I am sure there a million things we all wish we could change in our lives. But a lot of us just don't know how to do it or where to start. I sat with myself last night and realized that I may actually not be relationship material!
Don't judge. I have an attitude problem. No matter what. There is a minuscule part of that slightly comical. For the most part not.
I hate being wrong, I hate being over the hot coals. I am sarcastic and cold at times. I will open up but only on my terms. Pretty much I sound like a 10 year old.
My last relationship I was distracted and unhealthy - I was a grade A turd face. But when I am asked about it I am unable to respond in a productive manner at times. I will shut down or get defensive. So I am trying to find a way to grow from that.
How do I find away to answer the tough questions with respect and conviction. I have to own my errors and flaws. To be able to give the answers that are needed. After 6 years I am sure that is the very least I can do.
Its not right to let someone else bear the weight of your own issues. Although it is so much easier to push it on them and allow them to kind of work through the mud that you had created.
head spinning.
~daydreamer
Behind
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Eyes
I am a firm believer that life is a series of unfortunate circumstances and minor victories. I look large scale........I am talking big. In the big picture everything is small. Hear me out on this one.
People say sometimes just waking up is a victory, well on your 75th birthday you would have woken up over 27,000 times. So that day that you got up when you thought you couldn't is just a fraction of the larger victory. I hope that makes sense as it did in my head.
Every heart break or failed relationship is a step closer to where you are actually meant to be. So after a few sleepless nights and several hours of tears - you are closer to the day where you find some one who makes everyone else in the world fade away. The person who challenges everything that you thought to be real. The person who helps you find answers instead of the one who creates excuses. This may not all makes sense just yet but, I will try to make it come full circle.
Too often people stay where they are comfortable and familiar instead of having the courage to find what is insanely right.
I may not have friends after this whole bloggy thing but they give me GREAT material.
And I apologize in advance if it seems like I am all over the place.
With out further a do........ A colleague discloses that they have been in a relationship for a good amount of time but that they feel as if their partner may have some company or companionship out side of the relationship. They say they have talked about it and addressed it but that it still has become an issue again.
I sat and pondered for a moment, my best response and or reaction to this. The unfortunate part is that I could relate to their partner. I have done it. I have allowed people to occupy space in my mind while in a committed relationship. I know for a fact that this is a lot more common that should really be, in healthy relationships. But to help my colleague I tried to explain why I used to do it, or why I had done it.
1. When you are not happy with yourself you actively seek attention and validation from the wrong places.
2. When there is something missing from a relationship we try to find it EVERYWHERE else.
3. When you have someones head and heart at the same time - those things tend not to happen.
So as eloquently as I could I explained from first hand experience what causes people to do this. Then I asked "What are you going to do?" She followed up with about 18 reasons why she should leave. and NOT ONE reason on why she should stay. But guess what she is going to do.......
Stay.
Too often people stay where they are comfortable and familiar instead of having the courage to find what is insanely right. (see how I did that there, I call that bringing it together!)
I asked more firmly, "So you are willing to accept that kind of behavior?" we may have bantered a bit about whether or not she is, in my opinion she is.....because she has made it ok for her partner to do this, there has been no consequence.
I reminded them that it is inconsiderate and inappropriate, when people conduct themselves like that - but that it will never change is reality does not kick in for the both of them. The part that tipped my can over was when she said that neither of them are all in ........................................................................................................................................................................
WHAT?
So what are you doing??!!
I couldn't even hear what she said after that because my mind was still blown.
So shenanigans like this flowing all over society, I come up with the theory that I do not believe in marriage - people ask me, why aren't you married? Because crap like this happens every single day. And even though I did it, I am smart enough to own and acknowledge that it is dead wrong because:
You should have enough courage and conviction to own what you deserve and know what you have to offer. So after a few sleepless nights and several hours of tears - you are closer to the day where you find some one who makes everyone else in the world fade away. The person who challenges everything that you thought to be real. The person who helps you find answers instead of the one who creates excuses.
Until I see the insanely right, my attitude on marriage stands. I don't really know where that came from but I will keep it.
People, if the person you are with allows someone else to own space in their minds, dump that HAG - get your mind right and the person who makes everyone else melt away - will fall into your world. Wear a helmet - it could be dangerous.
