Now that I have dusted off my shoulder and returned to the normal maturity of a 30 something mother, with a deep relieving sigh - I acknowledge the NEW DAY!
Today I will be working on the PDF version of my budget plan - then I am going to see how to attach it to the post. I know with me saying this it sounds like I have no idea what I am doing as a blogger, but I assure I absolutely do NOT.........I am just winging it.
If at any point any of my readers want to shoot me an email with some suggestions, feedback or private comments: pllllleeease DO!
alphaqueen911@gmail.com
Talk soon!
~day dreamer
Behind
Friday, January 15, 2016
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Silver Tongues
Good Afternoon - this may be a vent session but please take alert - it is also a warning to all parents. Single moms and dads - or parental units that still work as a team.
You have all began to read about the challenges that I am beginning to have as a split parent and this challenge is really coming to a head as of late.
The shenanigans with Mr. Paternity continue. I had to rescue my daughter from his parents house Monday night after returning from the gym. She had called me while I was walking my dog, as I had entered my house I was able to catch the last call. When I answered she was hysterically crying begging me to come home. I was able to get her to calm down by speaking gently and doing a series of breathing exercises that I have done with her since she was little, usually after an injury.
I asked the normal triage questions, did something happen? Whats making your heart hurt? etc. What it boiled down to was - she didn't want to be there and needed me. I was going to talk her through that but after her father grabbed the phone and started to bark at me about how "This was becoming an issue" and "She is waking the boys up" it was clear what I needed to do. I asked for the bitty to be put back on the phone and the last straw was when he barked at her - demanding her to tell me to come pick her up. I said dont you worry about a thing, I will be there in 2 minutes. Hopped in my car and headed over.
After parking my car I began to walk up to the garage, as I made it to the threshold - the door opened and out came my daughter in a t-shirt, boots and jacket wide open. I just about boiled over. Notice that I did not mention........PANTS...... her father had her in 17 degree weather with no pants on. This is where the silver tongue may have really got warmed up.
I hurried the bitty to the car and began to feel the anger rising in me. First of all its 9pm and I had to come pick up my daughter on YOUR time because you weren't able to calm her down. Then you send her outside in 17 degree weather with out being dressed appropriately. Unacceptable.
I got home, she was sound asleep with in minutes and I grabbed my phone and let the silver tongue flow. I for what ever reason could not hold back. Although I dont know exactly the reasons why I couldn't hold back. It probably had a lot to do with how court went and how my daughter has been feeling and now is just clear ignorance to everything around him - yeah that was probably it.
So we said what we said, did what we did and moved on it settled for a brief 24hrs or so. Not even, really - when I think about it.
I drove my daughter to school in the am - I encouraged her to talk to her father again about the concerns that she had, I explained to her that it was important for her to express how she was feeling. She at first made an excuse for him along the lines of, he is too busy to talk, I don't want to hurt his feelings etc. The light bulb went off in my head and I offered to be there to support her so she could feel empowered to voice her opinion and really be heard.
When she agreed I told her to tell her dad that she wanted to talk tonight. That was how we left it - with a kiss and well wishes for the day. So when it was time for her to come home about 10 minutes before I sent a reminder text that she would like to have a conversation tonight and to please make time. No sooner did my daughter get out of the car did he tear ass out of my driveway. So I called.
Remember how passive I said he was.
Me: Where are you going? Didn't you get my text?
Him: What text.
insert that emoji with the rolling eyes..........(I was unimpressed - because I knew, he knew exactly what i was talking about - yet I entertained the stupid)
Me: I told you she wanted to talk to you tonight, can you make it a priority? Please turn around and come back
Him: She can talk to me Sunday, I don't feel comfortable with having to go into your house.
Me: Ok, that is your choice but she has expressed wanting to do it with me present - so if you cant do this for her - you will have to own it
We hung up the phone, and although I wasn't surprised - it seems as if he never ceases to disappoint me. My daughter asked if he was coming back and I explained that he wasn't that he had something he needed to do. And she actually asked me to call him herself and ask him to come back. This kid is 8. She is trying to be assertive and respectively vocal about what she needs - I commend her, I know at 8 I didn't have that courage.
