure. Could he be doing a better job? We all could do better I am sure. But as mother, I have this burning fire to demand for MORE.
My daughter deserves better than sub-standard. Deserves more than excuses, or 4 people sleeping in a bedroom. She deserves time, conversation - some privacy (as appropriate for an 8 year old girl) She deserves to be inspired and challenged, to share her talents and her imagination with the people she loves. She deserves for her parents to take an interest in what she is good at, take passion in what she is passionate about.
Can split parenting work? Sometimes, but right now - I need it to work better. For the sake of my daughter.
My eight year old seeks to be heard and understood. She looks for encouragement and support from her parents and the adults that love her. She works hard to do well at all that she does, even in the moments when she strays to distraction.
In my home I am in control of those aspects of her needs. I have an inherent ability to understand the message that she is trying to convey and offer sound guidance and advice on how she can handle any challenges that she can face.
Too many times she has come home from her fathers house and has struggled with feeling like her position in the family wasn't important.
One evening while walking Vida (the rescue puppy) the bitty and I were having a touch base conversation where we talk about our days and things that may have happend. The fun side of her came out and - she squeezed me and proclaimed the I was her favorite and best mommy, my response was that I was her only mommy and that is why she was saying that! The squeeze got tighter and we continued on our walk.
I asked about her daddy - is daddy your favorite best daddy too. The expectation was that she would say yes, as any normal circumstance may have yielded. But when her face suddenly got serious - I was worried about what she had to say.
"No, well - I love him mommy but, sometimes its like - like he doesn't even know me"
We dove a little deeper into that statement because we can absolutely all agree that it isn't something that we hope to hear from our child. She, feels as though her father doesn't have time to listen to her while tending to her other siblings. He does have two other children one of which is a toddler. It would be an understatement to say that his hands are full. The impact though is an inability to balance all 3 of the children.
I am sure he tries to maximize his time with the kids in the allotted visitation. As a mother I am trying to define whether or not that is enough for my child. This part of her life as she is becoming older it is important for her to feel empowered by her parents, namely her father as she begins to define people and roles in her life. What she finds acceptable from males in her life.
I asked her why she has not talked to him about it and she expressed fear of disturbing his "happiness" this is an 8 year old girl who is setting aside her own grievances in order to keep her father as what she thinks is happy. My advice on the matter was to talk to him, because that was the only way that he would be able to know that there was an issue.
The 30 something in my wanted to watch him sink as a parent, but the mature side of me knew that for the best interest of my daughter that I would have to open his eyes to the matter. None of us had parenting handbooks. My phones not ringing with hints on what I should be doing or what I could be missing. So I was admittedly frustrated by having to do this. In the typical passive way the response I received was "I will work on it"
It was my better judgement to not drill into that because I know what can happen if I push it. I get frustrated and snappy, he gets frustrated and snappy and we accomplish LESS than NOTHING. The only person that will continue to suffer is my daughter.
How, I ask to we all balance this split parenting? One house to the next, standards that aren't similar, expectations that aren't met.
Could she have a worse father? sure. Could he be doing a better job? We all could do better I am sure. But as mother, I have this burning fire to demand for MORE.
My daughter deserves better than sub-standard. Deserves more than excuses, or 4 people sleeping in a bedroom. She deserves time, conversation - some privacy (as appropriate for an 8 year old girl) She deserves to be inspired and challenged, to share her talents and her imagination with the people she loves. She deserves for her parents to take an interest in what she is good at, take passion in what she is passionate about.
Can split parenting work? Sometimes, but right now - I need it to work better. For the sake of my daughter.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
New Year
As we begin look at the close of 2015, we can start to build our plans and goals for 2016. You will join me on my journey to conquer my credit card debt and plan for my financial future. I hope to be able to share pointers and plans that you may find helpful. I am not a finance major - math has not actually ever been my strong point......come to think of it neither has been making sound spending decisions. That part come from this tiny nerve ending in my body that is a LITTLE impulsive.
Just a few years ago I actually had TERRRRRRIIIIIBBBLLLE credit. However, I matured a bit. Shifting my spending from THINGS to grocery - and only allowed myself to spend what was strictly budgeted for. I was able to pay down old debts and use secured, small and short term loans to begin to correct my payment history.
After a year or so, I was able to qualify for a auto loan, a mortgage and a traditional visa. With buying the house this past year I incurred some credit card debt and look to pay it off as to not negatively impact the credit that I just rebuilt. As we have it currently I have approximately $6000.00 in credit card debt that I will look to rid myself of around tax season.
