Pain

There is a new writing challenge I have decided to take on. Are you ready to come with me?

Lets talk about PAIN.

Memories quickly flood my brain from the first skinned knee to the first loss suffered by a fragile heart. Pain is an incredible phenomenon there are different thresholds that the body and mind can take.

My pain was a part of my identity for a very long time. It shaped how I viewed myself and the world around me. The mental strain of being a child of sexual trauma - dysfunctional family settings, broken relationships - abuse and chemical dependency was all a part of my "pain" one related to the other. I stopped being a prisoner of my pain and started the process of healing those old emotional wounds.

Only the people closest to me were able to sense the traces of the girl of the past. 

What was I holding on to for so long? The disappointment of not feeling ever "good enough" not reaching the potential of what others had set as expectations for myself? Not getting the gratification of being loved unconditionally and accepted for who I was in my "onliness" I am the only me. Not perfect, Just. Me.

When I learned to let go of that, I began to experience freedom. I was able to lift the pressure from my chest - the spinning in my head slowed. My heart was no longer heavy.

Its not a permanent fix, there will be additional bouts of pain - but the resilience of the human spirit comes from true work, processing and commitment to freedom.

In my adolescent years the idea of self mutilation was something that I played and experimented with over the years. I was in an abusive relationship and chemically dependent on many different substances. My high school boyfriend would fight - physically hurting each other and to cope with the emotional damage I would then cause myself wounds and watch the blood leak from my body.

Physical pain is easier to endure and process - it makes sense you can see it touch it feel it - cause and effect. Emotional damages are a bit harder to process because it causes you to think out of self - and logically about what is happening in the world around you. It took me so many years to be able to process healthy and constructive growth.

The greatest gift that I gave myself was the ability to not need to numb out - pain. To feel it, understand it - learn and grow from it.

Pain is just a reminder, that you are still alive.

~daydreamer

Accountability

Well, it seems my messages have caught the eyes of some new readers. Thank you for noticing me. The answers that you sought for understanding have been here all along.

I am calling this entry - accountability - and I am certain it is a four letter word to some. Lets breakdown what accountability or being accountable really means.

Definition of accountability
: the quality or state of being accountable
especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

Let me take a piece of humble pie. Let me show and display what it means to be accountable.

I am not perfect. I am at times ill tempered, short fused and demanding. I say things that hurt when my capacity to endure has been exceeded. I try to operate out of a place of love and often times it doesn't get read like that. I can get belligerent if I feel threatened.

But behaving inhumanely even if some one has crossed your lines does not make it okay. Trying to administer the same level of fire in a tempered moment of dissonance is damaging.  Allowing yourself to become irrational because of overwhelming emotions is not an excuse. Having any impairment does not make you exempt from responsibility.

I have hurt you. I held you to standards you were not ready to achieve - not by any true fault of your own. There are elements in your world that no one will ever be able to understand and the chemical changes in your brain may be irreparable. Mental health and addiction is disease. Not as popularly understood as cancer, polio, or missing limbs.

I was too close to see you as a human with impairment - I saw you instead as a threat to my well being, a danger to my heart. Unsafe. Monstrous. My fight or flight mentality went full blown, and I armored up and stepped into your battles. At first fighting for you and with you, then fighting for me and against you.

We could spend eternity pointing fingers - blaming each other. One more wrong than the other. One smarter than the other. One more flexible than the other. One more forgiving than the other. The ideas of cause and effect and operating from a reactionary space only did more damage to what we had promised to protect. Each other.

I should have never let my temper get in the way. I should have never spent my patience so rapidly. I should have never reacted to spin outs in the spiteful manners. I should have never said hateful things even if I was wounded. I should have never let dysfunction spoil my love.

Notice, I didn't say - I blame you, its your fault, its because you did this or that. You are not responsible for my reaction to difficult situations. I am. And I was wrong. It is never okay to treat anyone inhumanely. Regardless of circumstances.

This is my apology. As simple as that. I am sorry for my role in the destruction of us.

I needed to learn the hard way, I can not heal you. I can not change you. I can not under any circumstance sacrifice my well being, for yours. I am my own worst enemy when I take on the role of the fixer. I see only the mission to save a soul and nearly kill myself in the process.

We were human magnets.

You drawn to my spirit and my light
Me drawn to your need to be filled.

But what happens when you pour white paint into a can of black?

The white paint empties and the mess of black spills over the floors.