~daydreamer
People say sometimes just waking up is a victory, well on your 75th birthday you would have woken up over 27,000 times. So that day that you got up when you thought you couldn't is just a fraction of the larger victory. I hope that makes sense as it did in my head.
Every heart break or failed relationship is a step closer to where you are actually meant to be. So after a few sleepless nights and several hours of tears - you are closer to the day where you find some one who makes everyone else in the world fade away. The person who challenges everything that you thought to be real. The person who helps you find answers instead of the one who creates excuses. This may not all makes sense just yet but, I will try to make it come full circle.
Too often people stay where they are comfortable and familiar instead of having the courage to find what is insanely right.
I may not have friends after this whole bloggy thing but they give me GREAT material.
And I apologize in advance if it seems like I am all over the place.
With out further a do........ A colleague discloses that they have been in a relationship for a good amount of time but that they feel as if their partner may have some company or companionship out side of the relationship. They say they have talked about it and addressed it but that it still has become an issue again.
I sat and pondered for a moment, my best response and or reaction to this. The unfortunate part is that I could relate to their partner. I have done it. I have allowed people to occupy space in my mind while in a committed relationship. I know for a fact that this is a lot more common that should really be, in healthy relationships. But to help my colleague I tried to explain why I used to do it, or why I had done it.
1. When you are not happy with yourself you actively seek attention and validation from the wrong places.
2. When there is something missing from a relationship we try to find it EVERYWHERE else.
3. When you have someones head and heart at the same time - those things tend not to happen.
So as eloquently as I could I explained from first hand experience what causes people to do this. Then I asked "What are you going to do?" She followed up with about 18 reasons why she should leave. and NOT ONE reason on why she should stay. But guess what she is going to do.......
Stay.
Too often people stay where they are comfortable and familiar instead of having the courage to find what is insanely right. (see how I did that there, I call that bringing it together!)
I asked more firmly, "So you are willing to accept that kind of behavior?" we may have bantered a bit about whether or not she is, in my opinion she is.....because she has made it ok for her partner to do this, there has been no consequence.
I reminded them that it is inconsiderate and inappropriate, when people conduct themselves like that - but that it will never change is reality does not kick in for the both of them. The part that tipped my can over was when she said that neither of them are all in ........................................................................................................................................................................
WHAT?
So what are you doing??!!
I couldn't even hear what she said after that because my mind was still blown.
So shenanigans like this flowing all over society, I come up with the theory that I do not believe in marriage - people ask me, why aren't you married? Because crap like this happens every single day. And even though I did it, I am smart enough to own and acknowledge that it is dead wrong because:
You should have enough courage and conviction to own what you deserve and know what you have to offer. So after a few sleepless nights and several hours of tears - you are closer to the day where you find some one who makes everyone else in the world fade away. The person who challenges everything that you thought to be real. The person who helps you find answers instead of the one who creates excuses.
Until I see the insanely right, my attitude on marriage stands. I don't really know where that came from but I will keep it.
People, if the person you are with allows someone else to own space in their minds, dump that HAG - get your mind right and the person who makes everyone else melt away - will fall into your world. Wear a helmet - it could be dangerous.
~daydreamer
Friday, March 18, 2016
again??!!
Does it ever truly get easier?
I barely can have emotions stirred in me, but there is one person that no matter what can always with what seems like little to no effort break me down in just a few words.
Back story on the topic: Child Support hearing ended in the favor of my petition for the increase. Now, a certain individual conveniently neglected to fill out a financial affidavit that would have shown that he has no living expenses out side of his car payment and child support for the other children. On a 80k salary. Fine.
Fast forward the new order requires for him to reimburse me for day care. The judge had requested for me to present receipts or invoices on a monthly basis in order to allow for him to have 14 days to reimburse me, no big deal. I offered a history of automatic debits, a copy of the contract and other supporting information to satisfy the request. Although the judge was not impressed with my information that neither the Taekwondo Institute or merchants services has ever in 2 years provided a receipt - I have spent nearly a month going back and forth with everyone involved trying to get what they have requested.
I was sent information and documents that I already had. SO I stayed at square one.