2016's plan is to reduce unsecured debt, (direct correlation) reduce debt to income ratio, use supplemental funds to reduce as much of the principle on the auto loan and the mortgage. Well that about sums up my financial foundation. As I construct the actual plan I will lay it all out brick by brick. Now that I actually put it out there I know I will be held accountable.
Physically I have set the goal to achieve and maintain a size 4. Ladies and gentlemen I was a 12/14. My progress has plateaued at a size 8.....6 if I'm feeling frisky. My weight fluctuates from a 137 to 133 but I am not as concerned about the pounds as I am the distribution of weight and muscle mass versus fatty tissue. Maybe if I am feeling really brave I will post a pic - of my heaviest, to now and then this time next year.........you all will see if I made it.
I haven't really taken much time to think about what my emotional growth goal or plan would be for 2016. Personally I think it will probably be a continuation to what I have been doing this year. Finding myself. or Redefining myself.......what ever it is, I am POSITIVE it will be great. Through the damage and the pain or whatever joys I celebrate from my past, I will continue in 2016 to not let it over shadow my future.
My mommy goal - say yes more, no less. I will explain in a later post. PROMISE, and IF I begin to forget just remind me.
My woman plan - put myself in unfamiliar social settings. This will allow me to meet new people - broaden my horizons, network and maybe get a peek at life from another petite perspective.
~ day dreamer
Just a few years ago I actually had TERRRRRRIIIIIBBBLLLE credit. However, I matured a bit. Shifting my spending from THINGS to grocery - and only allowed myself to spend what was strictly budgeted for. I was able to pay down old debts and use secured, small and short term loans to begin to correct my payment history.
After a year or so, I was able to qualify for a auto loan, a mortgage and a traditional visa. With buying the house this past year I incurred some credit card debt and look to pay it off as to not negatively impact the credit that I just rebuilt. As we have it currently I have approximately $6000.00 in credit card debt that I will look to rid myself of around tax season.
2016's plan is to reduce unsecured debt, (direct correlation) reduce debt to income ratio, use supplemental funds to reduce as much of the principle on the auto loan and the mortgage. Well that about sums up my financial foundation. As I construct the actual plan I will lay it all out brick by brick. Now that I actually put it out there I know I will be held accountable.
Physically I have set the goal to achieve and maintain a size 4. Ladies and gentlemen I was a 12/14. My progress has plateaued at a size 8.....6 if I'm feeling frisky. My weight fluctuates from a 137 to 133 but I am not as concerned about the pounds as I am the distribution of weight and muscle mass versus fatty tissue. Maybe if I am feeling really brave I will post a pic - of my heaviest, to now and then this time next year.........you all will see if I made it.
I haven't really taken much time to think about what my emotional growth goal or plan would be for 2016. Personally I think it will probably be a continuation to what I have been doing this year. Finding myself. or Redefining myself.......what ever it is, I am POSITIVE it will be great. Through the damage and the pain or whatever joys I celebrate from my past, I will continue in 2016 to not let it over shadow my future.
My mommy goal - say yes more, no less. I will explain in a later post. PROMISE, and IF I begin to forget just remind me.
My woman plan - put myself in unfamiliar social settings. This will allow me to meet new people - broaden my horizons, network and maybe get a peek at life from another petite perspective.
~ day dreamer
Friday, December 25, 2015
Untitled.
be patient
be quiet
be still
the world is waiting,
give it your soul to fill
all around us day and night
there is life happening -
birds in flight
be patient
be quiet
be still
not all silence requires
words to fill
listen more, talk less
there is life happening
but you will miss it -unless
you can -
be patient be quiet be still
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Christmas Eve
Merry Christmas! This is our first Christmas in the Sanctuary (my new house) I am so thankful for tonight. Today I worked for a few hours and then I had an opportunity to spend an after noon with some PURE CHAMPIONS!
The Champion Academy was started by former NFL Star Roland Williams. His objective was to reach youth in our community and help them learn valuable life skills about how to set and achieve goals, how to function as a member of a team and community. It strives for academic and personal excellence. You can see more of his work at http://championacademyrochester.org/
Out of 250 students there were 4 students that managed to achieve a 4.0 or better in their semester in school. These students have been working tirelessly and living the core values of the Champion Academy. Their living situations vary from having single parents, being raised by family members or other challenges. Some have witnessed great loss - living in one of the most dangerous city's in our country. My very own back yard.
