again??!!

Does it ever truly get easier?

I barely can have emotions stirred in me, but there is one person that no matter what can always with what seems like little to no effort break me down in just a few words.

Back story on the topic: Child Support hearing ended in the favor of my petition for the increase. Now, a certain individual conveniently neglected to fill out a financial affidavit that would have shown that he has no living expenses out side of his car payment and child support for the other children. On a 80k salary. Fine.

Fast forward the new order requires for him to reimburse me for day care. The judge had requested for me to present receipts or invoices on a monthly basis in order to allow for him to have 14 days to reimburse me, no big deal. I offered a history of automatic debits, a copy of the contract and other supporting information to satisfy the request. Although the judge was not impressed with my information that neither the Taekwondo Institute or merchants services has ever in 2 years provided a receipt - I have spent nearly a month going back and forth with everyone involved trying to get what they have requested.

I was sent information and documents that I already had.  SO I stayed at square one.

I get a series of 9 messages last night after a conversation earlier that morning about the contract that I was willing to provide. Demanding receipts, accusing me of hiding something - as if there is anything to hide. I am " dragging my feet, enough is enough, what is the hold up, this is ridiculous etc" As I just wrote that, I realized. He is a bully.

He is the one person that can bring me to tears. Regularly as he sees fit.

And it is 100% because he is a nuclear disappointment. Cute package, rotting inside.

I have to come up with ways to curb the effect he has on me. To develop a skin thick enough to not be effected by  his shenanigans. I actually just don't want to have to deal with it. There is no reason.

Strings.......

People give just enough to keep you interested and not enough to keep you satisfied. Why do we do this?

I was speaking with one of my girlfriends the other day and she was telling me about a prospect that she was interested in. However - they both are in relationships. They met awhile ago and had just really casual interaction, then something switched and they both initiated conversation that was above the normal "friendship-lines"

My advice to her was PUMP THE BRAKES!

Easier said than done I assured her and I respect that. However - they both have stuff they need to settle before they can think about pursuing anything with each other. First off even if their current relationships are ending engaging in an intellectual relationship was in fact a form of cheating.

That may have fallen on deaf ears because she continued to expose herself to this person and then all of a sudden she told me she cut them off. I gave her a high five and a pep talk, she ended her current relationship and is a bit of a puddle to this point and I am sure she is not going to be impressed that I am talking about it in my blog. (sorry babe)

Any who, this cheater cheater pumpkin eater has showed back up in her life and hasn't left their relationship but is EXPLICIT with my girlfriend. I tried to explain to her that if they do it with you they will do it to you.

For what ever reason she is eating everything that comes out of this persons mouth as if she hasn't had a backbone in her ENTIRE life.

I think she enjoys the attention, but realizes that it is really not good for her. They seem to string her along giving hope for something that will never happen and leaving her feeling eager but lonely

But it really makes me think about why we tend to do that. In challenging situations where we might not know which direction to go we want what we want but don't want to do what needs to be done to get it. People claim they need time and or space, but they are violating the trust of their current partners and quite frankly it should make anyone think twice about the character of the individual.

Watching what my peers have gone through - is really what is holding me back from actively dating. I feel like is so hard to be able to trust the other person on the opposite side of the table is authentic - or not hiding a 3 year relationship - or a criminal record, or drug habit. Who the hell wants to date in this twisted ass world we live in.

I guess what I am saying to my queens of the world. Stop messing with jokers. Know what you bring to the table and NEVER be afraid to eat alone.

Unchained

shake me free of all your chains
remove your memory from my brain
I want to go on
I need to move on

but when I feel your hands on me
the chains are back and I am not free
I want you to keep on
I need you to keep on

One kiss there and one kiss here
on my shoulder and near my ear
I want to go on
I need to move on

off with my shirt, then my skirt hits the floor
my body is begging, pleading for more
I want you to keep on
I need to keep on




~daydreamer

Never

It can be fun and dangerous too
playing with and feeling you

this will hurt and end in flames
I like control and playing games

chase me, push me and break me down
cover my mouth and tell me not to make a sound.

tell me to sit and I promise I will stand
you want me to do something you will have to demand

you know what is my favorite part,
your confidence and aura much like art

you have me in ways you will never know
I want you in ways I will never go


~daydreamer

Let me

I have ruptured,

I have come undone

 

The thoughts are invading,

every second of my day

 

Give me a taste,

place it gently on my tongue

 

Satisfied by your rupture

I watch you come undone.

 

~daydreamer 

Burn Me

Give me a moment,

just a second of your time

acknowledge the fire -

the tingle of your spine

Try to kiss and you will regret it.

love of lust is arson

and I will set it.

You can come closer 

so much closer to me

the flames are rising

the passion now burning I see

Our hearts in full blown acceleration

Stand close enough to feel our heat

let the sweat drip with anticipation

glancing shyly at your feet.

Try to kiss and you will regret it.

love of lust is arson

and I will set it.

your confident, your strong

you even believe you can take it

But I assure you beautiful,

my victims never make it. 

The fire ignites and swallows them whole

leaving a puddle of lust

and dust for a soul.

Try to kiss and you will regret it.

love of lust is arson

and I will set it.

~daydreamer

I have been

I have been the New girl, the Old girl, the OOOOOO girl, Transition girl, the OTHER girl. Before you judge on that last one, it was a long time ago. OKAY. We all have skeletons.

Most of those - ok all of those I will never be again.

Coming up on my almost full year of separation I have decided to amend my dating procedure.

The plan:

Go slow. Like really really slow.
Be open. Not like a revolving door but not like a fortress either.

Definition of slow : we are taking it back to the term "courting" eh-..? yeah! I like it. This can be accomplished by - exposure to various social situations, subtle interactions. Building a foundation built on friendship and companionship first. After a year or so of courting, the relationship can commence. ( I am pretty sure you all think I am nuts at this point but hear me out)

Our society has gotten so used to instant gratification. We thrive on the newest, the fastest and have forgotten the beauty of taking our time. We have to eat fast, think fast, drive fast......meet, fall in love and update your relationship status on social media. I am in no hurry. The right person for me will have the same ideals.

What about sex?

What about it? There is sex on every billboard, radio station and tv channel. Its time to dial it back. Sex yes is great. But - its so readily available on every street corner that it holds no value anymore. There is nothing "special" "intimate" or "exclusive" anymore.

So, My experience being the girl who helped get a person over their ex - never worked. It killed my soul mostly because I was always second guessing my position in that persons life.
Being the other girl was VERY short lived as it weighed on my conscience as a terrible thing to do to someone, especially having been cheated on. I was in a weird place in my life at that point.

The New girl was ehhh, after things loose their sheen its hard to say!

The OLD girl though - teaches you to stop rereading chapters lol. Leave it where it was.

And trust that I have become too old to be the OOOOOO girl anymore. Oh my goodness. Never again. I know Justin Beibs said never say never but I just have to with that one.

In my selfish little new journey - I am a ME girl. I will let you know where it goes, if anywhere.

~daydreamer