So she sat there practically begging him to come back. And he still said no. I dried her tears and tucked her in the bed making sure to acknowledge and commend her strength. When I passed by the message board in my living room there was a message to her father:
Dear dad,
If you don't talk to me
I am not sleeping over
love,
bitty
I had to sit there for a minute and think about the place she had to be in when she wrote that and understand what she was possibly feeling. And the boiling anger surfaced again - I sent him a picture of the message and of course he thinks I put her up to it, and that I get some sick joy out of driving them from each other.
We continued to chew at each other for an hour - like two rabid wolves that had the first taste of blood. I was a loser part time working college student shaking him down for more money. He was the guy who lives at home with his parents, 3 kids by 2 different people still married but has a girlfriend - who only has to parent about 18 hrs a week......but I sarcastically agreed that YES I WAS THE LOSER. For owning my own home and continuing my education and taking incredible care of my daughter on 18k a year after taxes and deductions (health ins, 401 etc)
We got down and dirty with the jabs at each other - but every time that i tried to circle back to the real issue, that my daughter needed more from him.....more than a cheap toy from 5below, or burger from Dairy Queen. She needs time and attention and conversation. His response was: I have three kids to take care of, you have it easy, you don't understand or care etc.
When he says things like that it sounds like the mother from Peanuts. I don't feel bad for him. You can not slight one child to take care of the rest. AND if you were not willing to do what ever it takes for those children - then you should have thought about that - we all had the same health class - we know what happens...........and how you can prevent it (no matter which side of the issue you stand)
I don't have any other children, and I probably will never have another. I made the choice to never risk having to raise another child in a split parenting lifestyle. That is my choice. And yes - I get sassy with him because of his choice - but I get things happen - every ones story is different. But my perspective is children don't get to choose their destiny, and it is hard for the children who have to go between two houses or don't even have that chance because the other person isn't in the picture, so I choose for my life to not let that happen. I choose to focus on the one I have - she is pretty great anyway.
Parents! We have got to be attentive, proactive and responsive with our children. When we do that - we can raise well rounded, well adjusted and confident children that wont fall victim to statistics. Lets agree to do what ever it takes to make it work. Lets choose our children first. Lets set the example of what parenting should be. And I will tell you - it IS different in every house - I know that. BUT we are a global community and it is scary trying to raise kids these days, now more than ever children need OUR BEST every single day...............drops mic, walks away
~day dreamer
You have all began to read about the challenges that I am beginning to have as a split parent and this challenge is really coming to a head as of late.
The shenanigans with Mr. Paternity continue. I had to rescue my daughter from his parents house Monday night after returning from the gym. She had called me while I was walking my dog, as I had entered my house I was able to catch the last call. When I answered she was hysterically crying begging me to come home. I was able to get her to calm down by speaking gently and doing a series of breathing exercises that I have done with her since she was little, usually after an injury.
I asked the normal triage questions, did something happen? Whats making your heart hurt? etc. What it boiled down to was - she didn't want to be there and needed me. I was going to talk her through that but after her father grabbed the phone and started to bark at me about how "This was becoming an issue" and "She is waking the boys up" it was clear what I needed to do. I asked for the bitty to be put back on the phone and the last straw was when he barked at her - demanding her to tell me to come pick her up. I said dont you worry about a thing, I will be there in 2 minutes. Hopped in my car and headed over.
After parking my car I began to walk up to the garage, as I made it to the threshold - the door opened and out came my daughter in a t-shirt, boots and jacket wide open. I just about boiled over. Notice that I did not mention........PANTS...... her father had her in 17 degree weather with no pants on. This is where the silver tongue may have really got warmed up.
I hurried the bitty to the car and began to feel the anger rising in me. First of all its 9pm and I had to come pick up my daughter on YOUR time because you weren't able to calm her down. Then you send her outside in 17 degree weather with out being dressed appropriately. Unacceptable.
I got home, she was sound asleep with in minutes and I grabbed my phone and let the silver tongue flow. I for what ever reason could not hold back. Although I dont know exactly the reasons why I couldn't hold back. It probably had a lot to do with how court went and how my daughter has been feeling and now is just clear ignorance to everything around him - yeah that was probably it.
So we said what we said, did what we did and moved on it settled for a brief 24hrs or so. Not even, really - when I think about it.
I drove my daughter to school in the am - I encouraged her to talk to her father again about the concerns that she had, I explained to her that it was important for her to express how she was feeling. She at first made an excuse for him along the lines of, he is too busy to talk, I don't want to hurt his feelings etc. The light bulb went off in my head and I offered to be there to support her so she could feel empowered to voice her opinion and really be heard.