I am so impressed with the resolve these students have had in the face of adversity. As a result of their success they were recognized by Roland Williams and his team, the mayor of our city and the financial institution that I was lucky enough to represent at this event.
Kids who may not have had a Christmas left this event with flat screen t.v.'s, JORDAN SNEAKERS, selfie sticks, Champion Academy swag and COLD HARD CASH! With an opportunity to double their money - IF they chose to invest it into a savings account. (which is where my financial institution came into play)
It was fantastic to see the kids light up with excitement and gratitude.
This is #championliving
- daydreamer
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Shocked.
So I have had to re write this post a few times at this point, in order to find the most sensitive and meaningful way to address this.
I found out that my daughters 14 year old cousin is pregnant.
I have plenty of words to use to explain how I feel about this. But with respect to the fact that we are speaking of a minor I will try to be as gentle as possible.
Let me preface this with this this young lady has been in a state of crisis over this past year - her mother threw any form of family into the trash after ending a 15 year marriage with her husband and disbanding her 3 kids from all they have known. She went from boyfriend to boyfriend moving like a gypsy until her and her 3 kids moved back into the parents house.
So now Bittys grandparents are hosting both adult children and their off spring a total of 4 adults and 6 kids. (I call the house lovingly the open door mission) To say the least there is absolute chaos as of right now.
For identification purposes:
lets call the teen TIC (teen in crisis)
the mother FAL (failing at life)
paternal grandmother PGM
paternal grandfather PGF
TIC decided to start smoking over the summer - FAL and PGM were the ones supplying tobacco products to the TIC. We will call that strike ONE, further TIC was allowed to stay unsupervised over the BF's house - was not regularly attending school. Do I hear a strike TWO and THREE?!
-pause-
Why did all 4 of the adults in the house hold allow this to happen? Good question.
So, Bitty comes home giving me all the salacious details of TIC and FAL just struggling with life and of course I immediately urge her father to take notice and to restrict my daughter from spending time with the TIC. His response was typical in his ways of passiveness = "but they are cousins, what am I gunna do?"
Be a parent and say no. Say that the 6 years in age gap and the unhealthy life style makes it inappropriate for them to hang out. It wasn't until I gave an ultimatum that he decided to take action. Pretty much you say something - or I say something, and IF I have to say something my delivery may not be warm and fuzzy. The good news is that he has seen my latin temper and knows better than to let that happen.
This past Saturday I go to PGM's to pick up a few things that I had ordered and there was a distinct look of concern on her face so I sent bitty away to have an adult conversation and that is when she dropped this bomb that this just turned 14 year old little girl is pregnant. I was disgusted and nearly in tears. In disbelief that NO ONE prevented this. Educating her about sexual health, prevention and respecting her body. Further the fact that not one of the adults in her life advocated for her to stay on the right path, that they turned their head and looked the other way as she skipped school - that she had the opportunity to be alone long of enough with this boy enough times to actually get pregnant.
I advised that under no circumstance is this to be discussed with my 8 year old daughter.
To my disappointment her Bittys father already knew about it and didn't feel the need to let me know. Possibly because he knew that I would burst into apocalyptic flames and give him the I told you so speech on how Bitty and TIC should not have a "friendship" or "hang out"
All weekend it was the only thin on my brain, how they should be ashamed of themselves and how this little girls life is over before it even started. The success rates of teen moms and relationships surviving - is microscopic - its a up hill battle. She cant even work to earn money to pay for a child, she cant even provide for herself. Granted she has not had a strong role model in her life over the past few years, but I feel with full conviction that SOME ONE could have done SOMETHING, her parents, two sets grandparents, aunts and uncles, guidance counselors - his parents. ANY ONE for GODS SAKE.
Monday night I called bittys father to come top an agreement on how this whole side show would be handled. I asked him to control the time that Bitty interacts with FAL's other kids, especially with the holiday coming up I just am not ready to talk about this over such a magical time. His response in his typical passive ways:
"I cant."
Ok, well I guess I will just have to stop at your parents house and have that conversation myself. When I arrived PGM warned that FAL would get aggressive and that it may not be a good idea to talk to her buuuuuuuut - I have never backed from a good challenge and I turn in to a bit of a grizzly when it comes to my child.
