Distance

Give me space and time to heal
The pain is real,
let me lay this desire at the altar and prepare to walk away
In your path, your reach - I can not stay.
You had my heart, my mind - body and soul
Your kiss burned my lips like smoldering coal
Sealing the memory of love, of dreams - of hope.
Give me space and time to heal
The pain is real,
You started something you couldn't handle - now I need to cope.

WALKING

My loves, so much has changed. 6 months ago if you were to tell me that this is where my life would be I would have probably laughed.






I am a flawed child of God. I had lost my way more times than I head in the right direction. There was a messenger to awaken my soul and lead me back to faith. My soul and heart were tired and I knew that it was time for me to change my ways. So I submitted to faith. I let my need to control everything to fall to the side and I actively searched for deeper wisdom.


Everyday I thirsted for the word. My heart and spirit leaned deep into the word yearning for wisdom and discernment, healing and growth.


So here I am - knee deep in what is called a "Faith Walk" by some - "Walking with Christ" by others. Practicing Christianity by most.


What it really comes down to is just a realignment of my belief system, my moral and ethical structure. My defragmenting of trauma and hurt - the cessation of a victim mentality and the unveiling of the Queen I am fearfully, wonderfully made to be.


It has been a painstaking process that has brought me to my knees, sobbing and also caused me to clap and shout for praise in gratitude of this transformation of my spirit. I have been tasked with a period of wait. Preparation for the next level of my calling.


In this period of wait and season of development, I have been charged with walking not by sight but by faith. By remembering Gods promise despite how my current placement may look.


God wants to see me be obedient. Wants me to answer when he calls me to action, wants me to use my voice and my gifts to impact change.

Changed

There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -


She realized in this moment WHO she was


The water rushing around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering


No longer a victim
No longer a child


There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -


She realized in this moment WHO she was


The life rushing around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering


No longer an addict
No longer lost


There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -


She realized in this moment WHO she was


The Lord working around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering


No longer weak
No longer afraid

Little House Big Memories

Hey guys - I hope this post finds you all well.

A few times a dream has recurred to me. It is often of my grandfathers house, the first time it was vacant and infested with rats - once I was the owner after he passed and this last one was it being bestowed upon me.

I dreamt of the perfect size of the fence in yard - the detached garage that I could park my truck in. The memories of crawling and climbing the tree in the back yard. Hosting holidays and get togethers in the finished restaurant style basement like the 20 years I had remember spending there.

There was a wall of mirrors in the living room and the kitchen dear god the design clock stopped at 1952. It was perfect.

My heart was broken when he didn't leave the house to me when he passed. He owned the house free and clear - I would have only had to pay the taxes lol. I guess that is selfish of me though. I am not really one for tradition but now as I am getting older and the world is showing me just how alone I really am my belief is that I am clinging to what ever memory I have.....Wishing that things were different or that my truth was altered.

The ramp that was installed for his wheel chair was still there - the wire umbrella he made for my grandmother who passed before him still stood strong in the yard. The exterior shutters have been painted a tacky pink color from the original black.

Christmas lights still draped along the roof line - judgement free. All and all the house looks like it is being maintained.......i hope there is as much laughter and love filling the walls as there was when it was a part of my family.

Rest in Peace,  you are sorely missed and loved forever.
~day dreamer

Then She Broke

Most of you have seen me taking on more and more. Filling my plate until it runneth over and not in a good way!

I found myself drowning in the work load that I kept piling on myself pushing through and through to the next level. next assignment, next meeting, project - goal. then:

FACE TO THE CEMENT.

My anxiety levels increased and my exhaustion increased. The patience and passion that used to pour from my skin and heart ran dry. I woke up with hives and the lack of desire to put in another day. I texted to prepare for my mental health day and I absolutely UNPLUGGED.

My heart was searching high and low for whatever was causing my soul to be in unrest. No matter what I couldnt find it. I thought that maybe i needed a drink - a change in scenery surrounding - art - smells anything that could provoke this moment of "EUREKA that's the problem!"

Nothing.

I could not reach the depths of what ever sent my world in a spin. Saturday came and I was moving furniture and working up a sweat trying to work through still what weighed me down. I stood in a room listening to music wanting only to let down my guard and drink. drink until i could see the darkness that was clouding my goals.

I wanted to dance and be reckless I wanted to fight the angels and submit to the devils delight.... I could see myself getting in trouble and causing trouble where ever my sparkle left its trail. Forcing myself to sit down and look again and what lies in front of me. Reevaluating my need to be set free and unrestricted. To let go of my standards and protections that I have in place. As my heart began to slow my body started to call for rest. Wandering into my bed I snuggled deep into the blankets and off to sleep my body drift.