When she agreed I told her to tell her dad that she wanted to talk tonight. That was how we left it - with a kiss and well wishes for the day. So when it was time for her to come home about 10 minutes before I sent a reminder text that she would like to have a conversation tonight and to please make time. No sooner did my daughter get out of the car did he tear ass out of my driveway. So I called.
Remember how passive I said he was.
Me: Where are you going? Didn't you get my text?
Him: What text.
insert that emoji with the rolling eyes..........(I was unimpressed - because I knew, he knew exactly what i was talking about - yet I entertained the stupid)
Me: I told you she wanted to talk to you tonight, can you make it a priority? Please turn around and come back
Him: She can talk to me Sunday, I don't feel comfortable with having to go into your house.
Me: Ok, that is your choice but she has expressed wanting to do it with me present - so if you cant do this for her - you will have to own it
We hung up the phone, and although I wasn't surprised - it seems as if he never ceases to disappoint me. My daughter asked if he was coming back and I explained that he wasn't that he had something he needed to do. And she actually asked me to call him herself and ask him to come back. This kid is 8. She is trying to be assertive and respectively vocal about what she needs - I commend her, I know at 8 I didn't have that courage.
So she sat there practically begging him to come back. And he still said no. I dried her tears and tucked her in the bed making sure to acknowledge and commend her strength. When I passed by the message board in my living room there was a message to her father:
Dear dad,
If you don't talk to me
I am not sleeping over
love,
bitty
I had to sit there for a minute and think about the place she had to be in when she wrote that and understand what she was possibly feeling. And the boiling anger surfaced again - I sent him a picture of the message and of course he thinks I put her up to it, and that I get some sick joy out of driving them from each other.
We continued to chew at each other for an hour - like two rabid wolves that had the first taste of blood. I was a loser part time working college student shaking him down for more money. He was the guy who lives at home with his parents, 3 kids by 2 different people still married but has a girlfriend - who only has to parent about 18 hrs a week......but I sarcastically agreed that YES I WAS THE LOSER. For owning my own home and continuing my education and taking incredible care of my daughter on 18k a year after taxes and deductions (health ins, 401 etc)
We got down and dirty with the jabs at each other - but every time that i tried to circle back to the real issue, that my daughter needed more from him.....more than a cheap toy from 5below, or burger from Dairy Queen. She needs time and attention and conversation. His response was: I have three kids to take care of, you have it easy, you don't understand or care etc.
When he says things like that it sounds like the mother from Peanuts. I don't feel bad for him. You can not slight one child to take care of the rest. AND if you were not willing to do what ever it takes for those children - then you should have thought about that - we all had the same health class - we know what happens...........and how you can prevent it (no matter which side of the issue you stand)
I don't have any other children, and I probably will never have another. I made the choice to never risk having to raise another child in a split parenting lifestyle. That is my choice. And yes - I get sassy with him because of his choice - but I get things happen - every ones story is different. But my perspective is children don't get to choose their destiny, and it is hard for the children who have to go between two houses or don't even have that chance because the other person isn't in the picture, so I choose for my life to not let that happen. I choose to focus on the one I have - she is pretty great anyway.
Parents! We have got to be attentive, proactive and responsive with our children. When we do that - we can raise well rounded, well adjusted and confident children that wont fall victim to statistics. Lets agree to do what ever it takes to make it work. Lets choose our children first. Lets set the example of what parenting should be. And I will tell you - it IS different in every house - I know that. BUT we are a global community and it is scary trying to raise kids these days, now more than ever children need OUR BEST every single day...............drops mic, walks away
~day dreamer
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Housekeeping!
Today was one of those deep cleaning house keeping days. I think because of all the crazy last week that my soul needed some NEW. When I woke up at 8 am (slept in) I a steaming hot cup of coffee, walked the rescue pup in our very mild January air. After my second cup of coffee my jets were running and I set out to spend the next 5 hours vacuuming, wiping, dusting, moving - lifting, sifting - fluffing, folding and hanging.
At one point I laughed at myself on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor and said - Welp, there you have it - the sexy is gone..........laughed a little harder and said - no WAAAYY nothing is sexier than a CLEAN HOUSE! Wax on, Wax off!
After giving the update for 2016 I tried to create the other pages that I talked about and found that it wasn't exactly what I had expected. I am working on a solution for what I want to do. I was hoping to be able to have the sub pages with specific topics listed on the homepage of my blog but unfortunately that was not exactly what was happening. Being a newbie I am sure with in a few weeks I may be able to figure it out and be in good shape.
