My loves, so much has changed. 6 months ago if you were to tell me that this is where my life would be I would have probably laughed.
I am a flawed child of God. I had lost my way more times than I head in the right direction. There was a messenger to awaken my soul and lead me back to faith. My soul and heart were tired and I knew that it was time for me to change my ways. So I submitted to faith. I let my need to control everything to fall to the side and I actively searched for deeper wisdom.
Everyday I thirsted for the word. My heart and spirit leaned deep into the word yearning for wisdom and discernment, healing and growth.
So here I am - knee deep in what is called a "Faith Walk" by some - "Walking with Christ" by others. Practicing Christianity by most.
What it really comes down to is just a realignment of my belief system, my moral and ethical structure. My defragmenting of trauma and hurt - the cessation of a victim mentality and the unveiling of the Queen I am fearfully, wonderfully made to be.
It has been a painstaking process that has brought me to my knees, sobbing and also caused me to clap and shout for praise in gratitude of this transformation of my spirit. I have been tasked with a period of wait. Preparation for the next level of my calling.
In this period of wait and season of development, I have been charged with walking not by sight but by faith. By remembering Gods promise despite how my current placement may look.
God wants to see me be obedient. Wants me to answer when he calls me to action, wants me to use my voice and my gifts to impact change.
Behind
Friday, December 8, 2017
Friday, November 24, 2017
Changed
There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -
She realized in this moment WHO she was
The water rushing around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering
No longer a victim
No longer a child
There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -
She realized in this moment WHO she was
The life rushing around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering
No longer an addict
No longer lost
There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -
She realized in this moment WHO she was
The Lord working around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering
No longer weak
No longer afraid
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Little House Big Memories
Hey guys - I hope this post finds you all well.
A few times a dream has recurred to me. It is often of my grandfathers house, the first time it was vacant and infested with rats - once I was the owner after he passed and this last one was it being bestowed upon me.
I dreamt of the perfect size of the fence in yard - the detached garage that I could park my truck in. The memories of crawling and climbing the tree in the back yard. Hosting holidays and get togethers in the finished restaurant style basement like the 20 years I had remember spending there.
There was a wall of mirrors in the living room and the kitchen dear god the design clock stopped at 1952. It was perfect.
My heart was broken when he didn't leave the house to me when he passed. He owned the house free and clear - I would have only had to pay the taxes lol. I guess that is selfish of me though. I am not really one for tradition but now as I am getting older and the world is showing me just how alone I really am my belief is that I am clinging to what ever memory I have.....Wishing that things were different or that my truth was altered.
The ramp that was installed for his wheel chair was still there - the wire umbrella he made for my grandmother who passed before him still stood strong in the yard. The exterior shutters have been painted a tacky pink color from the original black.
Christmas lights still draped along the roof line - judgement free. All and all the house looks like it is being maintained.......i hope there is as much laughter and love filling the walls as there was when it was a part of my family.
Rest in Peace, you are sorely missed and loved forever.
~day dreamer
A few times a dream has recurred to me. It is often of my grandfathers house, the first time it was vacant and infested with rats - once I was the owner after he passed and this last one was it being bestowed upon me.
I dreamt of the perfect size of the fence in yard - the detached garage that I could park my truck in. The memories of crawling and climbing the tree in the back yard. Hosting holidays and get togethers in the finished restaurant style basement like the 20 years I had remember spending there.
There was a wall of mirrors in the living room and the kitchen dear god the design clock stopped at 1952. It was perfect.
My heart was broken when he didn't leave the house to me when he passed. He owned the house free and clear - I would have only had to pay the taxes lol. I guess that is selfish of me though. I am not really one for tradition but now as I am getting older and the world is showing me just how alone I really am my belief is that I am clinging to what ever memory I have.....Wishing that things were different or that my truth was altered.
The ramp that was installed for his wheel chair was still there - the wire umbrella he made for my grandmother who passed before him still stood strong in the yard. The exterior shutters have been painted a tacky pink color from the original black.
Christmas lights still draped along the roof line - judgement free. All and all the house looks like it is being maintained.......i hope there is as much laughter and love filling the walls as there was when it was a part of my family.
Rest in Peace, you are sorely missed and loved forever.
~day dreamer
Friday, May 12, 2017
Then She Broke
Most of you have seen me taking on more and more. Filling my plate until it runneth over and not in a good way!
I found myself drowning in the work load that I kept piling on myself pushing through and through to the next level. next assignment, next meeting, project - goal. then:
FACE TO THE CEMENT.