My capacity to self heal - is a painful process. But through it - my light and wings regenerate, and I set on my journey again.

~daydreamer

Pause

I know I can not possibly be the only one on the planet who feels like the pendulum of time seems to be swinging faster and faster. Realizing this has made it clear to me that I need to pause. I spent more time last year - writing and reading, doing things that fed my soul and healed my heart. Then responsibilities stacked up, challenges began to stack against me and tested my resolve - I equated this process as a test of how much I can actually endure.

I guess I am impressed? Honestly I am probably not actually impressed. I am dead tired. Like a fallen angel unsure if she can take flight again, my wings are tired and my heart is bruised - my pride wounded. What goes up must eventually come down right? In the same what falls down, MUST get back up. Telling myself I just need a little time, I am realizing that time - is slipping through my fingers and just need to get back up. A million failures will lead to a desired result - at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Prepare, friends - it is time for me to purge. The next several months will be a cleanse for me of sorts. Lots of content hopefully! RAW EXPRESSION. and some very intimate details to what has transpired over the last couple of years. Come with me.

I have pressed pause, but I am going to have to press play again. Sooner versus later.



~daydreamer

Distance

Give me space and time to heal
The pain is real,
let me lay this desire at the altar and prepare to walk away
In your path, your reach - I can not stay.
You had my heart, my mind - body and soul
Your kiss burned my lips like smoldering coal
Sealing the memory of love, of dreams - of hope.
Give me space and time to heal
The pain is real,
You started something you couldn't handle - now I need to cope.

WALKING

My loves, so much has changed. 6 months ago if you were to tell me that this is where my life would be I would have probably laughed.






I am a flawed child of God. I had lost my way more times than I head in the right direction. There was a messenger to awaken my soul and lead me back to faith. My soul and heart were tired and I knew that it was time for me to change my ways. So I submitted to faith. I let my need to control everything to fall to the side and I actively searched for deeper wisdom.


Everyday I thirsted for the word. My heart and spirit leaned deep into the word yearning for wisdom and discernment, healing and growth.


So here I am - knee deep in what is called a "Faith Walk" by some - "Walking with Christ" by others. Practicing Christianity by most.


What it really comes down to is just a realignment of my belief system, my moral and ethical structure. My defragmenting of trauma and hurt - the cessation of a victim mentality and the unveiling of the Queen I am fearfully, wonderfully made to be.


It has been a painstaking process that has brought me to my knees, sobbing and also caused me to clap and shout for praise in gratitude of this transformation of my spirit. I have been tasked with a period of wait. Preparation for the next level of my calling.


In this period of wait and season of development, I have been charged with walking not by sight but by faith. By remembering Gods promise despite how my current placement may look.


God wants to see me be obedient. Wants me to answer when he calls me to action, wants me to use my voice and my gifts to impact change.

Changed

There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -


She realized in this moment WHO she was


The water rushing around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering


No longer a victim
No longer a child


There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -


She realized in this moment WHO she was


The life rushing around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering


No longer an addict
No longer lost


There was a thunder in her walk now
a new found confidence -


She realized in this moment WHO she was


The Lord working around her - the sound deafening
yet empowering


No longer weak
No longer afraid

Little House Big Memories

Hey guys - I hope this post finds you all well.

A few times a dream has recurred to me. It is often of my grandfathers house, the first time it was vacant and infested with rats - once I was the owner after he passed and this last one was it being bestowed upon me.

I dreamt of the perfect size of the fence in yard - the detached garage that I could park my truck in. The memories of crawling and climbing the tree in the back yard. Hosting holidays and get togethers in the finished restaurant style basement like the 20 years I had remember spending there.

There was a wall of mirrors in the living room and the kitchen dear god the design clock stopped at 1952. It was perfect.

My heart was broken when he didn't leave the house to me when he passed. He owned the house free and clear - I would have only had to pay the taxes lol. I guess that is selfish of me though. I am not really one for tradition but now as I am getting older and the world is showing me just how alone I really am my belief is that I am clinging to what ever memory I have.....Wishing that things were different or that my truth was altered.

The ramp that was installed for his wheel chair was still there - the wire umbrella he made for my grandmother who passed before him still stood strong in the yard. The exterior shutters have been painted a tacky pink color from the original black.

Christmas lights still draped along the roof line - judgement free. All and all the house looks like it is being maintained.......i hope there is as much laughter and love filling the walls as there was when it was a part of my family.

Rest in Peace,  you are sorely missed and loved forever.
~day dreamer