If YOU guys know how to do it and care to share I would be very very grateful.
Any who I am working on my budget tonight, or lack there of. I know a lot of people are really personal with their finances but I am going to air mine out. In hopes that some one who thinks that there is no way THEY can do it - can see that YES it can be done. Not always the "right" or "easy" way - but accomplished none the less.......with that said - let me get at it!!
Talk soon!
~day dreamer
At one point I laughed at myself on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor and said - Welp, there you have it - the sexy is gone..........laughed a little harder and said - no WAAAYY nothing is sexier than a CLEAN HOUSE! Wax on, Wax off!
After giving the update for 2016 I tried to create the other pages that I talked about and found that it wasn't exactly what I had expected. I am working on a solution for what I want to do. I was hoping to be able to have the sub pages with specific topics listed on the homepage of my blog but unfortunately that was not exactly what was happening. Being a newbie I am sure with in a few weeks I may be able to figure it out and be in good shape.
If YOU guys know how to do it and care to share I would be very very grateful.
Any who I am working on my budget tonight, or lack there of. I know a lot of people are really personal with their finances but I am going to air mine out. In hopes that some one who thinks that there is no way THEY can do it - can see that YES it can be done. Not always the "right" or "easy" way - but accomplished none the less.......with that said - let me get at it!!
Talk soon!
~day dreamer
Friday, January 8, 2016
Head Scratcher
I spent tuesday at family court with my daughters father. I have been in my home for 7 months on a single income. Over the summer I requested just $10-15 dollars more a week in child support to help with expenses. He conveniently said no.
Putting the matter on the back burner, I did the best I could with what I had, used my credit cards as necessary - cut each penny into little 4 sections and stretched them as far as I could. In November I realized that I truly needed just a little more help from him. I didn't have my former spouse to help me anymore. After a conversation with the court deputy I decided to file for an addendum to our support order.
She opened my eyes to the gaps in my case. I was exasperated.
At my highest income I made 47% more than I make right now. Maybe you want to know why I would leave such a good paying job........I never saw my family. I was a retail store manager and worker 60 hours a week. My daughter was growing up and I was missing all of it. I decided to take a position with a highly respected company, and accepted that I would make significantly less. What I was gaining though you just cant put a dollar sign on.
Then I took on the task of separating from my spouse and becoming a single mother again. My company offers 401k and pension from day one, healthcare and life insurance from DAY ONE. Looking at the overall compensation package it made better sense long term for me. Buying a home saved me well over $400 a month versus renting. Please trust that I did not shoot the gun before loading the bullets.
Bitty's father makes $78,897 annually. to offer some perspective it is 4x's as much as I actually bring home after taxes and deductions (401, hsa, etc) I sped to that sooner than I wanted to. Lets rewind.
After parking in the Hall of Justice I walked nervously through the garage and to the elevators. Once you get into the atrium you can smell the stench of urine and body odor. Getting into the line to go through security you are in a sea of people. Some are speaking to their attorneys or their entourage of support. To the right you can see inmates lined up shackled at their ankles and hips - marshalls flanking them on either side.
I am familiar with the process so I make sure to come in with next to nothing. Just my required documents and some valid ID. Listening to people complain about taking off their belts and hats and what they are going to after this "bullshit" I stood stiffly in my business attire and modest heels. Feeling as if I was in a foreign country. Making it through security I thanked the officers and grabbed my file heading to the second floor. I made sure to collect the last bit of information and sat in the bench by the courtroom.
Our case was the first called and we sat in the same places in front of the same judge as we had 7 years ago. My heart beat was so loud you could probably had the stenographer document the sounds. The judge dryly reviewed the case and grounds. She requested our income statements and financial affidavits, I kept a straight and blank expression smiling only when appropriate and finishing every answer with a yes ma'am.
I answered my income questions with confidence, my hourly rate and 32hrs worked a week. When the judged asked why I wasn't working 40 hrs a week I explained that I was a student and that I also needed to be able to care for my daughter. She asked about healthcare coverage - and I had to prove that my daughter was covered under my plan. That was the button that turned the heat on her father.
"Mr. Paternity, you were granted a variance on the prior order - but it was stipulated that you maintain health care for the child - is the child covered as part of your plan currently?" asked judge.
