Quit smoking, Quit drinking, Bought a home, Got sannnnngle, Raised Credit, Lost weight.
Not bad. It was and is a GOOOOOOD YEAR.
At 31 life has just begun for me. Every day comes with a new set of obstacles and accomplishments. This year my focus is debt reduction and continued weight loss. I have another I think 20 that I can either afford to lose or redefine!
I constructed a debt reduction plan for myself and as the first quarter nears a close I am going from approximately 11k to 7k in unsecured debt. That is a 36% reduction by my calculations I should be paid off by the close of 3rd quarter. WOOOP WOOOP!
My outlook on things continue to evolve and develop as new experiences enter my life.
The other day I had a conversation with a man we call Reverend - he called me out on my relationships and got me to thinking......
I have left every relationship that I have ever had. My big 4 long terms. I walked away. My first relationship he was 6 years older than me, I was way young but I was head over heals. He was kind and smart but we were opposite too opposite. I was a social butterfly and he a computer geek. (now making 6 figures with Xerox….whooops….)
When he was ready to get serious I ran.
My next relationship was toxic, we fell fast and hard – but I was a teenager on her own in a world she didn’t understand. I made lifestyle choices that stunted my self worth. We spent 5 years together his family hated me because I was Hispanic, we fought. Physically, I lost 2 jobs for showing up with busted lips and black eyes. When I turned 20 I left. I left the cheating, recreational activities and abuse.
A year and a half later I met Arias father, my father approved of him – we did what we thought we were supposed to do get serious and prepared to settle down. He was 7 years older than me and by 23 we were “ready” to start a family. He wanted me to be a stay at home mom – tend to the house and our baby. After about 8mos of that I realized I couldn’t do that. I was starved for adult conversation and my own life. As I experienced success and grew my career we began to grow apart. By Arias first birthday I moved into my own townhouse in the merchant’s area.
My ex fiancé and I had known each other for 15 years. We lost contact over the years and remet when a mutual friend was killed. We started spending time together and the more time we spent the more I grew to enjoy her existence. We moved in together way too soon as she had just left her previous long term relationship. ( I was the one who helped her get over her ex ) once I realized it wasn’t me that she loved but the thought of me – I began to pull back, against my better judgement I accepted the proposal (back then same sex marriage wasn’t legal) at our engagement party my cake topper broke twice. I took that as an omen. Then I lost my engagement ring.
I put all of myself into work and relied on my bottle of wine at night to soothe the displeasure of my life. I became someone I couldn’t love anymore and I was killing myself one day at a time. I began to look for apartments and started planning my life alone so that I could focus on myself and not have to carry the weight of making sure someone else was happy.
When I came home from the Caribbean I had everything lined up. I called off the engagement. I put the bottle down – I pushed my life into a 180. I hid my transition from the public eye and, strategically positioned it in a way where everyone would be intact at time of separation.
Over the past year I have defragmented pieces of myself that I had suppressed pretty much my entire life. I lost friends along the way. People didn’t understand my journey – but then again they never knew my challenges either.
I have struggled with acceptance my whole life, not really fitting in – being admittedly different. I am expressive and opinionated. I am stubborn. My sense of humor is offensive.
With my entire family either passed on or in another part of the country I have gotten used to being what I have always called an army of one. I wear a hard shell to protect myself from all of the madness of the world.
Its funny how life works. What happens when LIFE happens. Where has your paths taken you? How much has changed and or stayed the same?
I look forward to more changes and evolution. Understanding possibly how my mannerisms and upbringing may be negatively impacting my ability to have a "normal" relationship.
I guess we can agree that normal is boring, but one thing that I have noticed too is that I pick up bits and pieces of the personalities of the relationships passed. Some good traits and some not. Perhaps I can dig into that a bit more and get back to you........until next time
~daydreamer