The conversation was equivalent to talking to a dead fish. FAL was unimpacted by anything being said. She did not acknowledge the severity of the situation or respect my wishes for it to be privately handled. She then tells me that my 8 year old already knows that her 14 year old is pregnant. My face fell. and I was LIVID. I berated her on how irresponsible and disrespectful that was considering that she didn't find it important to let either of the 8 year olds parents know.
Her response was that she was busy.
You don't work, you aren't parenting.................what are you possibly so busy doing??!!
Bitty hasn't said anything to me yet. I think the questions will come up later when the TIC starts to show. But I just don't want her to see it.
I don't think that it is a healthy influence. and I will not settle for it.
but, that's just my petite perspective - what do I know?
- day dreamer
I found out that my daughters 14 year old cousin is pregnant.
I have plenty of words to use to explain how I feel about this. But with respect to the fact that we are speaking of a minor I will try to be as gentle as possible.
Let me preface this with this this young lady has been in a state of crisis over this past year - her mother threw any form of family into the trash after ending a 15 year marriage with her husband and disbanding her 3 kids from all they have known. She went from boyfriend to boyfriend moving like a gypsy until her and her 3 kids moved back into the parents house.
So now Bittys grandparents are hosting both adult children and their off spring a total of 4 adults and 6 kids. (I call the house lovingly the open door mission) To say the least there is absolute chaos as of right now.
For identification purposes:
lets call the teen TIC (teen in crisis)
the mother FAL (failing at life)
paternal grandmother PGM
paternal grandfather PGF
TIC decided to start smoking over the summer - FAL and PGM were the ones supplying tobacco products to the TIC. We will call that strike ONE, further TIC was allowed to stay unsupervised over the BF's house - was not regularly attending school. Do I hear a strike TWO and THREE?!
-pause-
Why did all 4 of the adults in the house hold allow this to happen? Good question.
So, Bitty comes home giving me all the salacious details of TIC and FAL just struggling with life and of course I immediately urge her father to take notice and to restrict my daughter from spending time with the TIC. His response was typical in his ways of passiveness = "but they are cousins, what am I gunna do?"
Be a parent and say no. Say that the 6 years in age gap and the unhealthy life style makes it inappropriate for them to hang out. It wasn't until I gave an ultimatum that he decided to take action. Pretty much you say something - or I say something, and IF I have to say something my delivery may not be warm and fuzzy. The good news is that he has seen my latin temper and knows better than to let that happen.
This past Saturday I go to PGM's to pick up a few things that I had ordered and there was a distinct look of concern on her face so I sent bitty away to have an adult conversation and that is when she dropped this bomb that this just turned 14 year old little girl is pregnant. I was disgusted and nearly in tears. In disbelief that NO ONE prevented this. Educating her about sexual health, prevention and respecting her body. Further the fact that not one of the adults in her life advocated for her to stay on the right path, that they turned their head and looked the other way as she skipped school - that she had the opportunity to be alone long of enough with this boy enough times to actually get pregnant.
I advised that under no circumstance is this to be discussed with my 8 year old daughter.
To my disappointment her Bittys father already knew about it and didn't feel the need to let me know. Possibly because he knew that I would burst into apocalyptic flames and give him the I told you so speech on how Bitty and TIC should not have a "friendship" or "hang out"
All weekend it was the only thin on my brain, how they should be ashamed of themselves and how this little girls life is over before it even started. The success rates of teen moms and relationships surviving - is microscopic - its a up hill battle. She cant even work to earn money to pay for a child, she cant even provide for herself. Granted she has not had a strong role model in her life over the past few years, but I feel with full conviction that SOME ONE could have done SOMETHING, her parents, two sets grandparents, aunts and uncles, guidance counselors - his parents. ANY ONE for GODS SAKE.
Monday night I called bittys father to come top an agreement on how this whole side show would be handled. I asked him to control the time that Bitty interacts with FAL's other kids, especially with the holiday coming up I just am not ready to talk about this over such a magical time. His response in his typical passive ways:
"I cant."
Ok, well I guess I will just have to stop at your parents house and have that conversation myself. When I arrived PGM warned that FAL would get aggressive and that it may not be a good idea to talk to her buuuuuuuut - I have never backed from a good challenge and I turn in to a bit of a grizzly when it comes to my child.