"Well no, without my knowledge my daughter was removed from under my healthcare in 2014"
"And how exactly do you think that happened sir?"
"Probably her mother removed her!" he stated.
My head just about snapped off of my shoulders and I glared in his direction. The good thing is that I didn't even have to say anything because the judge quickly shot down his ridiculous claim. It is not possible for me to cancel someone else's policy. I reserved the fact that he called me in 2011 and told me he could no longer afford Bittys insurance so I put her on my plan - I was making 50k annually and I could afford it. $365 every two weeks. YOU DO THE MATH!
After the health insurance cluster they read his financial statement. As they read his income, my heart sunk with every number.
"Mr. Paternity as of your paycheck on 12/12/15 you made $78,897 this year"
This man has Boo-Hoo cried over not having any money to live, he lives with his parents and see's his children 24 hrs a week.............HOW?!
I am over here trying to pay my mortgage, car payment, utilities, garbage, water, insurance, fuel, food, daycare on one quarter of his income. My daughter is well cared for, well loved and has an amazing life no matter how complicated it is. I in some naive mind wished that he could just be thankful that his daughter has a nice home, room and never goes with out. I wished he would thank me for doing such a great job raising a well rounded, smart and creative soul. Instead he complains - about how terrible HIS life is. How little HE has.
I just cant stomach it. It doesn't make sense to me. And I feel foolish for putting weight into things that he has told me in the past, how he only acts with integrity - etc. Yet he lied straight to the judge and for years to me over the phone or in passing conversation.
Because Mr. Paternity had a snarky comment after everything the judge had to say, she recommended that he consult and attorney and invited him to trial in February. I allowed him a 37 second head start leaving the court room because I knew I couldn't even stand the sight of him. Since then I have had trouble sleeping because I was starting to feel like I was failing. That I was being irresponsible with my funds or assets - but I really am doing the best that I can with what I have.
I could get a second job, and I have thought about it - but then I risk what I tried to avoid in the beginning putting a company before my daughter. I promised her that it would never happen again, and I mean it. I will figure it out. Probably the hard way - but I will, I always do.
~daydreamer
Putting the matter on the back burner, I did the best I could with what I had, used my credit cards as necessary - cut each penny into little 4 sections and stretched them as far as I could. In November I realized that I truly needed just a little more help from him. I didn't have my former spouse to help me anymore. After a conversation with the court deputy I decided to file for an addendum to our support order.
She opened my eyes to the gaps in my case. I was exasperated.
At my highest income I made 47% more than I make right now. Maybe you want to know why I would leave such a good paying job........I never saw my family. I was a retail store manager and worker 60 hours a week. My daughter was growing up and I was missing all of it. I decided to take a position with a highly respected company, and accepted that I would make significantly less. What I was gaining though you just cant put a dollar sign on.
Then I took on the task of separating from my spouse and becoming a single mother again. My company offers 401k and pension from day one, healthcare and life insurance from DAY ONE. Looking at the overall compensation package it made better sense long term for me. Buying a home saved me well over $400 a month versus renting. Please trust that I did not shoot the gun before loading the bullets.
Bitty's father makes $78,897 annually. to offer some perspective it is 4x's as much as I actually bring home after taxes and deductions (401, hsa, etc) I sped to that sooner than I wanted to. Lets rewind.
After parking in the Hall of Justice I walked nervously through the garage and to the elevators. Once you get into the atrium you can smell the stench of urine and body odor. Getting into the line to go through security you are in a sea of people. Some are speaking to their attorneys or their entourage of support. To the right you can see inmates lined up shackled at their ankles and hips - marshalls flanking them on either side.
I am familiar with the process so I make sure to come in with next to nothing. Just my required documents and some valid ID. Listening to people complain about taking off their belts and hats and what they are going to after this "bullshit" I stood stiffly in my business attire and modest heels. Feeling as if I was in a foreign country. Making it through security I thanked the officers and grabbed my file heading to the second floor. I made sure to collect the last bit of information and sat in the bench by the courtroom.
Our case was the first called and we sat in the same places in front of the same judge as we had 7 years ago. My heart beat was so loud you could probably had the stenographer document the sounds. The judge dryly reviewed the case and grounds. She requested our income statements and financial affidavits, I kept a straight and blank expression smiling only when appropriate and finishing every answer with a yes ma'am.