The next day didn't offer much in peace............but here i go pushing on

~day dreamer

Dreamzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The last little while my dreams literally have been OUT OF CONTROL. Now we have to acknowledge that more evenings than not I take a sleep aide and sleepy time tea to unwind my body and I am sure that some of this subliminal post consciousness fantasy has a lot to do with it.

A few weeks ago I dreamt that I fought an elderly lady at my daughters school. In my defense she was being a bit disrespectful and probably holding my daughter against her will or as if I didn't have authority to pick her up or something ridiculous. Old lady or not - when it comes to my daughter YOU CAN GET SOME OF IT.

Then there was the recurring dream of the cities I love and the HOTELS I adore. Wild variations of these dreams go from the seductive spaces, exclusive reservations and last minute stays.

Some dreams unfortunately we do not have the luxury to take with us when we wake up. That is such a tease isn't it? the worst is too when you are in the middle of one and BOOM your up then you are determined to finish the dream and you never pick up where you left off. ever.

Then the dreams that you wake up HOT and BOTHERED thinking - " I could never" blushing - Knowing damn well if you had half the chance you would.

The subconscious is a dangerous place to visit. You can wake up mad, elated - embarrassed, thankful unsure or changed.

Happy Birthday MOM!

The love of a mother

Her heart was never filled with fear

though thousands of miles apart

her spirit was always near

Through the good and the bad 

 times, memories and moments

even all the things in between

there she stood with open arms 

the love of a mother

her eyes still fill with tears 

even after all these years letting you go 

into this big scary world 

with every single good bye 

whispering .... why?

Why can't she stay, why can't I go

she should be with me - 

I love my baby girl, I love her so

There she stood with her heart outside of her body

every time her daughter walked away from her

her heart broke a little more

from the love of a mother.

For my mother, for her birthday - I will love you always - and thank you for life. XOXO
~day dreamer

..another year older

Here we are 2017! I have settled on a another year older and bolder. We are now almost 5 months into the new year and I am sure we will blink and then 2017 will be through. I have sunk myself deeply into my work and reclaiming sobriety after 9 months of playtime. So far so good even though some days are harder than others. I have to remind myself daily often that the healthier more vibrant me is worth more than the free spirited wild child that likes to show up after a few glasses of wine.

Have you met me? You think you have but I assure you there is so much more to know. There is pain and happiness - there is tears and smiles. I put all of my energy where it is needed most leaving me drained  usually by the end of the week. I like to hide away and recharge - finding a new project to get involved with and an outlet for my healing.

What are we up against as we roll through 2017:

Life
Money
Work
Health
Ex's
Interests
Children
Self Discovery
Home
Pets
Growth
Change

What you will notice right off the bat is that these things will carry over from year after year - what changes hopefully is our balance of these items. How effective are we managing them? How can we improve? What can be eliminated and or reduced. That is the state of euphoric zen most reach for and some are actually able to achieve.

Admittedly I have so much opportunity for growth and evolution in absolutely ALL of those areas and I am sure more that may just be slipping my mind after a full day but I am here aren't I - and so are YOU and this - yes THIS stands for something.

Wouldn't we love to work, not for a paycheck but for the difference that we make in our local and global communities? That it wasn't a necessity for existence but a responsibility we hold - for the good. Can you see a life where we don't have to pinch our pennies but are paid in gratuity. Affording the bare essentials and delightful luxuries. Waking up to a greater sense of self and worth based not on economic status or material accolades. A world where EVERYONE has a home, God, a girl could dream - fueled on exhaustion and malnutrition from not eating dinner YET! Being 7:45 I might just call it good - eh. Dinner shminner. How about if our interests were interested? lol If conversation wasn't a marriage proposal or invitation for sexual conquests. Can we not just find people INTERESTING with out it being like "omg, she has a kid - parenting is contagious" "she def wants the V or the D" "Im old enough to be your parent but I would like to touch your butt" "I wonder if she would like my wife"

Jeez. That was a bit of a rant. I'm sorry but its a legit question right?!  This is my life people lol. I can not make it up.

Split Seconds

Normal Saturday off, errands to run and time spent with my beautiful little girl.....Turned upside down with one scroll through social media.

After 6 years of no contact, I see a post of my now 12 year old niece.

Missing Girl:

12 year old florida girl missing since.....

My initial reaction is NO FUCKING WAY! I closed my app and reopened it to see her smiling face. I reread the post and immediately called the owner of the post to see what was going on. His breakdown of the events scared me. I told him I wanted to be kept in the loop - and that I would try to get a hold of my brother whom I have not talked too since the birthday after my father died. 