My anxiety levels increased and my exhaustion increased. The patience and passion that used to pour from my skin and heart ran dry. I woke up with hives and the lack of desire to put in another day. I texted to prepare for my mental health day and I absolutely UNPLUGGED.
My heart was searching high and low for whatever was causing my soul to be in unrest. No matter what I couldnt find it. I thought that maybe i needed a drink - a change in scenery surrounding - art - smells anything that could provoke this moment of "EUREKA that's the problem!"
Nothing.
I could not reach the depths of what ever sent my world in a spin. Saturday came and I was moving furniture and working up a sweat trying to work through still what weighed me down. I stood in a room listening to music wanting only to let down my guard and drink. drink until i could see the darkness that was clouding my goals.
I wanted to dance and be reckless I wanted to fight the angels and submit to the devils delight.... I could see myself getting in trouble and causing trouble where ever my sparkle left its trail. Forcing myself to sit down and look again and what lies in front of me. Reevaluating my need to be set free and unrestricted. To let go of my standards and protections that I have in place. As my heart began to slow my body started to call for rest. Wandering into my bed I snuggled deep into the blankets and off to sleep my body drift.
The next day didn't offer much in peace............but here i go pushing on
~day dreamer
I found myself drowning in the work load that I kept piling on myself pushing through and through to the next level. next assignment, next meeting, project - goal. then:
FACE TO THE CEMENT.
My anxiety levels increased and my exhaustion increased. The patience and passion that used to pour from my skin and heart ran dry. I woke up with hives and the lack of desire to put in another day. I texted to prepare for my mental health day and I absolutely UNPLUGGED.
My heart was searching high and low for whatever was causing my soul to be in unrest. No matter what I couldnt find it. I thought that maybe i needed a drink - a change in scenery surrounding - art - smells anything that could provoke this moment of "EUREKA that's the problem!"
Nothing.
I could not reach the depths of what ever sent my world in a spin. Saturday came and I was moving furniture and working up a sweat trying to work through still what weighed me down. I stood in a room listening to music wanting only to let down my guard and drink. drink until i could see the darkness that was clouding my goals.
I wanted to dance and be reckless I wanted to fight the angels and submit to the devils delight.... I could see myself getting in trouble and causing trouble where ever my sparkle left its trail. Forcing myself to sit down and look again and what lies in front of me. Reevaluating my need to be set free and unrestricted. To let go of my standards and protections that I have in place. As my heart began to slow my body started to call for rest. Wandering into my bed I snuggled deep into the blankets and off to sleep my body drift.
The next day didn't offer much in peace............but here i go pushing on
~day dreamer
Friday, May 5, 2017
Dreamzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The last little while my dreams literally have been OUT OF CONTROL. Now we have to acknowledge that more evenings than not I take a sleep aide and sleepy time tea to unwind my body and I am sure that some of this subliminal post consciousness fantasy has a lot to do with it.
A few weeks ago I dreamt that I fought an elderly lady at my daughters school. In my defense she was being a bit disrespectful and probably holding my daughter against her will or as if I didn't have authority to pick her up or something ridiculous. Old lady or not - when it comes to my daughter YOU CAN GET SOME OF IT.
Then there was the recurring dream of the cities I love and the HOTELS I adore. Wild variations of these dreams go from the seductive spaces, exclusive reservations and last minute stays.
Some dreams unfortunately we do not have the luxury to take with us when we wake up. That is such a tease isn't it? the worst is too when you are in the middle of one and BOOM your up then you are determined to finish the dream and you never pick up where you left off. ever.
Then the dreams that you wake up HOT and BOTHERED thinking - " I could never" blushing - Knowing damn well if you had half the chance you would.
The subconscious is a dangerous place to visit. You can wake up mad, elated - embarrassed, thankful unsure or changed.
A few weeks ago I dreamt that I fought an elderly lady at my daughters school. In my defense she was being a bit disrespectful and probably holding my daughter against her will or as if I didn't have authority to pick her up or something ridiculous. Old lady or not - when it comes to my daughter YOU CAN GET SOME OF IT.
Then there was the recurring dream of the cities I love and the HOTELS I adore. Wild variations of these dreams go from the seductive spaces, exclusive reservations and last minute stays.
Some dreams unfortunately we do not have the luxury to take with us when we wake up. That is such a tease isn't it? the worst is too when you are in the middle of one and BOOM your up then you are determined to finish the dream and you never pick up where you left off. ever.
Then the dreams that you wake up HOT and BOTHERED thinking - " I could never" blushing - Knowing damn well if you had half the chance you would.
The subconscious is a dangerous place to visit. You can wake up mad, elated - embarrassed, thankful unsure or changed.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Happy Birthday MOM!