I answered my income questions with confidence, my hourly rate and 32hrs worked a week. When the judged asked why I wasn't working 40 hrs a week I explained that I was a student and that I also needed to be able to care for my daughter. She asked about healthcare coverage - and I had to prove that my daughter was covered under my plan. That was the button that turned the heat on her father.
"Mr. Paternity, you were granted a variance on the prior order - but it was stipulated that you maintain health care for the child - is the child covered as part of your plan currently?" asked judge.
"Well no, without my knowledge my daughter was removed from under my healthcare in 2014"
"And how exactly do you think that happened sir?"
"Probably her mother removed her!" he stated.
My head just about snapped off of my shoulders and I glared in his direction. The good thing is that I didn't even have to say anything because the judge quickly shot down his ridiculous claim. It is not possible for me to cancel someone else's policy. I reserved the fact that he called me in 2011 and told me he could no longer afford Bittys insurance so I put her on my plan - I was making 50k annually and I could afford it. $365 every two weeks. YOU DO THE MATH!
After the health insurance cluster they read his financial statement. As they read his income, my heart sunk with every number.
"Mr. Paternity as of your paycheck on 12/12/15 you made $78,897 this year"
This man has Boo-Hoo cried over not having any money to live, he lives with his parents and see's his children 24 hrs a week.............HOW?!
I am over here trying to pay my mortgage, car payment, utilities, garbage, water, insurance, fuel, food, daycare on one quarter of his income. My daughter is well cared for, well loved and has an amazing life no matter how complicated it is. I in some naive mind wished that he could just be thankful that his daughter has a nice home, room and never goes with out. I wished he would thank me for doing such a great job raising a well rounded, smart and creative soul. Instead he complains - about how terrible HIS life is. How little HE has.
I just cant stomach it. It doesn't make sense to me. And I feel foolish for putting weight into things that he has told me in the past, how he only acts with integrity - etc. Yet he lied straight to the judge and for years to me over the phone or in passing conversation.
Because Mr. Paternity had a snarky comment after everything the judge had to say, she recommended that he consult and attorney and invited him to trial in February. I allowed him a 37 second head start leaving the court room because I knew I couldn't even stand the sight of him. Since then I have had trouble sleeping because I was starting to feel like I was failing. That I was being irresponsible with my funds or assets - but I really am doing the best that I can with what I have.
I could get a second job, and I have thought about it - but then I risk what I tried to avoid in the beginning putting a company before my daughter. I promised her that it would never happen again, and I mean it. I will figure it out. Probably the hard way - but I will, I always do.
~daydreamer
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Relationship with Me.
I wonder what first made you click on the title. Was it that you were interested in what it was like to be in a relationship with me. Read about the faults and missteps that I have taken along the way........we haven't gotten there yet. This post is about my desire to have a relationship with myself.
In previous posts I have eluded to what this whole concept just might mean. I am hoping to find the courage to put it in words for you all tonight.
I was reading an article not too long ago (meaning probably close to a year) and it asked the readers to do an exercise that really brought a huge issue to the front of mind for myself and presumably, everyone else who successfully completed the task.
Name the top 10 people you love. Go ahead, don't think its stupid - just do it. Write it down if you are a visual person. I can wait, take your time. 10 people you love. Read the list a couple of times, make sure you ACTUALLY love the people on your list, not just like a lot. Just kidding. oh, but don't exclude some one you might be currently feuding with it being the holidays and all I am sure there was a dinner table or two that may have gotten a little awkward.......you know you still love them too.
So where did YOU end up on that list. If you placed your self in the top 5 - right on! Bottom 5 - ok! However, what do you think it means if you didn't put your own name in the category of people you love. For starters I can tell you - your not alone. You are part of a large group of people including myself, who are so consumed in being care takers, order takers, deadline makers that we don't remember to think about ourselves. You could probably argue with a shoulder shrug and maybe a wrinkle of your forehead that pfft. "yeah, of course I love myself" Really hear me out on this.
We tell our children, our spouses, family members and dear friends - I love you.
When was the last time you told yourself the same, with out feeling stupid. Can you count on one hand? Maybe 2? Seriously - we make everyone around us feel so good for hearing that yet we refrain from telling ourselves the same. This is what happened to me, my Ahhhh haaaaaah moment.
My answers : I didn't put myself on the love list and I had actually never told myself or even felt that I loved myself.
