Little House Big Memories

Hey guys - I hope this post finds you all well.

A few times a dream has recurred to me. It is often of my grandfathers house, the first time it was vacant and infested with rats - once I was the owner after he passed and this last one was it being bestowed upon me.

I dreamt of the perfect size of the fence in yard - the detached garage that I could park my truck in. The memories of crawling and climbing the tree in the back yard. Hosting holidays and get togethers in the finished restaurant style basement like the 20 years I had remember spending there.

There was a wall of mirrors in the living room and the kitchen dear god the design clock stopped at 1952. It was perfect.

My heart was broken when he didn't leave the house to me when he passed. He owned the house free and clear - I would have only had to pay the taxes lol. I guess that is selfish of me though. I am not really one for tradition but now as I am getting older and the world is showing me just how alone I really am my belief is that I am clinging to what ever memory I have.....Wishing that things were different or that my truth was altered.

The ramp that was installed for his wheel chair was still there - the wire umbrella he made for my grandmother who passed before him still stood strong in the yard. The exterior shutters have been painted a tacky pink color from the original black.

Christmas lights still draped along the roof line - judgement free. All and all the house looks like it is being maintained.......i hope there is as much laughter and love filling the walls as there was when it was a part of my family.

Rest in Peace,  you are sorely missed and loved forever.
~day dreamer

Then She Broke

Most of you have seen me taking on more and more. Filling my plate until it runneth over and not in a good way!

I found myself drowning in the work load that I kept piling on myself pushing through and through to the next level. next assignment, next meeting, project - goal. then:

FACE TO THE CEMENT.

My anxiety levels increased and my exhaustion increased. The patience and passion that used to pour from my skin and heart ran dry. I woke up with hives and the lack of desire to put in another day. I texted to prepare for my mental health day and I absolutely UNPLUGGED.

My heart was searching high and low for whatever was causing my soul to be in unrest. No matter what I couldnt find it. I thought that maybe i needed a drink - a change in scenery surrounding - art - smells anything that could provoke this moment of "EUREKA that's the problem!"

Nothing.

I could not reach the depths of what ever sent my world in a spin. Saturday came and I was moving furniture and working up a sweat trying to work through still what weighed me down. I stood in a room listening to music wanting only to let down my guard and drink. drink until i could see the darkness that was clouding my goals.

I wanted to dance and be reckless I wanted to fight the angels and submit to the devils delight.... I could see myself getting in trouble and causing trouble where ever my sparkle left its trail. Forcing myself to sit down and look again and what lies in front of me. Reevaluating my need to be set free and unrestricted. To let go of my standards and protections that I have in place. As my heart began to slow my body started to call for rest. Wandering into my bed I snuggled deep into the blankets and off to sleep my body drift.

The next day didn't offer much in peace............but here i go pushing on

~day dreamer

Dreamzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The last little while my dreams literally have been OUT OF CONTROL. Now we have to acknowledge that more evenings than not I take a sleep aide and sleepy time tea to unwind my body and I am sure that some of this subliminal post consciousness fantasy has a lot to do with it.

A few weeks ago I dreamt that I fought an elderly lady at my daughters school. In my defense she was being a bit disrespectful and probably holding my daughter against her will or as if I didn't have authority to pick her up or something ridiculous. Old lady or not - when it comes to my daughter YOU CAN GET SOME OF IT.

Then there was the recurring dream of the cities I love and the HOTELS I adore. Wild variations of these dreams go from the seductive spaces, exclusive reservations and last minute stays.

Some dreams unfortunately we do not have the luxury to take with us when we wake up. That is such a tease isn't it? the worst is too when you are in the middle of one and BOOM your up then you are determined to finish the dream and you never pick up where you left off. ever.

Then the dreams that you wake up HOT and BOTHERED thinking - " I could never" blushing - Knowing damn well if you had half the chance you would.

The subconscious is a dangerous place to visit. You can wake up mad, elated - embarrassed, thankful unsure or changed.