Pain

There is a new writing challenge I have decided to take on. Are you ready to come with me?

Lets talk about PAIN.

Memories quickly flood my brain from the first skinned knee to the first loss suffered by a fragile heart. Pain is an incredible phenomenon there are different thresholds that the body and mind can take.

My pain was a part of my identity for a very long time. It shaped how I viewed myself and the world around me. The mental strain of being a child of sexual trauma - dysfunctional family settings, broken relationships - abuse and chemical dependency was all a part of my "pain" one related to the other. I stopped being a prisoner of my pain and started the process of healing those old emotional wounds.

Only the people closest to me were able to sense the traces of the girl of the past. 

What was I holding on to for so long? The disappointment of not feeling ever "good enough" not reaching the potential of what others had set as expectations for myself? Not getting the gratification of being loved unconditionally and accepted for who I was in my "onliness" I am the only me. Not perfect, Just. Me.

When I learned to let go of that, I began to experience freedom. I was able to lift the pressure from my chest - the spinning in my head slowed. My heart was no longer heavy.

Its not a permanent fix, there will be additional bouts of pain - but the resilience of the human spirit comes from true work, processing and commitment to freedom.

In my adolescent years the idea of self mutilation was something that I played and experimented with over the years. I was in an abusive relationship and chemically dependent on many different substances. My high school boyfriend would fight - physically hurting each other and to cope with the emotional damage I would then cause myself wounds and watch the blood leak from my body.

Physical pain is easier to endure and process - it makes sense you can see it touch it feel it - cause and effect. Emotional damages are a bit harder to process because it causes you to think out of self - and logically about what is happening in the world around you. It took me so many years to be able to process healthy and constructive growth.

The greatest gift that I gave myself was the ability to not need to numb out - pain. To feel it, understand it - learn and grow from it.

Pain is just a reminder, that you are still alive.

~daydreamer