Like a lot of people I sought the love from external sources. Men, (cough, cough - sniffle) .....................women.................drugs and alcohol. We will talk about the slider in another post. All of those things provided temporary fixes. Euphoric lust, love and psychedelic rides. The good news is by age 20 I stopped doing drugs - but I drank like a fish often. I threw my towel in for the temporary fixes and forced myself to work towards what was real progress and growth. I sobered my mind completely and started breaking down my walls brick by brick.
The desire was to be able to look in the mirror and love the reflection - not just the skin and hair - but the soul inside.
I have done A LOT of wrong in my time, I needed to learn to see myself in not the mistakes of my past but in the light of my future. On my path from ill informed teen, to on my own at 16, through 5 years of a toxic and abusive relationship, to motherhood, to single mom, to engaged, to single mom again.........at 30 I looked in the mirror and said -
"Who the hell are you!?!"
Once you strip the titles off, who are you? Beyond being the mother, lover, ex, sister, wife, employee, friend..................who are YOU?
I had no idea. I knew what I wasn't, I knew who I didn't want to be - but in all these years I had never thought about it in this context. The concept both frightened and excited me. I set out to figure it out. And I am about 7 months into this process. I took what is concrete (my daughter) and we began this journey together.
So far I have learned that I enjoy being alone, reading, cooking and working out. I enjoy doing things socially that I would have only done drunk before like parties, weddings etc. I take my mental health and physical wellness so seriously! My nose used to snub tea, now? I have 7 different types in my kitchen.
12-15 years ago I would only paint while high, creating art through tragedy and sadness. Now I am able to pick up the brush and paint from my soul.
I am learning to be in a relationship with myself - to find the love with in, instead of externally. With this power will come a confidence to continue to grow and maybe eventually fall in love again. There is a reason why during flights they always tell you to put your mask on first, then tend to those around you. Because even the flight attendants know you have to take care of yourself first before you can serve others.
That is true in all areas of your life, if your good - we are all good.
So take some time, grow with me - learn to be in a relationship with yourself - and you will deepen your relationships with others as a result.
In previous posts I have eluded to what this whole concept just might mean. I am hoping to find the courage to put it in words for you all tonight.
I was reading an article not too long ago (meaning probably close to a year) and it asked the readers to do an exercise that really brought a huge issue to the front of mind for myself and presumably, everyone else who successfully completed the task.
Name the top 10 people you love. Go ahead, don't think its stupid - just do it. Write it down if you are a visual person. I can wait, take your time. 10 people you love. Read the list a couple of times, make sure you ACTUALLY love the people on your list, not just like a lot. Just kidding. oh, but don't exclude some one you might be currently feuding with it being the holidays and all I am sure there was a dinner table or two that may have gotten a little awkward.......you know you still love them too.
So where did YOU end up on that list. If you placed your self in the top 5 - right on! Bottom 5 - ok! However, what do you think it means if you didn't put your own name in the category of people you love. For starters I can tell you - your not alone. You are part of a large group of people including myself, who are so consumed in being care takers, order takers, deadline makers that we don't remember to think about ourselves. You could probably argue with a shoulder shrug and maybe a wrinkle of your forehead that pfft. "yeah, of course I love myself" Really hear me out on this.
We tell our children, our spouses, family members and dear friends - I love you.
When was the last time you told yourself the same, with out feeling stupid. Can you count on one hand? Maybe 2? Seriously - we make everyone around us feel so good for hearing that yet we refrain from telling ourselves the same. This is what happened to me, my Ahhhh haaaaaah moment.
My answers : I didn't put myself on the love list and I had actually never told myself or even felt that I loved myself.
Like a lot of people I sought the love from external sources. Men, (cough, cough - sniffle) .....................women.................drugs and alcohol. We will talk about the slider in another post. All of those things provided temporary fixes. Euphoric lust, love and psychedelic rides. The good news is by age 20 I stopped doing drugs - but I drank like a fish often. I threw my towel in for the temporary fixes and forced myself to work towards what was real progress and growth. I sobered my mind completely and started breaking down my walls brick by brick.
The desire was to be able to look in the mirror and love the reflection - not just the skin and hair - but the soul inside.
I have done A LOT of wrong in my time, I needed to learn to see myself in not the mistakes of my past but in the light of my future. On my path from ill informed teen, to on my own at 16, through 5 years of a toxic and abusive relationship, to motherhood, to single mom, to engaged, to single mom again.........at 30 I looked in the mirror and said -
"Who the hell are you!?!"