I get a series of 9 messages last night after a conversation earlier that morning about the contract that I was willing to provide. Demanding receipts, accusing me of hiding something - as if there is anything to hide. I am " dragging my feet, enough is enough, what is the hold up, this is ridiculous etc" As I just wrote that, I realized. He is a bully.
He is the one person that can bring me to tears. Regularly as he sees fit.
And it is 100% because he is a nuclear disappointment. Cute package, rotting inside.
I have to come up with ways to curb the effect he has on me. To develop a skin thick enough to not be effected by his shenanigans. I actually just don't want to have to deal with it. There is no reason.
I barely can have emotions stirred in me, but there is one person that no matter what can always with what seems like little to no effort break me down in just a few words.
Back story on the topic: Child Support hearing ended in the favor of my petition for the increase. Now, a certain individual conveniently neglected to fill out a financial affidavit that would have shown that he has no living expenses out side of his car payment and child support for the other children. On a 80k salary. Fine.
Fast forward the new order requires for him to reimburse me for day care. The judge had requested for me to present receipts or invoices on a monthly basis in order to allow for him to have 14 days to reimburse me, no big deal. I offered a history of automatic debits, a copy of the contract and other supporting information to satisfy the request. Although the judge was not impressed with my information that neither the Taekwondo Institute or merchants services has ever in 2 years provided a receipt - I have spent nearly a month going back and forth with everyone involved trying to get what they have requested.
I was sent information and documents that I already had. SO I stayed at square one.
I get a series of 9 messages last night after a conversation earlier that morning about the contract that I was willing to provide. Demanding receipts, accusing me of hiding something - as if there is anything to hide. I am " dragging my feet, enough is enough, what is the hold up, this is ridiculous etc" As I just wrote that, I realized. He is a bully.
He is the one person that can bring me to tears. Regularly as he sees fit.
And it is 100% because he is a nuclear disappointment. Cute package, rotting inside.
I have to come up with ways to curb the effect he has on me. To develop a skin thick enough to not be effected by his shenanigans. I actually just don't want to have to deal with it. There is no reason.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Strings.......
People give just enough to keep you interested and not enough to keep you satisfied. Why do we do this?
I was speaking with one of my girlfriends the other day and she was telling me about a prospect that she was interested in. However - they both are in relationships. They met awhile ago and had just really casual interaction, then something switched and they both initiated conversation that was above the normal "friendship-lines"
My advice to her was PUMP THE BRAKES!
Easier said than done I assured her and I respect that. However - they both have stuff they need to settle before they can think about pursuing anything with each other. First off even if their current relationships are ending engaging in an intellectual relationship was in fact a form of cheating.
That may have fallen on deaf ears because she continued to expose herself to this person and then all of a sudden she told me she cut them off. I gave her a high five and a pep talk, she ended her current relationship and is a bit of a puddle to this point and I am sure she is not going to be impressed that I am talking about it in my blog. (sorry babe)
Any who, this cheater cheater pumpkin eater has showed back up in her life and hasn't left their relationship but is EXPLICIT with my girlfriend. I tried to explain to her that if they do it with you they will do it to you.
For what ever reason she is eating everything that comes out of this persons mouth as if she hasn't had a backbone in her ENTIRE life.
I think she enjoys the attention, but realizes that it is really not good for her. They seem to string her along giving hope for something that will never happen and leaving her feeling eager but lonely
But it really makes me think about why we tend to do that. In challenging situations where we might not know which direction to go we want what we want but don't want to do what needs to be done to get it. People claim they need time and or space, but they are violating the trust of their current partners and quite frankly it should make anyone think twice about the character of the individual.
Watching what my peers have gone through - is really what is holding me back from actively dating. I feel like is so hard to be able to trust the other person on the opposite side of the table is authentic - or not hiding a 3 year relationship - or a criminal record, or drug habit. Who the hell wants to date in this twisted ass world we live in.
I guess what I am saying to my queens of the world. Stop messing with jokers. Know what you bring to the table and NEVER be afraid to eat alone.
I was speaking with one of my girlfriends the other day and she was telling me about a prospect that she was interested in. However - they both are in relationships. They met awhile ago and had just really casual interaction, then something switched and they both initiated conversation that was above the normal "friendship-lines"
My advice to her was PUMP THE BRAKES!