I got off the phone and stood in the middle of the store with my mind spinning of all the possibilities and the uncertainty of being out of state, out of touch and out of control. I called a friend of my brothers and immediately begged for a way to get a hold of him. My explanation of the circumstances was enough to get a phone number. With the phone in my hand I was unsure of how to dial it. As if suddenly my tech savvy self was disoriented and clueless. 

My first attempt was a direct dial - it went to voicemail, I left a message - then I sent a follow up text.

Jesenia is missing, Please call Bianca. 

Simple short and about all that I could get out considering the length of time between my last correspondence with him. Not so much as a "k" or "idc" or "go fuck yourself" I cant say as I am surprised, but I was definitely disappointed.

45 minutes later I received a missed call from florida. I called it back and an eerie voice answered - it took less than 2 words from that person for me to identify the voice of the person on the other end. My body seemed to explode with rage and bewilderment. 

"How did you get my number?"

- Gabe asked me to call, whats going on?

"What? I don't even know how I feel about talking to you right now!"

-Well it can go 2 ways, I can help or not you choose

"Considering I am in New York state and he is there in florida, he has a bit more stretch than me - he should be man enough to call Bianca directly, yet here YOU are calling ME!"

-I don't even know who this is,

"Of course you dont......."

As the rage began to make its way to my throat and voice I hung up. My anger and attitude was prepared to rake this woman over the coals of hell. My need for peace interjected and disconnected before I made myself sick. 

This demon was the woman who shared beds with married men, with family members - who allowed minors to drink in her presence - the same woman who stood between my fathers funeral and I, telling me that I was not welcomed there - but that she would sell me a rubber bracelet in memorium of my father. The same demon who listed herself as my fathers fiance, though they were never engaged, listed my mother his EX WIFE as a "close relative" her two children and me absolute dead last and children of my father in is distasteful obituary.

Every cell in my body wanted to scale up and down her with the damage that she had infected upon everyone she came in contact with, like a lethal virus killing you from the inside out until like my father there was nothing but ash left. My better judgement won. I hung up the phone with a racing heart and a shaking hand with only tears welling in my eyes.  

From that very moment my whole focus was off. I couldn't think straight, my attitude went from free spirited to completely jaded. I sent a MF text to my brother shaming him for giving her my number and not handling this differently. 

Close people to me were not surprised, but can they understand how disappointed I am? The expectation was that we would snap out of our bubbles of hurt and band together - because no matter what WE had been through - that little girl was more important than that. She deserved better, from ALL OF US. As per the usual - my cape was on, and I stood there with it waving in the chaos - by myself - exposed to the pain, once again.

Seeking peace......

Money Talks

I know I am not the only one STRESSED over finances on a pay period basis! My word!  Life is expensive. Life changes, income changes, cost of living changes yet the bills demand to be paid month after month!

Tax season is upon us and for a lot of people this is the chance to get  back on track!
(myself included)

Between Q4 traveling and holiday my debt SPIKED again - here is the plan:

OPERATION DEBT REDUCTION 2017:

Total credit card debt: 6000

Total debt from unsecured loans: 9000

Total secured debt: 70000

Secured debt is in the form of an auto lease and mortgage loan!

*Figures have been rounded up for easier breakdowns*

Looking at these figures in a big picture form would cause me to throw up, but taking the figures and breaking them into increments makes it more manageable. The method I used last year and found great success with was the "SNOWBALL METHOD" google.com, pinterest.com and daveramsey.com have easily searchable debt reduction methods and formulas - even a person of remedial excel capability can create an easy to understand and implementation strategy. Of course if you feel like you may be in way over your head you can always work with a local consumer counseling service or perhaps your local financial institution. 

The fundamental idea for the snowball method is to pay the most your budget can afford on your lowest balance - while paying the minimum on the other debts. Once one is paid off roll that maximum into the next lowest balance in addition to the minimum you were already paying. 

What does that look like?

This is a snap shot of a method I used in 2016 - I was able to reduce my debt by 34% in Q1 and managed to increase it by Q4 by being a bit free spirited and careless. You can easily see though how making a manageable payment on the lower debt first then rolling it in to the next debt. this is how the term snowballing or water-falling the pay offs came from.

It is a good practice and something Dave Ramsey mentions to establish an emergency fund first before tackling a debt reduction plan like this.

Tax season is a great time to set away 500-1000 for emergencies.

Lets commit to an actual emergency not a 70% clearance price that you see in the local Target store (gets me EVERY SINGLE TIME) Your local financial institution may have a savings account or certificate of deposit that may bear a higher interest than a traditional savings.

Once you do that you can quickly complete an excel sheet or other resource you find online to put the plan to work.

 "If you want your plan to work, plan to work your plan!"

What if I am already behind?