Once you strip the titles off, who are you? Beyond being the mother, lover, ex, sister, wife, employee, friend..................who are YOU?
I had no idea. I knew what I wasn't, I knew who I didn't want to be - but in all these years I had never thought about it in this context. The concept both frightened and excited me. I set out to figure it out. And I am about 7 months into this process. I took what is concrete (my daughter) and we began this journey together.
So far I have learned that I enjoy being alone, reading, cooking and working out. I enjoy doing things socially that I would have only done drunk before like parties, weddings etc. I take my mental health and physical wellness so seriously! My nose used to snub tea, now? I have 7 different types in my kitchen.
12-15 years ago I would only paint while high, creating art through tragedy and sadness. Now I am able to pick up the brush and paint from my soul.
I am learning to be in a relationship with myself - to find the love with in, instead of externally. With this power will come a confidence to continue to grow and maybe eventually fall in love again. There is a reason why during flights they always tell you to put your mask on first, then tend to those around you. Because even the flight attendants know you have to take care of yourself first before you can serve others.
That is true in all areas of your life, if your good - we are all good.
So take some time, grow with me - learn to be in a relationship with yourself - and you will deepen your relationships with others as a result.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Upcoming!
As I continue to try to figure out this whole blogging thing, I am going to try a few changes to see if it helps any of my readers.
First I am going to start making pages that will kind of outline content for instance:
Sections for -
Relationship(s)
Parenting
Money
DIY
Wellness
Poetry
**sections listed above are for example only and may or may not be included in the actual construction**
My front page will continue to be a location for you can find my traditional entry but I will begin to have more specific content that you can choose to enjoy.
Now let me get to WORK!
2016
There has only been two pages written in the story that will be 2016! I hope that you are finding the confidence to keep the story going in the direction that your heart needs it to go.
I have to be completely honest, there is a portion of my story that I struggle with. My ex fiance and I have historically seen each other since my separation. The motivator behind that is that they have been a HUGE part of my daughters life. The person that I have co parented with since 2009. It has not been easy to seclude myself from them because my daughter still asks for them.
There is no ill feelings between us so that portion is fine, but the struggle is balance of boundaries. How much is too much, too little or is it appropriate to bring interaction to a complete and abrupt end? I can say that I have done my part to make sure that I do not send the wrong message with administering affection. But I think it can be difficult for them to accept that our current status renders it inappropriate to be around each other too much. When I first allowed them into my life - it was familiar and safe, then it was too much and we were right back to the same relationship that I just walked away from.
As we spent time together things came up that made it clear that we no longer really had anything in common. Our positions in life were different - our goals - polarized. We were officially on 2 different roads going in 2 different directions. It was also hard for me to stay in my calm and positive mind because I would allow myself to feel frustrated or angered as a reaction to a situation or choice that the other party would make.
Part of my process in the separation is to live in the truth and live in the now - So I know I will need to find the words to send a clearer more positive message for what will lie ahead for us. Its going to hurt, this kinds of things always do - but I think I will be respected more for being honest and clear - than to continue the dance that we always seem to do.
for now.
~daydreamer
I have to be completely honest, there is a portion of my story that I struggle with. My ex fiance and I have historically seen each other since my separation. The motivator behind that is that they have been a HUGE part of my daughters life. The person that I have co parented with since 2009. It has not been easy to seclude myself from them because my daughter still asks for them.
There is no ill feelings between us so that portion is fine, but the struggle is balance of boundaries. How much is too much, too little or is it appropriate to bring interaction to a complete and abrupt end? I can say that I have done my part to make sure that I do not send the wrong message with administering affection. But I think it can be difficult for them to accept that our current status renders it inappropriate to be around each other too much. When I first allowed them into my life - it was familiar and safe, then it was too much and we were right back to the same relationship that I just walked away from.
As we spent time together things came up that made it clear that we no longer really had anything in common. Our positions in life were different - our goals - polarized. We were officially on 2 different roads going in 2 different directions. It was also hard for me to stay in my calm and positive mind because I would allow myself to feel frustrated or angered as a reaction to a situation or choice that the other party would make.
Part of my process in the separation is to live in the truth and live in the now - So I know I will need to find the words to send a clearer more positive message for what will lie ahead for us. Its going to hurt, this kinds of things always do - but I think I will be respected more for being honest and clear - than to continue the dance that we always seem to do.
for now.
~daydreamer
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