Easier said than done I assured her and I respect that. However - they both have stuff they need to settle before they can think about pursuing anything with each other. First off even if their current relationships are ending engaging in an intellectual relationship was in fact a form of cheating.
That may have fallen on deaf ears because she continued to expose herself to this person and then all of a sudden she told me she cut them off. I gave her a high five and a pep talk, she ended her current relationship and is a bit of a puddle to this point and I am sure she is not going to be impressed that I am talking about it in my blog. (sorry babe)
Any who, this cheater cheater pumpkin eater has showed back up in her life and hasn't left their relationship but is EXPLICIT with my girlfriend. I tried to explain to her that if they do it with you they will do it to you.
For what ever reason she is eating everything that comes out of this persons mouth as if she hasn't had a backbone in her ENTIRE life.
I think she enjoys the attention, but realizes that it is really not good for her. They seem to string her along giving hope for something that will never happen and leaving her feeling eager but lonely
But it really makes me think about why we tend to do that. In challenging situations where we might not know which direction to go we want what we want but don't want to do what needs to be done to get it. People claim they need time and or space, but they are violating the trust of their current partners and quite frankly it should make anyone think twice about the character of the individual.
Watching what my peers have gone through - is really what is holding me back from actively dating. I feel like is so hard to be able to trust the other person on the opposite side of the table is authentic - or not hiding a 3 year relationship - or a criminal record, or drug habit. Who the hell wants to date in this twisted ass world we live in.
I guess what I am saying to my queens of the world. Stop messing with jokers. Know what you bring to the table and NEVER be afraid to eat alone.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Unchained
shake me free of all your chains
remove your memory from my brain
I want to go on
I need to move on
but when I feel your hands on me
the chains are back and I am not free
I want you to keep on
I need you to keep on
One kiss there and one kiss here
on my shoulder and near my ear
I want to go on
I need to move on
off with my shirt, then my skirt hits the floor
my body is begging, pleading for more
I want you to keep on
I need to keep on
~daydreamer
remove your memory from my brain
I want to go on
I need to move on
but when I feel your hands on me
the chains are back and I am not free
I want you to keep on
I need you to keep on
One kiss there and one kiss here
on my shoulder and near my ear
I want to go on
I need to move on
off with my shirt, then my skirt hits the floor
my body is begging, pleading for more
I want you to keep on
I need to keep on
~daydreamer
Friday, March 4, 2016
Never
It can be fun and dangerous too
playing with and feeling you
this will hurt and end in flames
I like control and playing games
chase me, push me and break me down
cover my mouth and tell me not to make a sound.
tell me to sit and I promise I will stand
you want me to do something you will have to demand
you know what is my favorite part,
your confidence and aura much like art
you have me in ways you will never know
I want you in ways I will never go
~daydreamer
playing with and feeling you
this will hurt and end in flames
I like control and playing games
chase me, push me and break me down
cover my mouth and tell me not to make a sound.
tell me to sit and I promise I will stand
you want me to do something you will have to demand
you know what is my favorite part,
your confidence and aura much like art
you have me in ways you will never know
I want you in ways I will never go
~daydreamer
Let me
I have ruptured,
I have come undone
The thoughts are invading,
every second of my day
Give me a taste,
place it gently on my tongue
Satisfied by your rupture
I watch you come undone.
~daydreamer
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Burn Me
Give me a moment,
just a second of your time
acknowledge the fire -
the tingle of your spine
Try to kiss and you will regret it.
love of lust is arson
and I will set it.
You can come closer
so much closer to me
the flames are rising
the passion now burning I see
Our hearts in full blown acceleration
Stand close enough to feel our heat
let the sweat drip with anticipation
glancing shyly at your feet.
Try to kiss and you will regret it.
love of lust is arson
and I will set it.
your confident, your strong
you even believe you can take it
But I assure you beautiful,
my victims never make it.
The fire ignites and swallows them whole
leaving a puddle of lust
and dust for a soul.
Try to kiss and you will regret it.
love of lust is arson
and I will set it.
~daydreamer
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