The hardest part is picking up that collection call. If you can keep in communication with your debtors they are far more likely to be willing to work with you. Again use a portion of your refund if you are eligible to catch back up and set you on the path for a smoother 2017. (financially atleast)

Good luck! 

#debtreduction, #smartfinances #singlemomincome #healthwealthandthestruggleinbetween #life #petiteperspectives

Politically (IN)correct

This is a scary time to be an American. A patriot. The type of American that still believes in civil liberties and the fair treatment of fellow humans regardless of race, religion, creed, sexual orientation or gender. Yet the leader of the “free world” is encouraging our government to do exactly that.
Some Americans were energized by his radical beliefs and promise to put an end to crooked politics. But I fear that energy may have just set us back over a hundred years.



This animalistic belief that too many cavemen in our cave will reduce the “necessary” supplies for our families – is ridiculous. Using the reference to cavemen is to help you see the brutal and dangerous ignorance. I want you to envision the uncivilized grunt jumping and screaming to protect what we would call a fridge now. Nor will it keep us any safer. I assure you I am more likely to get hurt at my local shopping mall by some 20yr old kid with a chip on their shoulder than some jihadist slitting my throat in my sleep.



The Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall one thought of by an emperor…... something like 210 years BEFORE CHRIST.  The other was built 15 years into the cold war. Yet here we are talking about building a wall to keep Mexicans out. There is plenty of everything for everyone in this country. There are jobs, they may not be the highest paying or the most glamorous but there are jobs. There is FREE educational resources. There is not ONE immigrant past, present or future that is taking from YOU or YOURS.



Have we forgotten altogether what being American means? We are a melting pot of races, genders, religions, body shapes, skin colors and professions. We are the home of the free and the brave. We have a monument that asks for countries to: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"



For the first time in American history we have a political leader going against everything this nation has ever stood for…..and the audacity of any breathing, bleeding American citizen to support that…..YOU are the decedent of immigrants. We all are, you know who isn’t? Natives….Tribal - aboriginal peoples that IMMIGRANTS slaughter around Thanks Giving time. (think of that when you carve your turdukin next year) They have the right to stand up and say – ‘well you know what guys we tried that before and it was almost genocide.’  But they are not, they are actually having to fight for clean water – insert DAPL. That will be a whole other discussion at a later time.



My point here people – be conscious. Fully – fully conscious. The White House is not a place for Hollywood reality TV, for hatred and oppression. The White House is supposed to be for the brightest and bravest, leaders NOT dictators.



For this first time since the civil or revolutionary war I believe our country is on the horizon of some very scary revolt. Each side is convinced that their way is the right way – and neither is ready to compromise. Immigrant families are scared that their homes will be torn apart, non-Christian/Catholics are scared that their faith will kill their American dream. Radicalism calls to build a wall and deport individuals, question anyone who doesn’t fit the American mold – but I revert back to a previous statement – America is the melting pot.



Yes we have a national language – it’s not AMERICAN either! English historians state, was derived from Germanic Tribes as they immigrated to England.

That’s all for now – wake up, stand up and never back down.
~daydreamer

Well, Hello 2017

Well Hello 2017!

Here we are friends we have made it to 2017! Some of us may have more bumps and bruises but you are HERE. You are above the ground and above the water.

Where have I been?....


Plenty of places I didn't need to be. Dark places that I have often tried to escape from. But nearly a month in and I am doing all right. We have some real work ahead of us - however I promise we will get through it together.


I have gotten back on track with my health and wellness. I did phases - 1. no more alcohol (again) 2. eat RIGHT (food is fuel) 3. Work OUT (beast mode)


More tea, more music, more rest, more peace! MORE SELF LOVE! (or at least TRY)

There was a point that the thought had crossed my mind that dabbling with the idea of dating would be FUN. What an absolute joke. I have heard the "I'm single, but really I am in a 3 year co habitation relationship" "I think I am going to try to make it work with my ex" "I love talking to you, am attracted BUT I am not feeling dating" "I am not interested in hooking up, I want to get to know you" - then never actually calls.

Is that real? Is that what I have to look forward to as a single, vibrant, challenging, ambitious female. WOAH. No thank you. I scaled back my efforts of "growing my social circle" Because apparently having coffee with someone is the equivalent of a marriage proposal.  All I am really looking for is some one I can sit across from and be enchanted by their journey. The good and the bad. Tell me.

So, even though my personal endevours(spelling) may be grim - my professional growth seems to be on the right track. My passion for the community and helping people has landed me a spot on the program team. The outreach efforts and proactive education of our consumer seems to be heading in the direction that we all wished it would. I have been able to set up some incredibly opportunities where my presentations will hopefully grow our communities bankable efforts.

and then the sleepy time tea kicks in - good night.
~day dreamer