The love of a mother
Her heart was never filled with fear
though thousands of miles apart
her spirit was always near
Through the good and the bad
times, memories and moments
even all the things in between
there she stood with open arms
the love of a mother
her eyes still fill with tears
even after all these years letting you go
into this big scary world
with every single good bye
whispering .... why?
Why can't she stay, why can't I go
she should be with me -
I love my baby girl, I love her so
There she stood with her heart outside of her body
every time her daughter walked away from her
her heart broke a little more
from the love of a mother.
For my mother, for her birthday - I will love you always - and thank you for life. XOXO
~day dreamer
Thursday, April 20, 2017
..another year older
Here we are 2017! I have settled on a another year older and bolder. We are now almost 5 months into the new year and I am sure we will blink and then 2017 will be through. I have sunk myself deeply into my work and reclaiming sobriety after 9 months of playtime. So far so good even though some days are harder than others. I have to remind myself daily often that the healthier more vibrant me is worth more than the free spirited wild child that likes to show up after a few glasses of wine.
Have you met me? You think you have but I assure you there is so much more to know. There is pain and happiness - there is tears and smiles. I put all of my energy where it is needed most leaving me drained usually by the end of the week. I like to hide away and recharge - finding a new project to get involved with and an outlet for my healing.
What are we up against as we roll through 2017:
Life
Money
Work
Health
Ex's
Interests
Children
Self Discovery
Home
Pets
Growth
Change
What you will notice right off the bat is that these things will carry over from year after year - what changes hopefully is our balance of these items. How effective are we managing them? How can we improve? What can be eliminated and or reduced. That is the state of euphoric zen most reach for and some are actually able to achieve.
Admittedly I have so much opportunity for growth and evolution in absolutely ALL of those areas and I am sure more that may just be slipping my mind after a full day but I am here aren't I - and so are YOU and this - yes THIS stands for something.
Wouldn't we love to work, not for a paycheck but for the difference that we make in our local and global communities? That it wasn't a necessity for existence but a responsibility we hold - for the good. Can you see a life where we don't have to pinch our pennies but are paid in gratuity. Affording the bare essentials and delightful luxuries. Waking up to a greater sense of self and worth based not on economic status or material accolades. A world where EVERYONE has a home, God, a girl could dream - fueled on exhaustion and malnutrition from not eating dinner YET! Being 7:45 I might just call it good - eh. Dinner shminner. How about if our interests were interested? lol If conversation wasn't a marriage proposal or invitation for sexual conquests. Can we not just find people INTERESTING with out it being like "omg, she has a kid - parenting is contagious" "she def wants the V or the D" "Im old enough to be your parent but I would like to touch your butt" "I wonder if she would like my wife"
Jeez. That was a bit of a rant. I'm sorry but its a legit question right?! This is my life people lol. I can not make it up.
Have you met me? You think you have but I assure you there is so much more to know. There is pain and happiness - there is tears and smiles. I put all of my energy where it is needed most leaving me drained usually by the end of the week. I like to hide away and recharge - finding a new project to get involved with and an outlet for my healing.
What are we up against as we roll through 2017:
Life
Money
Work
Health
Ex's
Interests
Children
Self Discovery
Home
Pets
Growth
Change
What you will notice right off the bat is that these things will carry over from year after year - what changes hopefully is our balance of these items. How effective are we managing them? How can we improve? What can be eliminated and or reduced. That is the state of euphoric zen most reach for and some are actually able to achieve.
Admittedly I have so much opportunity for growth and evolution in absolutely ALL of those areas and I am sure more that may just be slipping my mind after a full day but I am here aren't I - and so are YOU and this - yes THIS stands for something.
Wouldn't we love to work, not for a paycheck but for the difference that we make in our local and global communities? That it wasn't a necessity for existence but a responsibility we hold - for the good. Can you see a life where we don't have to pinch our pennies but are paid in gratuity. Affording the bare essentials and delightful luxuries. Waking up to a greater sense of self and worth based not on economic status or material accolades. A world where EVERYONE has a home, God, a girl could dream - fueled on exhaustion and malnutrition from not eating dinner YET! Being 7:45 I might just call it good - eh. Dinner shminner. How about if our interests were interested? lol If conversation wasn't a marriage proposal or invitation for sexual conquests. Can we not just find people INTERESTING with out it being like "omg, she has a kid - parenting is contagious" "she def wants the V or the D" "Im old enough to be your parent but I would like to touch your butt" "I wonder if she would like my wife"
Jeez. That was a bit of a rant. I'm sorry but its a legit question right?! This is my life people lol. I can not make it up.
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