The conversation was equivalent to talking to a dead fish. FAL was unimpacted by anything being said. She did not acknowledge the severity of the situation or respect my wishes for it to be privately handled. She then tells me that my 8 year old already knows that her 14 year old is pregnant. My face fell. and I was LIVID. I berated her on how irresponsible and disrespectful that was considering that she didn't find it important to let either of the 8 year olds parents know.
Her response was that she was busy.
You don't work, you aren't parenting.................what are you possibly so busy doing??!!
Bitty hasn't said anything to me yet. I think the questions will come up later when the TIC starts to show. But I just don't want her to see it.
I don't think that it is a healthy influence. and I will not settle for it.
but, that's just my petite perspective - what do I know?
- day dreamer
Friday, December 18, 2015
Tough Job
To the single moms in the world:
You rock.
To the single dads in the world:
You rock.
There is something to be said about people who don't quit. Who rally to become their own team. Raising children is hard. Doing it on your own is even harder. Parents separate for many reasons - sometimes its for safety, loss of love, loss of fight and sometimes its the loss of life.
My daughter has never known her father and I together - she was just about to turn one when we loss the will to fight. Nothing was really wrong, and yet nothing was really right. We just didn't want to do it anymore. So, I moved out and started living my own life with this rambunctious little girl who I am so blessed to be able to cherish as MINE.
Custody can be ugly - I tell you - family court is no vacation in the sand ........... unless its in the middle east and there is a sandstorm, its a vacation like that I guess. My experience was no exception to that. We battled. There was plenty of squawking between the two parties. I only lost my temper a couple of times. In the court room we were all cool calm and collected - but thanks to my diligence and my conviction for what was right for my daughter - I was awarded SOLE CUSTODY.
How?
The State of New York has strict regulation on Nomenclature. No other adult other than the natural or adoptive parent can be referred to as either "mommy, mom, mother" or "daddy, dad, father"
further, it is not in the best interest of the child to have images posted with out consent on social media. Lastly, the State of New York will assign a Law Guardian to the child that will represent the best interest of the child by interviewing all parties and observing them in their natural environments.
Things they will take in consideration is the living arrangements, life choices, emotional surroundings. If when interviewing your spouse they say something like "I should have never married him, I don't feel the love" That can negatively impact the image of what the child's life might be like while in your care.
So after about 6 months of court - interviews, testimonies, evidence - I was awarded - what New York State defined as the best interest of the child. 100% sole custody.
In my opinion is where he went wrong was not fighting. That's actually what separated us in the first place if you remember. He saw no issue with the path that he was on - but i knew it was a ticking time bomb, and some day it would explode. I just refused to let my daughter be a part of it. And it did - he and his wife split just after their daughter turned one - they fought all of the time........it was a crazy time. What I found as most bothersome is after I was awarded custody, this man calls me and forfeits a day of visitation. Although I was happy to have MORE time with her, it was a new level of disappointment on his behalf. I couldn't understand what the motive would have been to give up another day. But I took it and coveted it.
If it wasn't for my partner at the time, I probably would have totally lost the whole thing by not keeping my cool and trying to be mature. I turn into a grizzly bear when some one rattles my cage about my baby. I am incredibly protective and fiercely loyal to my responsibilities as her mother. There were moments when I was called every name under the sun to be provoked by the wife. Accused of everything and the ugliest of things. I as a ill informed teen - probably would have went Street Fighter on her. But thankfully I had some one in my ear - "maybe you don't want to say it like that" "maybe you shouldn't even respond"
With the support of my partner I was able to avoid blowing my lid and probably prevented an actual criminal record.
Now after ending my engagement - I am back in the single parent boat. Life is different now there are so many new and demanding requirements. Its fun in a I am exhausted falling asleep sitting up fun way. Just kidding. Bitty (daughter) isn't a toddler anymore. She can be expressive about her feelings and communicate and question ALMOST EVERYTHING. While I know it is particularly tough for my former fiance - I am so grateful to have this time with her. Shes smart - and funny - curious about everything. We talk a lot about what ails her, or how she understands the world around her. Its beautiful and I hope that it stays the same as she grows into an ill informed teen. (smiling)
I may be a single parent, and a lot of times I don't even know if I am doing a good job at it - but I have so much to celebrate in that little girls life. She is the center of my universe.
To the parents out there, struggling to make ends me, to balance all of your roles - to trying to make sure you don't screw your kids up...........you really are doing a good job, half the battle is feeling it and caring about it. The rest works itself out over time. At least that is what I am telling myself.
~ Day Dreamer
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